Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]

Have you ever dated someone who seemed like they were interested, but for some reason, you are left with a nagging doubt about just how much they really dig you?

They initiate enough contact to be polite and sustain the connection, but not enough to trust the butterflies in your stomach.

Maybe they don’t respond right away to your text messages, but they do eventually respond, and with a perfectly reasonable reply.

Maybe they show some physical affection, but appear shy of going all the way...Or maybe you’ve gone all the way, but nothing else in the relationship seems to have changed or deepened, as a result of it.

They make time for you once or twice a week, but you can’t tell if its because they are excited to see you, or they just don’t have anything else going on, and they find you companionable enough.

If you are an open heart, especially, you are likely to be confused by behavior like this. Probably, you are used to stars and fireworks in the beginning of a relationship.

But, you are convinced you want to try a slow and steady approach to dating (this time around), though it's hard to know where you stand with what feels like lukewarm behavior.

You might even wonder if this potential lover has more of an avoidant attachment style, (what I call a Rolling Stone), and is afraid to commit, or withholding their deeper feelings.

If this sounds like you, you’ll want to watch this 10-minute video, because I am going to highlight 4 myths and false premises that underlie this type of question, and suggest a way to navigate your way through!

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[ysabellacanlale]

I was a huge avoidant and I wasn't even aware until someone I loved and saw my future with actually left because he thought I did not feel the same towards him. I was so scared of showing and expressing myself to him, and would often have dismissive behaviors toward him. I went through depression. 3 years later, I met someone and instead of holding back, I really tried my best to show and express what I feel every time, and never hold back because I didn't like what happened to me last time. However, the person I was with was the reflection of how I used to be before--huge avoidant, and very unaware. I finally understood what my former person felt about my behavior before---the inconsistencies, the needing for assurance, push and pull. Eventually, I was the one who left the relationship, not because I didn't have patience or understanding for him (I did), but because I needed to prioritize myself and my wellbeing this time. I didn't want to be in the continuing toxic cycle.

I am still working on myself, but also being open-minded about everyone else. At the same time, it's important to know when to let go especially if you are already catching yourself being caught up in a pattern. You cannot make someone change unless they are willing to change themselves, and realize they want to change for themselves. It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to be vulnerable with someone.

[amazinggrace]

If your avoidance is stronger than love you feel for someone, you got a problem. Avoidant people should ironically be avoided.

[MagicApple]

I'm an avoidant attachment person. Give us time. This is SO much easier to say online...

I've been married for 7 years now, my husband is very much a sensitive, physical type of guy. We clash a lot, in fact, many times (especially early on) he thought I was always being dismissive.

Which, I was...still can be.

All I can say is that we do care, it is just so hard to feel okay with feeling that, let alone expressing. It's...very uncomfortable, on so many levels.

But I try in small ways.

Please be patient & understanding! So many assume we're just logical computers or at the worst, sociopaths.

So many I see here are attacking the avoidants, and being one, I hope I can share perspective.

My husband is an 'anxious' btw. I love him but when he's more clingy, I feel uncomfortable...but I try and meet him half way.

Always a work in progress! 🤔

[Revolution-tlwo]

At this point, the two things are the same to me and I'm walking away, because I'm absolutely out of patience dealing with avoidants.

[cibertronx]

Avoidant, immature, lack of ability to express his thoughts, feelings, avoidant sex, aggressiveness, borderline...he had it all. Doesn't even matter if he was into me or not. Type of men a conscious woman has no need to put up with. Such troubled people should not even approach the dating scene. Mental illness is another story. They can fake it, but not for long.

[guiwangever]

I (anxious attachment with fearful avoidant tendencies) just ended a 3 months "relationship" with a man that was so heavily dismissive avoidant, could not communicate his emotions at all, didn't know what he want or how he felt, and left me feeling like i was just "not good enough" and it must've been me that messed everything up when he was so into me at the start. this video heavily resonated with me as i struggled to accept how cold and nonchalant he was when things ended- like he never cared at all to begin with.

Wish i had found your videos sooner Bianca, would've saved me so much heartbreak and PTSD haha. Now i know to never ever attempt anything with an avoidant again, especially a DA.

[lunab.]

this was amazing, omg it hit home in every way. super super helpful. as an AA the idea of letting go is very hard even if it means i am prioritizing my own needs, because 1) there's this internalized belief that i am responsible for the feelings of others, and that if i don't continue to be there for others, i am a failure or they will leave me and i will "miss out" on "true love", 2) if i voice how i feel, people will turn away from me, thus leaving, because i voiced my needs/concerns/etc., 3) love is all in or out (like you mentioned). that this person has to know right away what they feel for me and that if they're pushing themselves away it's because they really do care and are just hiding it b/c it is scary for them (which in the case of the rolling stone could potentially be an aspect of it, but often times my actions/words were probably acting as a catalyst for their core wounds), 4) they will find someone "better" which is really just a projection of my very own insecurities. THANK YOU for this. had to pause the video at times to really let myself process what you were saying because it is so very accurate!

[marieconway]

The avoidant implied heavily they wanted a long-term relationship, then when I slowed things down they turned angry and aggressive. I gather my anxious attachment style is more measured than it used to be. He's really messed up, I'm glad we were never intimate.

[demeterlaw]

Or...just avoid the Avoidant person entirely...I have so much to Offer, and my Energy is VALUABLE. An Avoidant person is basically a fiasco, a Black Hole, a knot so hard to untie, a person who eternally interprets EVERYTHING I DO as a PERSONAL AFFRONT. I don't know if there is anything to be done with this type of person. THANK YOU for this explanation, this is why we are all SINGLE. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE BEFORE MARRIED THE PERSON THEY HAD SEX WITH...and the relationship unfolded under the UMBRELLA OF MARRIAGE.

[ARichardP]

8:55 “We don’t understand affection as expressed in shades of grey.”
Can definitely relate to this boundary confusion.

[_keepintouch]

You're so specific with your words and I love it. I love how you don't say things that are completely boxed in and categorized. You use words like some people may, some people may not, and that you don't definitively put everyone into a box.

[belcardozo]

6:41 yes yes yes !!!! Thank I struggle with people understanding that being nice and not wanting to commit are not opposites

[sahvaren]

Thank you 🙏🏽 this really helped me move forward in an emotionally intelligent way in regards to a potentially avoidant reflection, rather than resorting to shame and blame

[ShortDarknLovely]

i've recently discovered that the "butterflies" that we feel are our body's alarm system telling us that that person is not the one for you. A person that feels peaceful/safe is what we should keep an eye out for.

[jjc]

I needed a video like this!!! Thank you

Who wants a rolling stone? Honestly. That’s a lot of work.

[booksale]

You’re brilliant! You’re one of the few YouTubers who speak about attachment style with such eloquence, depth, in vivo examples to help with comprehension. Your videos are such high caliber content that I often watch them twice. Thanks

[carolineroper]

This video was so helpful. I mostly relate to avoidant attachment style (although we're all complex and different situations can bring out different sides). So I was sort of hoping to answer the question "Am I avoidant or just not that into them?" Which I didn't necessarily get an answer to, but I appreciate the takeaway that there's a spectrum and we may want a particular level of involvement. I appreciate that gender norms and gender stereotypes don't really play a role in this advice. Women are often encouraged or pressured to let the man set the agenda and do the pursuing, or to always choose the man who's most committed, and it's so useful to just advise everyone, regardless of gender to independently figure out what they want with a particular person and bring that into conversation.

[istrala]

A couple of my big takeaways:
1. decide what I want for myself
2. know that it won't necessarily be clear for a while what is that I do want from a given relationship

[laurak]

Thank you for your videos. As always, they are very helpful. I am an open heart. I just finished my "second time around" with a rolling stone. He came back to me wanting to take things slow. I tried my best but, after 3 months, he rolls away when there is conflict. I was needing assurance. He didnt understand why and perceived me of having a hidden agenda. He concluded that he ultimately didnt want the relationship. This time I changed my behavior and released control. I allowed him to go without an argument. I just find it interesting that we were broken up for 6 months and he came back realizing I was "the one" but drops me as soon as I start expressing my needs. In retrospect, I was probably being demanding instead of opening a dialogue.

[livefreeallways]

This is why it's good to develop a friendship first