Avoidant Behavior After Narcissistic Abuse

Everyone reacts differently to trauma and avoidancy is very common. A form of isolation, avoidancy is a normal reaction after traumatic relationships. This video offers an epxlnantion to this behavior.

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[alijohnson]

I always go back to isolation from everyone when I don't feel safe . It now only last for a day or so it used to be week's.

[charliedallachie]

This is normal, I suffered this. It’s easy to feel hopeless, the person you loved stabbed you in the back and abused you just like that. It’s part of the healing. Isolation in general. At first it’s ok but after a few weeks don’t isolate too much it causes depression. Healing takes time.

[robertgrant]

Great video as always . I have been isolated for 2 years. I had so much to go through. I had a major stroke which left me bedridden and my wife of 10 years walked out on me Valentine's Day of 2018. She never hoovered me or called just to see if I was still alive. To make matters worse, I buried my mother exactly a year to the day that she walked out on me, Valentine's Day 2019. It has been very hard and I could not help thinking the world was against me. I am still in recovery, getting a little bit better as each day passes, but I still have a ways to go. I know there will come a day when I will get that phone call or that knock at the door, it's just a matter of time, that's how it is with a narcissist. I loved this woman with all of my heart, but now I never want to see or talk to her ever again. I could have never treated her the way she did me, I guess that makes me an empath. I am enjoying my freedom and alone time, but it gets very hard sometimes. Just trying to do simple chores in the house is very strenuous because I cannot be on my feet too long before I have to sit or lie down because my stroke left me with some nerve damage. I also have three and large dogs I have to take care of, but they are like my children and I don't think I could have made it through everything without them being by my side. I've learned to not take one day for granted, be careful who and what you share it with because you will never get that day back. And also the heavenly father does not make mistakes, everything happens for a reason. Sorry for the small novel LOL. Everyone stay safe and we will make it through this also. God bless!

[isthisnamegoodenoughokthen]

I tried dating 1 yr after . boy was I not ready lol
But its now been close to 6yrs, i find myself not able to connect with anyone.
The 2guys I dated in this time frame, I was very detached and avoidant with. Both break up felt like relief. I'm very lonely and would love nothing more than to find my best friend. I just can't do it. No one is Good enough. The rare ones that are, i feel they are too good for me. I keep hearing this insults my narc ex throws at me in the back of my head. I can't shake it. just can't connect with ppl anymore . I'm screwed up big time.
How long does this PTSD last damnit. I used to be a social butterfly. Now im a hermit

[elanakriek]

Thank you very much. I am so hard on myself because I really want to be alone and isolated.

[LesleySASMR]

I wish I found this video sooner. Three years ago, I left the one who advised me. And it was just as you described. I felt amazing building a relationship with myself. Then other people started to try and date me and I became crazy Avoidant, super anxious, didn’t know what I wanted but still wanting closeness of another human being. It’s still going on and it’s a daily back and forth. I’ve spent so much money on therapy and medications. I guess I just shouldn’t date? 🤷‍♀️

[paulasullivan]

I'm just watching you for the first time. My cousin turned me on to you. You have a great vibe, and I look forward to learning more from you. Thank you for your work.

[yeswing]

I wish I would have stayed alone after the 30 year marriage to a Narcissist. The Divorce class said stay alone 1 year for every 5 years of marriage. But being married to a Narc....you need to get over the Divorce plus CPTSD and everything else they did to you! In my case, I shouldn't have dated. I didn't even know who I was. Alone is good! I love it. Love your Channe, David, l and the faces you make.

[maedrosbott]

"Avoidant Behavior" very interesting. I think I'm very avoidant and I always thought its because I'm introverted and possibly an empath but the truth is I feel ashamed, unworthy and a charlatan. When I socialize I get very positive responses because I communicate very well (from a skill-to-do-so point of view); however, I feel like a charlatan because the person I project is not who I feel I am inside or when I'm alone or at home so being out there, attending events, or even communicating through channels like whatsapp just cause me to have anxiety and irritability; socializing drains me. Another aspect is the fear of who knows what about me; the narc did great damage with the smear campaign and the revealing of my most intimate secrets and shortcomings; so I just want to curl up in a ball and avoid the world out there because its like they know and they are judging me (its been 4 years since the discard). When I think about that part: 'the betrayal', it just brings up anger and hate; but I can't hate and be angry and win or overcome, one has to let go and forgive to be happy right? Well, that just causes shame because I can't help but ruminate which causes anger and guilt and hate then I start having visions of revenge but then realize that I must "hoo-sah" and "stay in the now" which then causes even more shame and fuels avoidance. Its like I've been moon-walking on this same cycle for the past 4 years, its exhausting!

[tracey-white]

It feels like the fact that I can’t enjoy anyone’s company or even solo activities I used to, is letting the abusive narc win. He’s had 3 years of my life... what’s worse than that? 3 years and one day more. 😢

[moonlightstargem]

I’m so grateful you are talking about this as it’s real and human life. This is actually serious!! I know i don’t need to be dating…at all. Anytime i date again i take a risk on my life. I’ve almost lost my life to abusive partners. I’m so grateful i’m alive. This sh*t is not funny and it is super scary. I’m so grateful you are confident & sane enough to tell the people the truth & help people!! THANK I am subscribed. This describes me perfectly. I don’t want to date because i keep ending up with horrible people & the same patterns that mess me up further. It’s a little lonely alone but i’ve practically been in solitude my whole life and the only time i was receiving company was when i was with abusive partners & narcissists who verbally scream at me, take my cash i use to survive & sexually abuse me like a lot of mean mean cruel inhumane shit they used to do to me. Feed me drugs, rape me, i was also physically assualted & almost kidnapped. These are dangerous people who got their own issues they need to fix before they can be with a person who already started out ready for a relationship. Dude this ish messed me up all the way. I can’t commit for anything. I see the way my father tortured my mother & they are stuck together in marriage. I vowed to myself i’m not ever getting a partner in this life. Once u go through the whole twin flame scam and u figure it out & feel all that hyper psychic ish u wake up when it fades & ur safe again. God wants us to be healed and survive but all of us need to heal internally before anything can get any better for anyone at all!! So much work to do.

[MartinHindenes]

I'm a secure attachment style from childhood but after enduring several years of narcissistic abuse I've started to act in an avoidant way (in many contexts) as a coping mechanism. They've tried to gaslight me into believing I'm an avoidant personality style and always have been, but I know it's conditional like you explain in this video.

Thank you for validating how I feel. Now I need time to heal.

[geoffdundee]

i was alone almost 10 years avoiding relationships but i had 1 or 2 close (non sexual) friends who i seen during that time if i needed company

[marktansell]

Thankyou David for answering my question today it's been very helpful ....its given me a lot to think about especially the part about attachment styles as I practically brought myself up having an alcholic father and uncaring mother . Thanks again

[Julianna]

I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship with a narcissist for 5 years, i made mistakes in the relationship aswell but i never heard the end of it, screamed at every day. I was totally trauma bonded to this person. Now its over i find myself so shattered and so insecure that when im having conversations with people i always feel the need to over explain/defend myself and decisions i make, i often respond to someones conversations by how that topic relates to me "like a me too type response" it seems im finding validation in unhealthy ways i never did before and im trying to prove myself or something but im just coming off as super selfish, im not liking how im behaving, any advise? Thankyou

[Wisdomseeker]

Well David. Actually I was diagnosed Avoidant personality desorder and ptsd complex. (Both) This why it's confused. I was working at school the last 5 years. I had a good time with kids, but I have trust issues with co-workers. When my new boss knew about my "mental health challenge", decided That I couldn't work any more. Just before the new boss took over I was bullyng at work, and I was getting sicker and sicker and I got blame for my reactions at work (anxiety) and by people around me. I have been working with people since I remember. I know for fact that I avoid to meet people in this small place, because the situation at work. I'm married and Codependet, and I talk about feelings all the time! BUT I never got love from Anybody at home (my mother and father are narcissistics). 🤔10 years with differents therapist, still Not good enough in Norway. Really I going to get a new opinion. Interesting topic! - Thank you David, you make a point. Hugs from Norway ❤❤❤ 🙏🙏🙏 you are amazing!

[anovosedlik]

I thought I had avoidant personality disorder but my therapist said that I was just trying to protect myself cuz my partner of 7 years beat me CONSTANTLY, degraded me, shamed me, and emotionally took advantage of me. She said he was a virus and I'm just trying to remain immune.

[pearli]

Being raised by Narcissists or being in relationships with them creates a very weird dynamic. On the one hand, they want you to appear and seem dependent on them because they want to seem superior and keep control. On the other, they depend on you for EVERYTHING! All their wants, needs, desires, expectations, etc., were expected to be met by you. Including mind reading and anticipating their every want and need. It's crazy making! How does one identify themselves after all this? Codependent, dependent, avoidant (sometimes you had to play the role of someone from their past), dismissive, Narcissist ( they'll accuse you of being selfish), learned helplessness? They just want a puppet on a string. Finding one's true identity after this is DIFFICULT, especially in the context of other relationships.

[gradyolson]

Could the problem being mis-diagnosed simply be the narc victim just being an introverted person? I know narcs love to victimize empaths, but introverts are tasty to them as

[drlarrymitchell]

The toughest thing I've learned in all of this, after a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships- I don't like women. I only like their bodies.