The Dismissive Avoidant's Idea Of A Healthy Relationship | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, I talk about the dismissive avoidant's ideal relationship and specific relationship needs.

As a dismissive avoidant attachment style or a partner of one, what are some specific needs you need to meet more than others for your ideal relationship?

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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:06 - Common Dismissive Avoidant Needs
00:02:01 - Autonomy, Independence, Freedom
00:03:02 - Appreciation, Acknowledgement
00:03:56 - Understanding, Acceptance, Support
00:04:32 - Harmony Peace, Time to Decompress
00:05:00 - 14-Day Trial: DA Reprogramming Course
00:06:11 - Certainty, Stability, Safety
00:06:43 - Conclusion

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!

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[ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

As a dismissive avoidant attachment style or a partner of one, what are some specific needs you need to meet more than others for your ideal relationship?

[rms]

Reminder: DAs had no control over their nurture-they adapted to survive. It is, however, ultimately their responsibility to work through it. One of the reasons it is important to heal your attachment is so that you don’t hurt other people- just like how these comments would hurt a DA

[zoupsnutz]

I'm secure. I've had some success with my DA by getting him to focus on his responses, rather than my needs. For instance, I'll text: Who scared you into silence? Who taught you that your voice was insignificant? How have you come to believe that your feelings don't matter?
I don't ask the questions in rapid succession but I use a question structured in this way to elicit a response to my own needs.
If I want a response to a text, rather than telling him that his non-response devalues (or disrespects me), I'll ask: "Who taught you that your feelings don't matter? They were wrong. You matter to me. I'd love to know what you think."
Nothing is perfect but I seem to get my needs met by getting my DA to question himself as to why his typical DA response is acceptable (or not) and why he's not responding.

[cheyezashikwambana]

My partner of 3 years broke up with me recently, and man does it hurt. DA style is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. It's lonely. You want connection but don't know how to connect. You care so much for your partner but don't know how to show them. Your partner eventually leaves because they are tired of your behavior and all you feel is guilt, shame, and regret. It absolutely sucks. Wishing everyone DA healing, you are worthy, and one day it'll come right

[CommandoMaster]

DA tend to not want anybody get close enough to them because DAs value their independence/freedom so much. As a partner, you're gonna have to put in a lot of support, understanding, stability, etc. without receiving much back in the relationship. And if anything seems to go wrong (eg. conflict happens), then the DA will look for a reason to leave u suddenly. It's a very hard attachment style to be with.

[HeyitsJade]

I’m sure not all DAs are like this, but the one I was with talked to me and pursued me everyday for a year and then started pulling away emotionally and then ghosted when I set a boundary. It sounds like they want consistency safety and security but, can’t even offer it. This da would constantly stone wall, gaslight, shutdown and when I expressed needs I was dismissed. I don’t say I’ll never date a da but they must be doing the work. I’m an FA /therapist and I’m working on becoming secure and doing all the emotional labor because he can’t/won’t was so exhausting. I cried for days after he ghosted me. Now I’m glad the dramatic cycle has ended

[shannonchristian]

Nearly every DA I've ever met has also been a malignant, abusive narcissist. They want you to meet all of the needs listed in the video without ever having to do the same for their partner. Very one-sided relationship where you aren't allowed to have any needs at all but are expected to always be on tap for them. When you stand up for yourself is when they start with the gaslighting, shaming you for having needs and emotions, and ghosting when you set boundaries. No thank you.

[sshuteandrew]

The DA’s idea of a healthy relationship is to see someone 2-3 times a month with little to no communication in between. If you desire more than that, they will see that as unsupportive or pressure and they will leave. If you express your emotions, feelings or needs, they will see that as unsupportive or suffocating, and they will leave. Bottom line, they leave. They always need to be in the driver’s seat, and they leave no room for compromise. If your DA isn’t seeking help, run, they refuse to foster connection, instead they will retreat and shut down.

[nightsideoveden]

A severe DA is someone who doesn't really want a relationship. They think they want a relationship, but what they really want is a situationship that's about as far as they can go. They'll never tell you in a clear and healthy manner what they want because they dont really know what they want. If you want anything more than this dynamic, then you better leave otherwise prepare for a life of misery.

[myspirit.divinecenter]

Exactly. The way she puts it in the video makes it sound more wholesome than it is. But if somebody wants harmony at the expense of owning up to when they have hurt someone. They want appreciation for only giving crumbs instead of them actually giving true committment. And they want to have fun with a partner but not have responsibility to show up when they are needed.

They can't take any cirticism and want to run around doing what they want while having someone emotionaly invest in them.

They want to be emotionally close to someone without the other person to be affected by their inconsiderate actions - which doesnt happen.

They want the benefits of emotional closeness without the responsibility and work and committment needed to make a relationship work.

[naga]

It’s great just looking at the list of needs the whole time.
It’s very helpful, because you see that how DA’s meet these needs is counterproductive.
For just one example, DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT’s need certainty, and yet in pulling away to meet their need for autonomy, they themselves create uncertainty!!!
What I have found is that there is NO relationship when with a DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT.
It doesn’t actually exist.

[roshalllambert]

She was accurate when she said Understanding, acceptance and support are huge for DAs and still remain with them even after becoming secure!

[the_salty_melody]

I see DAs needing the above. These are also beautiful needs. Sadly, I don't see them always offering the same - DAs can be harsh in their exchange, shout, use crude language. Not offer stability, understanding, acknowledgement, etc. It's sad cause you get what you give. I appreciate what one of the commenters said below:

"Advice to all, the one way to meet your needs is to offer to others what you need. You teach people how to treat you. By giving what you need genuine people will reciprocate."

[denpolevichek]

Very useful explanation.Slides make it more comprehensive.Thanks

[sifublack]

As a DA, I can attest to this. While I've risen above the approval of others, I still enjoy my peace, independence, and alone time. Forever, when it comes to conflict In in no way scared or fearful. I take on conflict like I take on everything else in life; head on!

[Lolipop]

Need for certainty? Stability?When they cannot even make or stick to plans 3 days ahead? Stability when the whole relationship they are making you doubt whether they really want to be with you or not? Sorry but it seems that a DA asks for everything he/she doesn’t give, which only makes a DA selfish

[primerdimers]

Love your work and compassion to help and educate others ❤️

[amysheller]

Life with DA is hell. They do literally NOTHING for others, but demand above stated needs and more. And if someone else dare to communicate their needs, they are the worst people on earth. DA's motto for optimal relationship is "obey, stat silent, don't expect anything from me'. Therfore, no thanks, rather chemoterapy with Justin Bieber on radio.

[dmitryisaev]

That’s interesting, because DAs tend to destroy at least half of this list in a relationship…

[hopek]

I don't even have to watch. They think the perfect relationship is someone who lives in another state and you only talk a couple of times a year. Yeah, no thanks