Stop Fighting with Immature People

Let's stop fighting with immature people. Let's stop trying to convince people that we deserve basic levels of decency and kindness when it comes to valuing our perspective. Let's stop arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding us. Let's stop fighting with people who need to be right at the cost of our relationship.

How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #conflictresolution

[emberphoenix]

I call this The Communication Trap. You keep thinking that if you just find the right words in the right order, then they'll suddenly realize how there hurting you, and stop. I always explain it by saying, "If someone does not want to hear you, there is nothing you can do that will make them listen."

[heidichandler]

Took me so long to realize the understanding I needed was literally not something they were capable of. Finally left and am working to build my self esteem up again and never settle again for someone who really isn’t interested or capable of loving me how I deserve it.

[heidiwendt]

This is the NUMBER ONE lesson my brain is now recognizing and needs to learn.
I have wasted countless hours (and years) working on ‘saying it differently, more gently, more carefully’…. only to be met with more opposition and defensiveness.
As Jimmy said in this short but spot-on message “…they are not interested”.

[janlange]

My husband did go to a counselor with me. 3 different counselors, over many months that went into years. As soon as he started hearing things he didn't want to hear -- things that were directed *not* at me changing in the ways he wanted me to change but in getting *him* to think and behave in healthier ways -- rage. At the counselor. At me. Frightening things. Even professionals can't work magic on that type of person.

[rhythms]

I’ve learned to walk away and leave them alone to live with their own opinions. Sometimes I told them, sometimes I don’t and just walk away.

[amyswalwell]

I've come to learn that if someone won't heal from childhood trauma, there is no way to argue without feeling guilty.

[martinaniesen]

I wouldn't say they aren't interested in empathy, they are simply not capable to be empathetic when stressed because of their overflowing emotions, their self defence and their low self esteem.

You are absolutely right saying that going on with such a discussion is useless and damaging. And I discovered two things in my process of maturing: it can nevertheless become an experience of inner power to stand up and speak out your truth, that stands on firmness and doesn't need approval. And second, even when everything had been rejected in a discussion, the next day things said sometimes seeped through.

[tymwillpass]

I feel like this one is really important if the person hurting really wants to change themselves and have peace. 👍🏼

[adhdcartoon]

Each time you forget this lesson, you're in trouble.

[mudbuds]

Ugh. This makes me exhausted. There is no hope for me.

[karlaarnold]

Your videos give the tools people need to do this. A professional the ones I have been too sucked. Hence coming here to learn. But you are correct if they don’t look for tools to help themselves then that is your answer.

[apalmiracn]

❤ I celebrate the work you do in helping people. Thank you for this video.

[ellebelle]

This was so good. They either won’t or can’t hear you. So simple yet so true.

I need to stop talking to someone who is literally not listening. You just perfectly described the last 15yrs of my life. I wish I’d seen this a long time ago.

[naomifunk]

So true. I just realized this through personal experience. It's a terrible thing to have dawn on you. But this will always be their modus operandi and nothing you can do or say will change it.

[LadyElina]

My therapist doesn’t actually teach me how to do this. How to be an empathetic listener. And I am trying VERY hard to figure it out! Our marriage counselor gave us a sheet and I use that but it’s HARD. It’s hard to listen to him talk about his feelings about wanting to do all these things that take him away from me be it hobbies or friends. It’s hard to be empathetic to HIS feelings when I feel so empty and neglected.
But I am TRYING very hard to learn it. To give him that safe space.
But every time I listen I can’t help but just feel like we’re maybe just not compatible any more (24years together)
I’ll keep trying to listen to his feelings. But it’s just super painful.
ESPECIALLY now that he has another woman he wants to spend time with and wants me to empathize with him and how he can’t be with her and it just hurts.
But honestly, before it was her it was work, or his hobbies.
My empathizing tends to just feel like I’m DEALING with rather than having empathy for him. I just can’t get my hurt feelings out of the way to empathize and listen to him the way he needs me to and I think he feels a wedge between us because of my failing in this.

I don’t know what to do but keep trying to “sooth myself” (that’s what the therapist and the document say I need to do) so I can listen fully.

much harder than it sounds like. I have enormous empathy for people trying to learn this. It just simply was not modeled for me ever. Not anywhere in my life except my therapist does it.

I wish I could get around more people who know how.

Oh one last thought! WHEN I do it correctly, he goes into a deep depression that can last for days. It’s like he begins to wallow in misery. That’s a HUGE put off to wanting to do it again also!
It’s like it gets him WAY focused on himself and how pitiful he is and then that’s all he can think about. 🤷‍♀️

[confusedwhynot]

I gave up trying to be with my spouse because he constantly invalidated my feelings and opinions. I have tried to resolve our differences. I have been to counseling, but he refuses to go. He doesn't see his behavior as a problem because he blames everyone else for his actions.

[brightpage]

Incapable or uninterested in resolution.

Unaware that blame is not a solution.

Change.
Change offers solutions.

Stop trying the same thing again and again expecting different results.

Stop asking who's to blame and start looking at how I can change. Start examining the forms my responsibility for this relationship role takes.

In the biz world, consultants would come to advise repositioning or restaffing. Try training programs. That sort of thing. See of those get you closer to the goal of peace or whatever.

[Julie-gdsy]

In some cases people are not interested. But most cases people are just incapable. Emotional intelligence is like eyesight. Either they can see it or they just can't.

[sallybankson]

Agreed, with the above post...
i am seeing that this isnt something my husand of 44 years is capable of. But, as a Christian, divorce isnt an option.

I am working hard at giving and recieving appropriate love with my family and friends, and avoiding time with men, alone, as i know I am vurnerable.

How else can I handle the sting of his disreguard, the hurt of his neglect, and the strong sense of abandonment?

Your posts clearly articulate what I, and many others are feeling, but we need tools to cope.

I would love to see a post about this aspect.

[MensGroup]

This was SO helpful. Thank you SO MUCH!