Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 8/11 - Abuse

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Understanding abuse and why we can become so used to it.

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DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.

[oilselevated]

When his cancer spread, my husband of 33 years decided it was a good time to “come clean”. He told our family that he’s been in a transactionship with side trash in another city. I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I say may she get what she deserves. I took care of him during what turned out to be his last four months, and it was the most painful experience in my life because I hated him at that point. Betrayed by the person I trusted the most for my entire adult life. I had to mourn the marriage, mourn the death. It’s amazing to be able to look back and only now see all the abuses. Insults disguised as jokes. Lies, deceptions, public humiliation. Decades. It’s coming up on 2 years and I’m finally doing better. I’ve worked really hard, found a great therapist and feel in control of my life now, minus all the chaos. I’m grateful every day that I made it out of the psychological prison and I’m totally at peace now. Your lectures are wonderful, thank you

[Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

This gives me a new meaning to my marriage-I’ve been “sleeping with the enemy.”
He never wanted me well or loved me. He only wanted to have the benefits of my service and someone to rage his bad childhood on.

[marthawhite]

Abusive jobs, very similar dynamics because we have to work to survive. Thank you for these wonderful videos, your truth is very healing.

[Ruby-wise]

You’re vocalizing my life story. The first person to perfectly ..express what I’ve never been able to. Thank you, Tim.

[leeboriack]

The worst abuse is when the victim is too embarrassed or ashamed to speak of it for fear people won’t believe you and think you’re lying or you are a fool for not simply leaving.

[Curiamacabre]

Has this man been watching me my whole life?? Is he un my brain?? Amazing how accurate this all is

[makaylahollywood]

I have had trouble showing or expressing anger. I grew up with so much of this; lots of good mixed in with "not healthy, abusive experiences". I love my parents, but sad for what i didn't know, endured. I pray and work on myself- reparenting the little self. Thank you.

[RenLC]

We become prisoners of ourselves. Very haunting but so accurate

[sammyspaniel]

Not only is the information life changing but delivery makes it very graspable.

[dnk]

Wow, I could cry. I have been working through so much of this in therapy but to hear a Christian pastor describe almost identical experiences with my family. (Made the highest score at drill team tryouts, my Dad knew it was my dream to be a dance instructor, he made me quit when I told him about my high score) Siblings denied the abuse of my father and my ex-husband, blaming me for their behavior and/or suggesting I was negative and making things up. I’m finally facing in my fifties how painful the family scapegoating has been. I do believe I will be dancing in heaven for eternity and my current husband and I dance salsa, west coast swing and two step. God has made a way out of the family system and I am so very grateful!

[CommDao]

Being angry at God is something I wish more Christians could discuss with this kind of grace and tact.

[IrinaTrustsGod]

Thank you Tim for being a voice for those who cannot speak.

[mistyhouse]

I was always told "Who do you think you are?" "You ain't nobody." And I've felt that way my whole life so I've had the hardest time finding me.

[TimothyArcher]

I call it the Shame, Blame & Defame Game, aka the Reduction Machine. Nearly 60 years as the family black sheep & scapegoat. I know it well.

[Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

The thing about being coercive controlled that it takes away your autonomy!! A mindblower!!! I have beaten myself up for not functioning on my own.
I have now found grace for myself because I know now that I wasn't allowed to have autonomy in any of my relationships or childhood so no wonder it is hard to learn to function on my own.

I didn't know what coercive control was but now I do!! I am reclaiming my power back!!❤💪

[winnifredcox]

I am so happy i found you.
Now i finally know what is wrong with me.
I am 56 now...i wish i knew all this when i was younger. I watched all your episodes so far and I will continue to do so...
So grateful...Thank you so much!
There is still hope for me...i know now!🙏

[sarahalderman]

Wow. Speaking about sexual and physical abuse here was literally describing my entire life. So many feelings, so many things that I could not understand. I am finding that I almost intuitively understood this but could not rationalize it due to loyalty to my family. Two things can be true at once. Most importantly I am finding that I can not dwell on the abuse, the lack of control. I must fight the victim mentality. Focus on what I can control, my own actions, my own thoughts.

[kathpercy]

Your description is vocalising my 30 year abusive marriage and my horrendous childhood trauma
I didn’t know what this all was and how I was so small and insignificant in this world to just try to survive
this needs to be in the educational system to teach children what is unacceptable and support to help them through this
it needs to end
😢😢😢

[monicapandomealla]

So far, the hardest video to watch, but the most important to understand and process

[EarInn]

Just being told that these things are abuse is itself a great relief. When you were growing up in it, the fact that there was anything wrong with how you were treated was not acknowledged in any way. Often you heard contradictory lies instead--that you should be grateful, that you were the problem.