Autism Communication Strategies: DON'T ask an autistic open questions!

Autism communication strategies - TIP #1: Don't ask open ended questions!
If you ask an autistic person open ended questions you have a higher likely chance of triggering a 'mind blank' situation because the prompt wasn't specific enough to trigger a memory.
Sometimes narrowing the target with a specific prompt makes a question

Online Meetup Group: (weekly aspie meetups)

CHANNEL LINKS:
-----------------------------------------------

// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!

My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.

I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.

-----------------------------------------------

// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG

You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.

The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).

In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)

Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests

Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)

-----------------------------------------------

// ABOUT ME

I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.

-----------------------------------------------

// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING

I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:

-----------------------------------------------

// CONTACT

Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!

Peace,

~Paul

[hollybrown]

My life changed when I started asking, "Can you be more specific?" Turns out, people respond to that much better than a blank stare and poorly-hidden internal panic.

[Norplinger]

I went to a new GP once and she asked me "what's your medical history?" I was completely stumped and I fumbled around for a while trying to think of every time I had ever had a medical issue in my entire life, then I got kind of panicky, because of the way she was looking at me, and I asked if she couldn't just get my medical file from my last GP, but she said she wouldn't do that unless she decided to take me as a patient. I tried to ask her too be more specific about what she wanted to know, but I must have seemed too defensive or something because she just decided that I must be a drug addict and told me that they didn't deal with drug addiction issues and told me about another medical practice that accepts drug addicts. I was just stunned and I left in tears. I actually made a complaint because I was so upset afterwards. I got a half-hearted apology, but she really didn't get it. It was quite a traumatic episode. I told them "I am autistic" when I made the appointment, but it's amazing how many GPs have no clue what that might mean.

[heathwilder]

"My short term memory is fine it just takes a little time to come to the surface"
That's exactly me. Beautifully put. I'm often TOLD I have a short term memory issue by psychologists but that's not my experience AT ALL. I just have too many things to choose one. It's like the three stooges trying to run through a doorway at the same time and getting stuck.

[JAMQWERT]

When I was young (like 7-8 years) I had a friend who I am 95% sure was also on the spectrum (like me) but neither of us were diagnosed at that age. We would go off and do some very intense interest for the day (like computer games or building elaborate fort structures etc.) when we would return to where one of our parents were, we would be asked what were we doing all day (as we weren't near them), neither of us could think of what to say as we had done so much and it was difficult to codify. They would make the assumption we were doing something bad or naughty, because we didn't have the answers they required in the time frame they believed adequate, however it was completely innocent. Any answer that eventually came later (once we had figured out how to explain), sounded like a falsehood, because it took us that long to work it out in our heads. I then felt unfairly represented as it was always the truth, but we were never believed. It is still that way today.
I can't take liars and lying and I am often portrayed as being untruthful by NTs because they don't understand this delay in response. I need time to process and filter out all the stuff they probably are not interested in. I then have to spend a great deal of my time proving my truthfulness and in the end, once I've proven my veracity, I am told "why didn't you just say that to begin with". Drives me crazy.
NTs can lie so fast and get treated like they are telling the truth because of the speed in which they do it and I take a long time, but get treated like I'm lying. So exhausting. Thanks for giving me another excellent video to view and food for thought 😊

[towelandtea]

I don't know if I'm in the spectrum or not, but I've always struggled with open-ended questions, so my strategy is to let other people answer first because I get to see what kind of answer people expect me to give, then I think of an answer that fits that pattern and mentally rehearse it in order to not sound so nervous.

[MNkno]

So.. I observe people, perhaps obsessively, as long as they don't interact with me. And I noticed that you can give any answer to the general chit-chatty social exchanges, and the questions are pretty standard, so I have a strategy already in place for that. The problem when they go to the next level is, they get an info dump... The questions that give me trouble are those where the person has something in mind that is ill-defined: "Are you in pain?", "Are you ok?"... When you reply, "Define 'pain'", "Define OK", they are at a loss. I was in hospital once for 4 weeks, people asked me that question many times every day, and I would regularly lose it, until one physician figured out the question to ask was, "Do you feel anything that keeps you awake, or wakes you up?"... THAT i could answer.

[dagnytaggart]

I'm an Asperger myself so that bit about open-ended questions hit me exactly in the right spot. However, my 8-year boy, also autistic, has the same difficulty with open-ended questions and some types of not so open-ended questions. What did you learn, how was your day, was supper good, did you play with your friends, what games did you play, etc, all these questions confuse him. He answers, I don't know, I have no idea, I don't remember or, my favourite, let's talk about it later.
I have a trick. Instead of asking point blank what he ate for supper while with mom, I ask him if he liked the racoon mommy served him. THAT triggers his attention. He corrects me immediately with a detailed description of his meal. When I want his attention in other situations I say something non-sensical like, please put on your swimming trunks, we're going to play in the snow. That brings an immediate correction while assuring me he understood the request. Compliance is another matter.

In short, I use cognitive dissonance to communicate with him.

[robertgross]

The worst one is when someone says “hi, how are you?” How are you ment to answer. A glib Ok, or telling them how you really feel. Which ever way, it feels like the wrong thing. Then cringe mode.

[savanaerie]

I didn't realise that this was a problem for others. I've always found open-ended questions stressful. "How was ur day?" "What do you do?" "What's wrong with you?". 😶

I feel like I'd have to write a whole, fully sourced essay to properly respond. When I have to answer on the spot it feels like there's a black hole in my mind and I feel silly.

Ppl say that this constitutes communication, but it seems to me that most ppl use these moments to solidify whatever reality they have already decided upon, rather than as tools of collaboration and discovery.
Note: not all questions require good answers.
God bless, be well 🌹

[PantsOnTheCeiling]

Something my personal trainer told me once (she's like a second mom to me and has guided me socially at times) is that it doesn't matter much what you say to these questions, people just want to hear from you. That kind of helped me just learn to say the first thing that comes to mind. Though it's very hard to fight against perfectionism sometimes.

[bigbad]

This made me laugh. I've been going to appointments this week to get a diagnosis and the first the Specialist said to me was "Tell me a bit about yourself." After a few seconds of thinking I asked "What do you want to know about me" lol. I didn't know where to start or exactly what she wanted to know.

[michaelkozel]

Hi, thank you for this input. I told my wife about this. She said to me: "Did you realize you cannot answer closed questions with just "yes" or "no". You always start a whole story. On the other hand if there is an open question you start to avoid an answer or think really long before you can answer. The more specific a question is, the easier it is to give an answer to it. We tried it a few times and had a lot of fun. Thanks for helping to understand and solve this communication missunderstanding between my wife and me.

[abunchofsticks]

For anyone who gets really confused when people say "Hey, what's up?" The correct answer in most cases is: "The direction pointing away from the center of whatever celestial body you happen to find yourself on".

[TinaLeder]

What an *AHA Moment* 💃

In the world of *sales* for example, they are taught to ask *only specific questions* to induce conversation, so this makes sense.
Influencing people to talk (one way to think about it) requires you to be specific.🎯

[hangugeohaksaeng]

"I'm rambling. I should just say goodbye. I never know how to end videos." I relate to this.

[jmjm]

I'm so glad to have found your channel. I think my family member is autistic and when I had that realization, I honestly started to cry bc all my life I've struggle to get to know them and we have a turbulent relationship. Realizing that they might be autistic is changing the way I interaction. I ALWAYS asked open ended question and would get exact responses, I started to ask more specific questions, I asked them about eye contact (they hate eye contact but will do it with me and my immediate family bc they got used to it). They like to have a routine and hate being taken off that routine. They struggle to make friend and social interactions are very difficult for them. All this to say, my whole life I tried to push them to do things that are the opposite of what their reality is (be in new social settings, engage and make eye contact etc). It hurts to know I have been treating them in a way that is a huge disservice to them. Thank you again for the work that you do

[richard]

I have often wondered how people are able to answer an open ended question with ease. I've always argued that it's not specific enough to actually answer. It's about as useful as asking "say something, would you?" to which most people's reply would be "about what?"

[NikkiRaven]

Dang, i never understood why i struggled so much with those “introduce yourself” moments..now i do, thank you!

[ceye]

I have had a very difficult relationship with my husband. Now I know he is on the spectrum. I cannot wait to change my communication style to improve our lives. Thank you.

[XOChristianaNicole]

Before I knew I was autistic, I took a CBT/leadership course. I always had difficulty, speaking up, in class (in a non ADHD-social manner); so, when they asked us to volunteer to introduce ourselves — I raised my hand and spoke up, to challenge myself.

Well, being it was an open ended question, the only response I could think of was my social script, I use — as I’m a hairstylist; so, I adapted my introductory “monologue” (I’ve worked in entertainment since I was a teen), into better fit the environment I was, currently, in.

Well, the trainer said I wasn’t being authentic — because I was basically reading from an internal script (however she worded it, at the time). Other people around her agreed, and I ABSOLUTELY. DID. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

Throughout that training course, I found people would think I wasn’t “doing the work” — because it was a class where people were working through their emotions, and were emotional. I wasn’t there, yet — because I was still processing, everything; and being my energy was zapped, from being around so many emotional people and attempting to process everything, I was very monotoned, minimal emotion. I ended up having to fake much of my emotions, throughout the trainings, to which — wasn’t always believable either (this is why I decided to pursue music over acting).

I had yet to apply the tools to my own life, so, I hadn’t had a chance to analyze how to effectively make them work, in my own life. So, when I continued to the leadership course, I was rather disconnected from the group; as even though I am definitely a people person — I’m always on the outside, observing; if I am not the leader of the group (I am typically the “alpha” female type; where I always do my own thing, will end up with a small group of misfits, that I become the leader of — for a while — until there’s some miscommunication and/or I am feeling like I can not longer connect with the group, any longer. While the more “popular” people [Hollywood was still very much like high school] I’d be cool with some, and their friends would be absolute assholes].

This had such an impact, during the trainings, I was still being seen as “not doing the work” and almost got kicked out. Until two weeks before we graduated, everything just freakin’ CLICKED; and I ended up receiving the nickname Phoenix, because the way I stepped up — a head of everyone else — was an incredible surprise, to the entire team.

I’ve only realized I’m autistic, the last two months; an autistic friend of mine — who I connect with, GREATLY — is the one who recognized it. I’m 33, now; and I took those trainings at 22. Though I fully believed they saved my life, because of the manner I grew up and was programmed to think — the physical result of stress nearly killed me; keeping me bedridden/homebound for nearly the past 7yrs. However, now that I know I am on the autistic spectrum, it’s amazing to have so many questions and guilt — that I’ve had for so long, regarding my entire life, though, especially regarding my experiences going through that training — answered and relieved.