My Summary and Takeaways from 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson

In this video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson -- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.

Please subscribe and leave comments below!

Hi, everyone.  This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson --  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.

Right now, I'm a mental health therapist in training and I've been reading tons of books to help me support and understand my clients better.   Some of these books are really excellent and I thought I'd share a summary and my thoughts since it may help you if you are considering purchasing a book.   In addition, it helps me to better synthesize and understand the information if I share it with you before I share it with my clients.

The book I read this time was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.  So, I've read a bunch of books about having parents with all kinds of issues: Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, physical abuse, alcoholism, etc.  The thing that I like about this book is that it takes all of those different kinds of parents and boils the issue down into one big umbrella trait -- emotional immaturity. 

So, the thing is -- kids need things from their parents.  The obviously need food, water, shelter, and safety, but in addition, they need emotional connection.  People who had parents who were obviously neglectful or abusive probably realize that they have to work through some complex childhood trauma.  But for those who had all of their physical needs taken care of, it's hard to figure out why they may feel so emotionally lonely, angry, or distant from others.  They can also feel guilty for being unhappy, have a hard time trusting their instincts, and lack self-confidence.  I'm going to struggle to capture all of this in one video, but I'll do the best I can to give you the highlights. 

First of all, how can you tell if your parent was or is emotionally immature?   It's characterized primarily by having difficulties with the strong emotions of others.  Some people who are emotionally immature are perfectly fine expressing their own emotions -- even gleeful at times -- although others shut down their own emotions completely.  However, both of these types, when faced with a child's disappointment, sadness, or anger, really cannot handle it.  They can be so preoccupied with their own situation that they never even notice their child is out of sorts.  But when they are actively approached for emotional comfort, they pull away or might even get angry with the child for having these feelings.    These parents can be unpredictable -- wise at times and unreasonable at others.  They can lash out at any difference of opinion and can get defensive when challenged.  They don't have much self reflection and don't accept blame or offer apologies when it's clearly warranted.  Some will use their children as a confident, but they will not provide that support back to their child.  Does any of this sound familiar?   This books give 2 assessment tests that will help you determine your parent's level of emotional maturity and determine the difficulties you may have had as a child with that parent.  I think the scoring is a total cop-out -- she basically just says if any of these are true, they are a sign of emotional immaturity.  But as a parent myself, it is literally impossible to never do any of these things unless you have the inner peace of the Dalai Lama.  I am sometimes insensitive, self-absorbed, and a killjoy, but you are looking for a regular pattern of these behaviors -- and the more behaviors exhibited, the higher the level of emotional immaturity.

I will say that some people have a really hard time labeling their parents as emotionally immature.  Particularly if you know your parent had a  rough childhood or you watched them struggle and sacrifice to give you what you needed physically.  Dr. Gibson points out that it's not an act of betrayal to acknowledge this about your parent.  In fact, it may help you to better understand their issues and may result in more compassion towards them.  But the most IMPORTANT thing is that having a level of awareness and acceptance of these issues may help you to do something about it for yourself, so you don't continue to perpetuate these unhealthy patterns. . .

[snarkasmgrant]

"Some will use their child as a confidant, but not offer that support in return" . Exactly my experience. Gutted.

[Plumduff]

This was brilliant. I've been alone my whole life. My parents were narcissists and my sister too. When my dad died I felt nothing. I just remember the cruel comments and insults being left alone for hours as a young kid sleeping under trees and being thumped for no reason. As an middle aged man I have always told my kids I love them and laugh and joke ..but I can't feel love it's like an alien concept instead there is just a hole.

[ChristineAngelfa]

My therapist recommended this book. My mom is emotionally immature. She also burned my feet as a child, tried to get me to drink gasoline, let my pets die, emotionally abusive, and she said this was all because she didn't know any better and due to her anxiety.

[spigney]

My dad and i were close when i was little. He played trains with me and read me books at night. But then he became withdrawn and never came back. He was depressed, anxious, and traveled a lot for work. He lived in our house, but he was essentially a ghost. We could see him but he couldn't see us.

[enidasheme]

We can't neglect the fact that few generations ago, the motivation and challenge for most families was food and shelter, physical needs. Only a small percentage could have access to education, and invest to develop their brain. To my perception, we as humans, have physical, spiritual, intelectual and emotional needs. The first two were prominent till 1800-1900. Then it came industry, schools, and nowadays most of the people have access to education, more than ever before. So, we've come finally to understand and develop this fourth need, emotional. How important it is, and how we can repair damages on this area. It's a matter of which level of needs are you trying to meet.

[rayanalzaabi]

The Arab world if filled with emotional immature parent. the struggle is real between empathy and detachment, and in many cases you don't even have your personal space to digest or process or even observe. too many traditions to follow that creates a huge mental illness, where mental health is not even considered. all I can do is to wish everyone in the Arab world and in the whole world to find peace and love. Thank you !

[MrbadatHALOslayer]

One of my parents was passive and the other was rejecting.

[starfeel]

I always knew my mother fits that description because if I even mention that past abuse she starts crying and gets mad at me for mentioning it as if it's my fault. I stopped brining it up of course but it also made me lose respect for her as a parent even though I gave her some slack for going through tough times back then.

[wanderlust]

I'm definitely an avoidant internalizer with my mom. With friends and a partner, I'm far more emotionally open and vulnerable (though I'm far from perfect here), but with my mom, it's SO difficult to communicate with her that I just try to keep things surface level to avoid conflict. I'm often very short with her, and get irritated extremely easily with a lot of the things she says (someone else could say the same thing but it wouldn't bother me). I always feel guilty for getting angry and yelling at her. I definitely could've been better with communicating my anger and frustration. But I don't know how. For a very long time I didn't even know why I was so resentful of her. I didn't even know that I had issues communicating.

Her and my dad didn't teach me how to communicate honestly and openly. My other family members are terrible communicators too. Everyone was always blaming without taking responsibility for their part in the issue, finger pointing, and weeks or even years of silent treatment until they decide they want to talk again. Either that, or totally avoidant and passive.

When I try to have a normal conversation with her, she either criticizes me, lectures me or completely takes the things I say the wrong way. I feel like talking to her is always a losing battle. So I just find it easier to keep emotional distance.

At the core of it all, the reason why I can't connect with her, and why I get really irritated by her, it all boils down to the fact that I feel like she doesn't put the effort in to get to know or understand me as a human being–not just a daughter that needs to be given food, water, shelter, safety–but as a person with interests and fears and hopes and dreams.

She doesn't listen to me–it's over seemingly small stuff like, me telling her I don't need her to buy me all these useless things, but she gives them to me anyway because that's her way of showing love and trying to connect. But this only irritates me because that's an "easy" way out–to throw money and stuff at someone you care about, while it is very generous and I'm forever grateful and appreciative, it cannot nor will it ever replace real emotional connection. That takes time, effort, and vulnerability.

She often trivializes what I'm interested in or what I do. She doesn't care sometimes about my feelings and wants and forces what she wants on me.

Because of all of this, I found that our relationship improved when I moved away. I'm not sure if it actually improved, but at least there was more peace because of the distance. Far less arguing, disagreements, and stress. At least for me, I felt less stress but sometimes it felt like she was unphased by my anger in situations where she was forcing something on me that I didn't want. Which showed me that she knew I didn't want that thing, but she wanted it for her own selfish reasons, so she didn't care how I felt and kept pushing it on me.

Knowing how she grew up and how her parents were, I can see why she is the way she is. So as I grow older and more emotionally mature, I developed more compassion and understanding for her, so I'm able to let some things slide now and just accept that's how she is. But it doesn't mean that the way she treats me sometimes is OK. She is a grown woman and at some point, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

I yearn for my mom's approval and acceptance, and a healthy relationship with her where can actually TALK to each other without arguments. Where we can get deeper and not just surface level BS. I know it's up to me to start that conversation because there's no way she is doing that. There's a lot inside my head that she might be surprised to hear, like how I care about her approval and want to be closer to her. But it's scary to be that vulnerable. I don't know if I'm ready honestly.

And I don't know how she would take it. She often plays the victim and is hyper sensitive (due to her own trauma). I know how I would say the things on my heart and mind, but I'm not sure if she would take it as I intend.

I think in her whole life, she's never had a mature conversation with someone who she hurt or who hurt her to resolve the conflict. I don't know how to approach it in a way that she would be receptive to it.

[citlallicontreras]

My mother always acts like her kids would be her savoirs and now that we have left to pursue our own goals we are the abandoners. She guilt trips us a lot and even when i tell her how happy and how many things I'm achieving she will get upset and just say how sad and lonely she feels bc we left her.

[anitabog]

Really identified with the avoidant internalizer term

[SavageThrifter]

My parents are emotionally immature and so am I. But I try super super hard to understand my kids. But it's like they are speaking another language to me and I don't know how to help them. I am very quick to accept blame though which is the opposite of my mom, who hasn't grown much emotionally

[elizabethdarley]

Hi, thanks for this. I bought that book around 5 years ago and it is very helpful.
My parents are angry and controlling but sometimes happy and positive. They have never got to know me and have no knowledge of who I am. They cut me out of all contact in my entire family for 8 years-then they blamed me. They obviously talk about me to the rest of the family and those people believe what my parents say about me. I am trying to reach out to aunts, uncles, cousins etc after not knowing who or where they are. Some are friendly to me and some are not so friendly. The ones who my parents spend Christmas with are the ones who are not so friendly towards me!

[rema]

My mother was the breadwinner and a workaholic. I don't blame her. She needed to work so she could provide us with our basic needs. In the 80's, shared parenting was not known yet. As the eldest among the three, I was left to stand on my own even when I was very young. I did not share what had been happening in school and my life because I did not want to bother them or add stress to my parents. It is what it is but I am happy that there is a book that I relate to.

[JenniferSinclair-om]

This was awesome AND I am glad you brought up that one area that you felt was missed - my mother is a nonreflective person who stuffs all her feelings inside, so I totally got that. I will be buying this book.

[p.shahnazhanum]

Imagine having a parent or sibling who can swing across the 4 types depending on what serves their needs best. This must be full blow Narcissism no other explanation

[haileys]

My parents had their first child at 17, and dealt with addiction issues off and since their early life. I can really empathize with why they were the way the were. I do still feel uncomfortable around my father. Even though he’s my only parent now, and has gotten more mature. I always feel a deep sense of pressure when we interact to this day. It’s really complicated. I can see that I’m an avoidant internalizer, although there was been times I have externalized my issue, and times when I was heavily focused on people pleasing, and trying to prove my worth to those in my life. I agree that most people are going to be more complicated that the simple external, internal dichotomy. My parents where definitely fluid in their emotionality. I think I remember them being external more, but that’s obviously going to be what stood out to me, because as a kid seeing the internalizing behavior wouldn’t be very apparent.

[zariaat]

Great video! I loved the book and started the last three steps in healing. While reading this book and others like it, I tend to feel like I’m stuck as a victim. Only knowing what happened to me, with little hope. Fortunately after reading this I really felt I could take back my life.

[Wquazzy]

Thank you for this video, I was brought to tears it was almost as if you were talking directly to me. I often times find myself lying about my relationship with my mom to my friends and colleagues, in a way creating a fictional reality where she is good to me. Since she is a very abused and neglected person, I always felt bad for seeing her in a bad light. I am pretty young, soon 19 years of age, and I wonder if you have any book recommendation for how I can live with her. She is emotional and rejecting. I think there has been times where she sees how she can be in the wrong, but backtracks and becomes defensive. Maybe it’s my hopeless delusions that she could one day see me, but still I don’t want to loose hope on her. Thank you again for this video.

[insignia]

thanks for the video your work is bringing me clarity from my abuse and neglect.