Breaking the Trauma Bonds, One Link at a Time

Trauma Bonding occurs when a there is a one sided power balance in a relationship that is exploited through both positive and negative reinforcement. This can create an emotional but dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation.

It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that normally occurs in coercive relationships. In this video Darren Magee discusses the difficulties of having been trauma bonded and some of the obstacles to recovery, but also looks at some ideas that can help on the path to freedom.

0:00 Intro
0:38 What a Trauma Bond is
1:20 The affects of being Trauma Bonded
2:18 Educate yourself
3:49 Don't go looking for them to 'fix you'
5:24 Stop blaming and punishing yourself
6:27 Learn to self sooth
6:48 Recognise you are grieving
8:05 Build supportive relationships with others and utilise your support network

Other videos on this topic you might find interesting:

The Stages of Trauma Bonding

Six Signs of Being Trauma Bonded

Further information for support can be found below:

Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.

If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack

#traumabonding #traumabonds #mentalhealth

[buddyneher]

"Recovery is a journey, not a mad dash" - this would make a great wall plaque 🙂

[xqrpfmp]

"We greive the relationship we wanted, and not the one we actually had, " is soooo true! Thank you for reverberating that! Cheers!

[beverlystover]

One thing I have experienced in trauma bonding was isolation! We seemed to move very often so I could not really make friendship with others to have a sounding board. My husband’s work facilitated this. I was naive and did not realize this was happening.

Peter Peter Pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well

Beware of isolation.

[deborahbarchard]

This was made for me. After 38 years of marriage I got the courage to act. Thanks to friends and a wonderful social worker I have the support and wisdom to take strides to start my life again.

[justChrisjones]

Mine has been a long journey, a lifelong journey. It was so complicated and painful. This is what happens with the trauma bond, in feeling I was to blame for everything, i did not know he did the same to my two children. My son became his main new supply, after i divorced him. I couldn't ever imagine a parent would intentionally corrupt their child. By the time I figured out his " winner takes it all " saying that he was a psychopath, they both passed away in 2018. You just can't imagine someone continuing their evil that long. I really wish that I got out and hid with my kids somewhere when they were very little.

[taraann]

When I am having a weak day l keep thinking of the man that I first met, I’ll have a look at my wedding photos and feel sadness..it’s so easy to slip back, then I make myself remember about the miserable days of silences when he refused to talk or discuss anything, that brings me back to reality..I think I’ll burn that wedding album and close this Chapter for good..Thank You for your videos and your help.

[mzliberty]

Peace be the Journey ...
another great vid from you....
sometimes the grief 'events' come along so thick and fast its like getting knocked down [hurt] and as u struggle to get back up... you get knocked down again .. the struggle to get back up gets longer and harder ... and 'bang' ... knocked down again. all i can say really .. is dont ever give up . this too will pass.. [weak moments not weak person] time will help dull the pain ... and if we are smart we may learn something from all those times we were knocked down .... we can learn something from all that grief ... Thanks for listening .. x

[Eighties-Jadie]

Fantastic video as always Darren and thanks so much ❤️ what you said about breaking away from toxic relationships feels like an addiction is so true because it's like going cold turkey during cutting contact and detoxing from them. I love how you said give yourself compassion and express your feelings in a healthy way. I use art, journalling, poetry, photography, weights and boxing as outlets for pent up anger and frustration over the trauma I experienced. This allows me to fully feel my emotions without repressing them and in turn am able to release them in a safe productive way. I hope you're keeping well Darren and thanks again very much ☀️

[demigaines]

THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS. I AM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED WITH AN OVERT NARCISSTIS IM BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT EVERYTHING YOU JUST DESCRIBED IS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH..
THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS YOUR VIDEOS HAVE HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY..

[taom]

34 years before the hard, final discard five years ago. I guess I was sort of trauma bonded? I never let him gaslight me. I've always had a first class brain and a strong sense of self, whereas he did word salads and toxic amnesia [altho I didn't know what that was at the time] and clearly needed people to think he was a great guy, so would bend in any direction, so I grew to know my hold on reality was far stronger than his. But 34 years is a long time - to be exposed to intermittent reinforcement, emotional exploitation, and being victimised whenever Mr Hyde decided to put in an appearance - even if I fought back, and what else do you call reaching out to your abuser to win them back, time after time? The withdrawal was unbearable, worse than the abuse, which, until the end, sort of came and went, depending on the quality of his external source of supply. So when he dumped me, in session, shocking both me and the therapist who had been working with us [she held his heels to the fire and he saw no way out, I guess: What are you going to do, going forward, to make better choices? Ones that build connection instead of making distance? Look at her. Your wife is hurting...] he said he was out. And my God, it was like he flipped a switch. He went from 'you are the love of my life' to 'yeah, I figure I have about seven good years left' in an instant. The therapist waited for him to go start the car and she hugged me. I was sobbing. All hope for that Norman Rockwell painting died in that moment, but she told me I would be okay. And I knew I would, academically, in my prefrontal cortex, but I knew it was going to be rough. Bad, really bad, But I finally accepted that this was no good for me or him, that it would be easier for him to walk out on me than for me to leave him [I had an intuition I would behave much better than he would] and I was determined to let him leave me no matter how depressed, anorexic, sleep deprived, slammed, terrified, I felt. I had a lot of nightmares, where I would wake up soaked in sweat and had ripped the bed apart. It was the worst, though, in the mornings, when I was getting ready for work, where for about a year I would fall to my knees, sometimes, the emotions were so overwhelming. I have a very demanding job so for the most part I couldn't do anything but focus on that all day long, then come home and try to eat something. I grew very thin. About a year in, I started to google, "What does it mean when your husband does ...." and narcissism popped up every time. Everything clicked into place. So many crazy things suddenly made perfect sense. This understanding helped immensely. I spent the next two years ruminating, but I could eat. I stopped hitting the floor. I drank a bit too much. I started to examine other relationships and divesting myself of unsupportive friends and toxic family. Covid was a dark dark stretch of isolation, but also a gift, b/c I had to face demons that I had boxed for years. Four years in, I stopped trying too hard to make new friends [it wasn't working] and was still, worked on exercise and nutrition, SLEEP, and making small boundaries. Slowly but surely, good people are starting to show up. I still dream about my ex maybe four nights a week? but there are fewer nightmares and during the day I am so damn happy to be out of it. So damn happy to understand it and feel like I am no longer naked and vulnerable in the world and that no one will ever be able to weaponize my compassion and empathy against me ever again. So damn happy to have pulled the plug on the other toxic people in my life. So damned happy to mow my own lawn, do my own finances, taxes, even, and swim around in my great lovely bed, which I have to myself, all night. Before, I only thought I quite liked who I am. Now, I know I do. This feeling is worth any amount of suffering, for anyone else who is thinking of getting free.

[susanmckenzie]

I found through personal experience is that once you know this is happening then just get out

[brianreed]

I keep coming back to watch this one again and again.

[geotyr]

such a helpful video, thank you again. you really don't overwhelm or sound like "preaching" or "winding up sides", so glad I've found your channel :) balanced and really valued contribution. thank you. your kindness and respect comes through, and for me this really puts you at the top. it happened to reach your channel after watching several others so really appreciating your approach and professional ethos. it's different to use words in order to achieve x y, and different to model i.e. how respectful actually looks like by leading it. of the closest I've happened to come across for support having actually best interests at heart, as making most sense to me.

[ellasladek]

You are very kind and I like how you put things, this is one of my favorite videos, thanks for helping us heal !

[veronicafadel]

One thing that is helping me break the trauma bond chains is writing everything I want to say to my narcissistic husband as I’m getting ready to leave him. This is freeing me emotionally and I know it will help me move on easier after I leave.
I can’t write on paper cuz he’ll find it and throw it away. So I’m texting my thoughts to someone I trust and she will send my texts back to me when I’m ready then I will send them to him as soon as I’m safely out of the house. He can read my texts or not, I don’t care. But knowing that I gave him the chance to understand what I want him to know is good enough for me. This has helped me immensely to sift through my own feelings, validate myself, realize the evil nature behind his abuse, give me clarity in the fog that has been my life with him for the past 13 years, and experience a sense of closure and hope looking forward.

[s.hicks]

I’m writing these down and passing it on to my husband. He’s been working on dealing with issues that still affect him to this day from growing up in a narcissistic family. These are fantastic. Thank you Darren!

[pizzakrydder]

This is a very good guide to healing, thanks for another great video!

[susancosgrove]

Brilliant! I have enjoyed and benefited from your videos but this one is special. I came to realise I am grieving the man I believed him to be not the man he proved to be. And, from this video, I recognise I am also grieving the 'me' that foresook precious relationships (and resources - time, energy, money) to support someone who only ever made 'withdrawals' but very little 'deposits'. Appreciate the advice too is for self-knowledge, assertion and boundary awareness. I'm a late learner....but I'm but a learner nonetheless. Thank you for your videos (going to watch this again) ⚘

[dianemoril]

The way he had me was through grief.

I lost one of my parents, and at that time his behavior changed a lot for the worse. He took advantage of me being emotionally broken to take over our relationship. before this grief I had strong boundaries, and we had a balanced relationship. this balance cost me a lot, but at the time I had enough energy to maintain it, which gave the impression that our couple was healthy.

I give these details because one of my friends is going through exactly the same patern with her husband. She has lost a parent, she is struggling to recover, and since this grief, her husband’s behavior is getting worse and worse while she is visibly overwhelmed by events. Instead of supporting her and helping her, he accumulates blunders that he did not do before, and minimizes his actions when she confronts him. her stamina has fade, and now she begin to fall ill. exactly what happened to me.

I think it’s a tactic that narcissistic partners use a lot. they chew gently when the victim is strong, they chew harder when the victim weakens. you can’t be weak with a narcissistic partner: he’ll never help you. It took me 10 years to grieve for my parent's death because I wasn’t safe enough in my own home to listen to my emotions and accept the reality of my loss. he didn't let it happen because while I would have been taking care of myself I wouldn't be taking care of him. a narcissistic person needs 100% of your attention!

At first, it was a relief to put a name on my husband’s behavior. because at least it meant that I couldn’t do any better in any way. you can’t be a couple by yourself. If your partner still destroys what you’re doing, you can’t go anywhere together, so that’s a relief.

then the hard part was acknowledging that I had been manipulated for years, and then the grief came with a lot of anger. I’ve lost so much in this relationship and I’m left with nothing... at least I’m alive and my mind isn’t broken.

[lavillablanca]

Then, the tears of the narcissist overflow, assurance they’ll never repeat the abuse, all the while knowing it is victory or defeat - and they have no intention of compromise, which is the same as defeat to them and those magic words, “I love you” absolves them of all their vicious soul-crushing verbal assaults.
.