Foster parent being asked about adoption

Foster parents: had this happened to you?

In many areas, case workers are required to ask about adoption very early into the case (sometimes on day one).

This can be hard to reconcile as a foster parent who is focused on reunification. It can add stress for a child who may hear this conversation (yes, many workers ask right in front of the child 😑).

Workers: please handle this convo with care.

Foster parents: I share so you are prepared (I was not prepared the first time it was asked of me!). If you notice the child is within ear shot, consider pausing and asking for this convo to be done over the phone in private. Additionally, please know that it is ok to not have an answer. This is a big decision and my personal opinion is that this should be handled differently.

Again, personal opinion, many people are not able to separate these plans in their mind and heart (reunification and adoption). SO much can happen during a case: reunification, relative moves, appeals, ICWA involvement, siblings being born, etc. Adding in adoption or a potential can be conflicting and hard to manage emotionally.

What do you think? Agree or disagree with this aspect of child welfare? When should this convo happen? Has a worker brought it up to you? Please share your experiences ⬇️

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[AbbyWoodlandAuthor]

I’d call them out if they ask about it in front of the kids. NOTHING should be discussed in front of the kids until it’s permanent and only good things. None of the adult crap. Workers should know this.

[TizzySnik]

I was asked this in front of my foster child. I said I wasn’t comfortable answering that with her in the room, but I was pressured into answering anyway. I said it was something I’d consider, and that got my foster child really excited. Two months later I had to say goodbye while she moved back with her bio mum. I’m now godmother to her baby boy, but I wish I didn’t answer the question with her in the room. It made it so much harder for both of us

[zacgallenlover]

“Adoption is a bigger decision than marriage” is a great line. Neutral way to show the gravity of the situation ❤

[lidiakocsis]

So true. In Romania during cofid my 7 month old baby ended up in foster care while I almost died of pneumonia. I took him back. But it was a hard thing for me to understand why the social worker did everything in her power to give my baby up for adoption. She even lied to the judge. I have my son back with me ... but it scares me how something that was meant to help me ended up hurting me

[WisteriatheFirst]

Love that you consider adopting a bigger decision than marriage. You can get a divorce but children are supposed to be forever. I was adopted as an infant then my adoptive parents severely, severely abused me. I left at 14. That was their commitment. 14 years. Thank you for all the wonderful things you do.

[thejava.witchiswhispering]

I used to be a transporter for kids who are in foster care. Essentially I would pick these kids up and take them to parental visitation, where their case manager was supposed to be present to supervise. We transporters wound up doing all the supervising. I had no training. No de-escalation training, I did not know the laws around what was okay at visits, what wasn't okay around visits, what needed to be reported to case managers, etc. I almost let slip once that a foster family was being considered for potential adoption to a bio mom who's parental rights were about to be terminated, when she believed that she was making great progress toward reunification. The system isn't just flawed. It's

[Sammyxcatlover]

I would be so angry if this was asked to me in front of kids.

That feels manipulative to make you immediately answer yes.

[kimberlythompson]

Coming from someone who just reunified i can't say enough how much a person like you, a custodian like you is the ideal of how every foster parent should act and feel. You understand that ppl (parents) sometimes mess up and that doesn't always mean they don't want their kids. I wish everyone (every child) that has the heartache of having to be in this kind of situation had a amazing understanding person like you in their corner!❤❤

[Aidan-uqci]

Adoption is huge. My older sister was kinda coerced in that way and it didn’t end well, she ended up putting my brother in a boys home and kicking me out to live on my own and her reasoning was it was “harder than I thought it would be” to care for us. Please consider every part of child care before adopting, including the uncomfortable and the ugly.

[karliebradham]

I was so blessed the courts said no concurrent plan! I spent two years working my butt off to get my angel back and I was crushed to think I could lose her forever and not all addicted parents are like me, but I got sober and clean and I've stayed that way for 2 years and 9 months. The foster family was amazing but I told them when I lost her that I was going to fight to get her back and prove to everyone and myself I can be the mother she needs. I just happened to have my case during COVID so it lasted a lot longer than normal

[blueeyedbatman]

Unfortunately there's also another side to this. We ran a foster care and we had two brothers for a while who THRIVED with us and we adored them. They were 5 and 7 when they came to us and neither could speak more than 10 words. By the end they were ASKING us to stay. As soon as we brought up adoption, they took them and sent them to live with a super distant relative. They had never met the boys and they were so far removed that they barely qualify as family. It was heartbreaking.

[christopherkennedy]

All 5 of my kids were foster/adopt. Not once was I ever asked with the kids present, extremely unprofessional and traumatic.

[Faesharlyn]

Asking that in front of the kids should be grounds for immediate termination

[CsDsG]

My mom had to testify in court for the maternal TPR of my brother. They didn't bring up adoption until years later. We still opted not to adopt, he has challenges and it would also be easier for us to find his paternal bio family if we had all the workers helping us.
He aged out this weekend and we were able to have his bio paternal grandmother at his birthday party! His grandfather lives too far away and his dad has passed. His grandmother was so excited to meet him this past year. She's also helping him get his indigenous status.

[tjmartin]

Feeling out the foster parents in case TPR and adoption are eventually necessary is understandable, BUT I don’t think this should EVER be discussed around the kids, unless and until TPR and adoption have been determined as necessary.

We were asked this right after our first foster child came to us. They go ahead and start asking around (foster parents and the child/ren”s extended family members..) so they can make a concurrent permanency plan in case reunification ends up not being possible. But in front of the children?? Please, No

[claram]

Where I live, fostering and adoption are two separate processes and you can either take part in one or the other. The idea is that foster families will always work towards reunification. I think this is the safest option so that foster families won't (wittingly or unwittingly) sabotage or badmouth bio parents. It also helps foster parents understand where they stand and what their actual role is.

[zosijana]

I love how you show how to be assertive yet kind, polite and "nice" at the same time. This is so helpful in all life situations in general, especially for us "people pleasers"

[Deadpoolpresident]

I imagine it's hard enough when the parent hasn't been very communicative, but I can't imagine how much harder it would be if you've talked to the parent and know how much they love their kid and have tried to keep them in their life.

[chronicallyella]

I’ve never thought of how conflicting it must feel to love the kids and be offered adoption but also have been working with the parents so hard. Thank you for your insight x

[sapphicalix]

I wish more people were like you. I was adopted as an infant and was horrifically abused by my adoptive guardians. I pretty much lived out of my locker in 8th grade and high school and stayed with whatever friends I could. I left when I was 16 and moved in with my girlfriend until I went to college.