The Dismissive Avoidant's Top 6 Triggers | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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What are the top 6 most triggering behaviours for a Dismissive Avoidant in a relationship? In this video we discuss relationship volatility, the impact of personal criticism. the weight of expectation, pressure to open up & be more vulnerable, the power of acknowledgement and - lastly - the importance of respecting boundaries & not invading privacy.

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00:00 Intro to 'The Dismissive Avoidant's Top 6 Triggers'
00:35 Dismissive avoidant trigger 1 - Relationship volatility
04:40 Dismissive avoidant trigger 2 - Personal criticism
06:07 Dismissive avoidant trigger 3 - Expectation
08:19 Dismissive avoidant trigger 4 - Pressure to open up & be more vulnerable
09:42 Dismissive avoidant trigger 5 - Not feeling acknowledged
11:05 Dismissive avoidant trigger 6 - Boundaries & privacy being violated

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[romaekimberlybisnott]

This was so accurate! My DA ex and I are attempting to work things out. With the tools I have learned from PDS and our time apart I believe we have a good chance this time. I was able to see where we triggered each other in our past relationship. This was so helpful. Please pray for a healthy successful relationship with a former AA who has been working hard to heal her wounds and traumas and her DA! Thank you so much for the work you’re doing. I am a PDS member for LIFE!

[F-in-AZ]

Credit to all the DA's that are watching this and trying to get better. It's not easy to change something so deep inside you that you don't even realize it was there.

[iluvitim]

being with an avoidant takes a tremendous amount of patience and unconditional love, u literally have to be a saint and give all the space they need, let them have their freedom and autonomy. no demanding, no expectation, go with the flow.. focus on you, your passion, your hobbies.. learn to self sooth, have your own emotional support.. at the same time be there for them, be on the same team, be a good listener. heal your own wounds and become more and more secure .. be light.. be safe.. be kind.. be fun, and be happy while ure doing all these things. and one day just like that something shifts in them. it happens, do the opposite to what your anxious narrative tells u to do, it works.

[wilbur]

Top Triggers of Dismissive Avoidants
00:38 - Volatility
They value safety via consistency, predictability, congruency, you showing up.
Unpredictable = unsafe.
Needs: safety, security, certainty.
Volatile trauma behaviours of SO will cause the DA to work harder at first, but then erode to surrender.
"But when I get angry, they actually pay attention" says the SO.
Yup, but it pushes them away in the end.

4:50 - Criticism
Blunt, harsh words trigger the "I am defective wound". They then feel shame and they want to run and hide.

6:08 - Expectation
Expectation makes them feel incapable.
"Sometimes my partner wants stuff, I do my best, but I don't get it right and I feel, 'why bother' because I feel defeated and hurt and vulnerable even just trying to do it."

8:19 - Pressure to Open Up or Be Vulnerable
This triggers feeling unsafe, trapped, weak, or controlled.
They fear losing their independence.
Independence = survival.

9:42 - Not Feeling Acknowledged.
They don't need approval, but they do value feeling acknowledged when they're trying.
They don't know if they're doing a good job at the emotional stuff because of a lack of modelling.
It's already a huge effort for them to try in relationships. So them making an effort is them facing their biggest fears.
So if they make a huge effort, and it still doesn't get acknoweldged, that's where they give up.

11:06 - Violated Boundaries
If someone infringes on their boundaries, their space, they're triggered.
It goes hand-in-hand with pressuring them to open up.

[Taylorlynnhansen]

This is all great information BUT, as a partner to a DA, I don’t honestly believe we can do much to HELP or SHOW them that they are safe/doing their best/we are proud/patient/trying. I personally feel this advice that offered in parts of the video ONLY applies when we’re working with a DA who actually is doing their own work on themselves. If they aren’t making moves to heal and work on their stuff, there’s nothing we can do that’ll pull this all together in a healthy way.

[lilyevangelus]

Thank you.
I just started a relationship with someone like this. And one thing I can say about these people is that, these are one of the most difficult type of people to deal with.

Because avoiding those triggers is like avoiding land mines, it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship without having difficult emotional connection at all and be a perfect cute little doll so the guy will always feel safe 24/7 and doesn’t run away.

It does require us to be solid rock, self reliance and self fulfilling machine for the both of us at all times to be with them.

Forgive my frustration. But it is frustrating.
I don’t give up on people easily. I believe there’s always a reason why we are in someone’s life and why they are in our lives.

[queenofeast]

I feel so bad reading these comments 😔 I swear we didn't choose to be like this, sometimes I just wish I'd disappear with all the memories people have about me. I am trying to heal and improve myself slowly everyday which is why I ended all kind of relationships I had with people and only left my relatives close by because I don't want to hurt more people with my traumas . I just want to say that I'm sorry and I'm trying (but seriously though, why is therapy so expensive? :/)

[matthewcandler]

The part about being Dismissive and feeling defeated when really trying caused by miscommunication really struck home for me.

[jessicasteel]

I am 1000% a DA and I know exactly why. I’ve always known I had some trauma but couldn’t put a name to what that is. I am so glad I ran across this video. Also it’s not a DAs fault for being a DA (I know you mentioned that in the video) a lot of my trauma is from my parents not being emotionally available and me not having a safe place to speak about what was in my mind or on my heart so I had to find out how to deal with things myself. DAs may be hard to handle but please don’t give up on your loved ones as they try to heal ❤️

[DuckDuckGo]

So much hate in the comments. Hate for a person who has a condition born out of a traumatic childhood through no fault of their own . It’s horrendous being the partner of a DA I agree but it should be recognised

[AlinaTowers]

Your explanation of what the DA feels when their expressions of love miss the mark is very interesting. I really see this in my husband. After 15 years of telling him how I need to be loved, he still keeps doing it his way, and seeing me as hard to please. It seems like he really does want to do things right, but he thinks he shouldn’t be told how and it should happen “naturally” (it doesn’t, ever). And when pressed, he seems to be paralyzed—he doesn’t seem capable of giving an honest compliment. He freezes or becomes defensive, even trying to find ways to blame me.

[keejackson]

I am definitely a DA. This is exactly how I operate. I'm so excited to learn more about this and grow and heal. Thank you for this information!

[dansimmons]

I did all of these with my DA ex-wife. She left about four months ago after I had been in trauma therapy for 6 months to deal with my issues. She is completely unaware she has any trauma of her own, despite me pointing it out. There’s no talking to her anymore, but understanding this really helps me to move on. Thank you so much.

[SK-nopp]

It’s funny they value safety so much yet cannot provide it for their partner (ghosting, disappearing; hot and cold behavior, not validating)

[medyoga]

I am struggling to understand how a DA struggles to receive criticism when they find it so easy to criticize their partner. I find that my former DA partner found it challenging to compliment me or validate me in anyway, but he had no problem criticizing me. If they don't like it why would it be well received by their partner?

[pricejoss]

I’ve just come out of a relationship with a DA before I knew what a DA was. It was one of the hardest relationships I’ve been in. Everything you’ve said is so accurate. Thank you for the video.

[tiffanyhughes]

I wish I had watched this a few months ago, watching has brought me to tears. I lost someone I love very deeply, and I realise now that I hit every single one of his triggers unintentionally. If only I could turn back time, I would approach things very differently.

[jamie-uzxo]

Me and my DA broke up in our first fight beginning of power struggle a little over a year. I knew his issues and I’m sure I could have done better. This was the third time he came back after a 2 short dating periods about 2 months. He committed within 2 weeks. Even “changed his FB status” told me he loved me after about 2 months. He acted more attached when I was around. But not around it was like out of sight out of mind. One time I asked him nicely “since we don’t see each other much. Can we just text each other goodmorning and goodnight. That would make me feel much better and validated. It lasted like 2 days and after I was the only one doing it for about a week I said “am I the only one doing this?” He responded “yeah, you make it like a chore and I makes me not want to do it” even when I communicated nicely and he didn’t want to. He was so cold about it!

[PerrySkyePhoenix]

I'm an anxious avoidant who was recently involved with a dismissive avoidant. He was very inconsistent and Hella triggered me. I recently told him that I couldn't see him anymore, and I meant it. He blew me off when we had plans for the last time. It hurt me a lot... and it wasn't the first, second or third time. I won't give him any more chances to hurt me. He has a low tolerance for emotional volatility and criticism... but he sure as hell didn't care about how I felt. I don't hate him, but I am still very pissed off at him.

[angelosenteio]

For the skeptics, I never been to therapy, never read any books or videos about ANY of this relationship stuff but recently I was evaluating my own relationships and behavior over years, and I came to realize that I have the exact behavior she describes as DA.

It was a revelation I had and at first I thought maybe I was a “rare bird” then
I stumbled across these videos. It makes me feel better knowing that others have this same blind spot and it can be managed.

I referred to the issue as my blind spot, or behavior so intertwined with my own identity that I couldn’t see it.

If you know a DA be patient, It’s likely they don’t see the pattern and likely won’t be receptive to your criticisms or assessments because we tend to rely on our own judgement more than others. That’s being said, we don’t know, what we don’t know.

I’ll also say this, if your in a relationship with a DA and your working through it you will be rewarded with a level of intimacy that most relationships never enjoy because when a DA lets you in, you have a companion for life. One that will give as much as it receives.

Good luck!