Why You Are Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People - Complex Trauma Prisons

Tim explores why people with Complex Trauma might end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable people.

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Why do many people with Complex Trauma repeatedly end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable people? Why do people choose someone who is emotionally unavailable without realizing it, and after having been wounded by it in childhood? How does one break out of this prison? Tim answers all of these questions in this talk.

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Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People
10:00 10-Question Quiz
12:00 3 Kinds of Emotional Deprivation
15:34 Causes of Emotional Deprivation
21:36 Key issue
23:15 Characteristics
30:15 Dangers in Recovery / Warning Signs
36:20 Healing

[TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[Candlewick]

"Emotional intensity feels like connection" thats so true

[moonlightgiftshoppe]

The "if I can get you to love me, I am lovable."

[dmoon]

Wow....this video made me realize how emotionally unavailable I am and it's not the other person's fault. I'm feeling pretty sad as I always thought I was the healthy one but I've pushed people away who truly loved me and chased people who don't care a thing about me. I'm also the parent to two adult sons and I realize I'm not always present for them either and it hurts to admit that. I'm currently with a genuinely good man but I think I'm self sabotaging things with him because it feels so different. I am so broken and have no family and maybe 1 friend in my life. I have been so lonely and don't really know where to turn. Thank you for this episode. I wish I knew where to find someone like you because I definitely need some work.

[Menella-xffg]

Please forgive the people who were not there for you, so you can heal, most of them passed down what was passed down to them. Heal and break the pattern.
With GOD all things are possible

[katiehelou]

I was in high school when my grandmother died and it absolutely devastated me. I now understand that it's because she was the only person who ever made me feel loved and enjoyed. I've never felt that since.

[RH-ulbc]

Wow. 8 minutes in. This guy gets it. Years of trying to heal and i am still unsure what an emotionally available relationship looks like.

[SummerJ]

Guys, if you manage to do this inner work. Please be prepared for a loss of friends, I realised that this was my friendship dynamics too.😩

[patormsby]

Oh, that was so me! And I knew it, and I hated myself for hurting every nice boy that came my way. I did eventually learn to love appropriately and at 35 finally married an honorable, loving man. I remain happily married at 66.
I am enjoying your series. Very helpful. I swear I felt like I was uniquely awful.

[carlaplotner]

I had a connection with my grandmother; she died when I was 5. I remember the deep loss and have been seeking that feeling my whole life. I still mourn her hugs and acceptance. She was the only person who truly showed me love and affection.

[motheryuba]

This is really heavy to listen to. I relate totally. I had a very traumatized/abused father who turned to alcohol to numb his pain and a mother who was the classic cold, distant, emotionally unavailable, checked-out co-dependent. My mother suffered from an extremely emotionally deprived childhood on top of dire poverty. I had to suppress my need for parenting, especially the mothering part. I realise how much I put a big smile on my face and try to fake it. I definitely have a pattern of falling for people who are emotionally unavailable. I fit all the characteristics described. I have felt an emptiness and loneliness all my life no matter who I am with. I feel less lonely being alone but I know I'm missing out on the essential human experience of genuine, reciprocated love and friendship. It is difficult to open up because I am afraid I will turn people off with how my emotional self is so young and undeveloped and I fear opening up and then being rejected.

[tearthangel]

Groomed to be a people pleaser and clown in a large family due to the tensions in the home

[dr.florence]

I understand the premise but there is a flaw: if 75% of men are avoidantly attached for example, then it's a numbers game to a large degree. I have been doing therapy and tons of healing for many years and have become much more secure and available. I now experience "situationships" of a few months down to 7 weeks at this point, because when I notice unavailability and an unwillingness/insurmountable fear to address it, I leave. That's not because I am attracted to this anymore - in fact quite the opposite, I find it offputting - but it is because it is nearly impossible to randomly find the one healthy apple among a huge basket of broken ones.

[mininggoldmeister]

Growing up in a dysfunctional home where both parents couldn't meet their own needs, let alone the needs of their children gives children a skewed view on what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. What we perceive to be love is actually a trauma based feeling - we don't know any better because healthy love was never modeled for us. Attraction to emotionally distant people, rageful people, addicts, unstable and wounded people is based on what we witnessed as a "lovi ng" relationship. That was all we knew, all we ever saw.

[michaeldonnawilliams]

Took me till I was 62 and Tim Fletcher to realize this stuff. Oh, trust me, I knew ALL about most of my Complex Trauma, I just didn't know about the prisons I'm in. Father GOD bless you Sir.

[adiroots]

Thank you. This feels like you're narrating my life and relationships. I've realized for some time now that the people I choose make me feel the abandonment I feel from my parents. I have chosen so many emotionally unavailable relationships including friendships. I overdo, overcompensate, I listen, I try to be there for others but find no matter what, I feel invisible, deeply lonely and disconnected. I am grateful I was finally able to recognize my patterns, but it is so hard to change. I feel I have become resigned and feel I will not find healthy love, be truly understood, heard or seen.

[Miracle-Needed]

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and res

[QCDoggies]

I've never heard such an accurate description of myself. It's depressing. This video uncovered more than several years of therapy. Thank you for what you're doing for those of us in this situation! It does give me hope, knowledge is power.

[karen-ifzq]

Our parents never cared about our emotions. They were concerned about themselves.

[honestandfair]

I give myself the love I need now. You’re a gift. Thank you ❤