Why Your Partner with Autism Spectrum Disorder Has Difficulty Meeting Your Emotional Needs

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[shantipadme]

I'm committed to a man with a beautiful heart. He has autism, and after years of communicating my needs in different ways, and learning about his needs, we have a very special, loving, and caring relationship. It was hard, but it's possible and definitely worth the effort and patience.

[ptschaffer]

Word for Word! This is my marriage of 31 yrs to my man. Diagnosed only last year, this is definately a daily challange. Never hope for anything other than what has always been...just more challenging as we age. I do know, for sure, that in all ways he possibly can, he'll be here with me & when he can, he'll always be here to help me as long as I can simply state, step by step what I need. Why aren't these things taught in highschool? No one ever tells you about the temporary "falling in love, fog" part of the precious way people are when they fall in love? How that beautiful fog is so blinding to the facts that are obvious to others and totally outside of my ability to have seen. They tried to tell me but I never felt so loved so I didn't listen. I was seen & valued. Now, 30+ yrs later he's amazing! I can trust him not to be unfaithful and trust him that he will NOT bring us home before dark when we're fishing no matter how much he promises he would. Life is good, especially when I let go of my expetations. It can always be worse. 💖

[FinallyFulfilled]

I learned that I couldn’t handle dating someone like this. I was as patient as possible but one argument and I was stonewalled. And it wasn’t even an argument. It was me being direct in communication with what I thought would be a conversation on improving communication between us. It felt as long as I was adjusting “my” needs for someone else—it was fine. I couldn’t request anything. It was a frustrating experience.

[amy]

I’m out. After 15 years I can’t do it anymore. I need emotional support & I need intimacy. It is very difficult being in a one sided marriage.

[yzzilzil]

I really want to learn how to show more affection to people around me, I have ASD but I still feel empathy I just find it difficult to put into words and to show it. I hope that I can learn as many social skills as I can, I don't like making people around me feel invalidated, I want to understand more

[Koorime]

I swear it would be SO hard to have serious discussions with my man. If I started crying, he'd just stare at me like he had no clue what was happening then try to abruptly change the subject by being funny or sometimes just shutting down. He doesn't take criticism very well, however slight it may be. And emotionally it can feel lonely. That said, I know he loves me, he is incredibly smart, kind and really funny. It's communication that requires work, and we've gotten better since we started working together.

[teganwallace]

My now suspected aspie ex actually left me as I was 'too emotional and he just wasn't'. He left me over text and it was written very clinically. He did this whilst at work, then turned his phone off. He messaged later to tell me he was sorting his brakes on his van and that I can meet him in a few days if I have any questions. This was devastating to me. I always suspected he was different and I was always so patient. Yet, he left for ridiculous reasons, like I wanted a cat and he didn't when we were going to move in together. He had a crazy obsession with his independence and would never let me do anything for him. I was snapped at for wanting to do a load of washing for him, for wiping the sides in his kitchen and when I put his red bull in the wrong place in the fridge. Due to this, another reason why he left was his worry that 'it would kill' me to leave him alone if he was in a mood. This was madness to me; all he needed to do was tell me if that's what he needed. I also got told I was controlling as I would pester him to book a doctors appointment about this massive lump on his eye that was there for the entirety of the relationship (being 7 months) and months before that too. I've never experienced trauma like this over a break up before. The issues that were so minute and so easily resolved were dealbreakers. I never turned to him for emotional support. I just knew he wasn't there for it and I always felt crazy for just having feelings. It was hard as I was being evicted, I was worried about losing my animals as a result, I'm also trying to work a part time job and complete a full time degree. Understandably I had a few days where the stress took it's toll on me, but I never expected to be left over it. I got upset when I didn't feel respected when we went to the peak district and he would never wait for me. I would be shouting for him to wait, yet he'd ignore me. He did this for two days and would constantly belittle me as I was so slow and it was 'a child's pace'. I confronted him about it, being obviously upset and i mentioned that he never complimented me, and he completely gaslighted me and deflected my issues. Apparently our issues narrowed down to my insecurites and his independence. I was the issue as I wasn't as confident as his friend who he compared me to and this was all because I didn't feel like he appreciated me and he never expressed that he valued me in anyway, other than ridicule me at chance he could. No wonder I had no confidence left by the time he left...he had the audacity to use that as an excuse to leave me too. He just didn't want to have to make any sort of effort and he was so resentful of me, thinking I was trying to change him, despite me saying that was never the case. Changing behaviour to show respect is completely different to changing a person. I always kept quiet until this final discussion mentioned here and he just didn't like boundaries being set and I think that was truly the reason he left. He didn't like that he was actually in the wrong in some way and he had hurt me, meaning he'd have to change his behaviour or admit his wrongdoings. The easy way out was to leave the day that we were going to message his landlord to see if I could move in with him. Effort for my happiness was too much for him.

It's comforting seeing all these comments as I don't feel so alone or crazy. I definitely have ptsd after everything that's happened, especially when I'd be told speaking to me everyday was a chore and I wasn't independant just because I wanted a quick chat on the phone at the end of the day. But, it seems that I dodged a bullet only being in it for 7 months. I've never felt so uncared for by anyone in my life.

[NoSubtext]

I'm autistic. For me, I lack cognitive empathy. I feel everyone's feelings SO MUCH in my body it's overwhelming, but I cannot understand my husbands perspective. It sucks. I try so hard.

[morgansdoor]

Several years ago, I dated a man I had hard time connecting with. I couldn't pinpoint it at the time but I always felt as though he was different. We were together for about 2 years. During that time, we've never had any long meaningful conversations. As I look back, I wonder if he had AS.

We eventually broke up. I could no longer be in a dating relationship with a man who didn't have the ability to build a strong bond with me on an emotional level. I felt so alone.

I hope he's well.

[alohawhy]

*I have AS but I have both empathy, how I express or respond to is where most of the time I mess up! But practicing makes it work. Although it might come or sound like (insincere) sometimes 😅 my previous training and nature of work also helped me with how I should socialize or respond to situations.*

[victoriazajchowski]

When I went into labour my ex went off to work, leaving me alone all day. He said "call this number if you need anything." It was a first and only child and I was terrified all day by myself. When I needed a d&c after the birth because of a lot of bleeding again he went off to work. I had to drive myself to the hospital. Later (much later) he brought this up as an "amusing" story of the birth of our child. I've only just realized that this is the issue. It makes sense of so much that went on for the 20 years we were together.

[little_miss_vintage]

My boyfriend of 3 years has autism and find the whole thing so frustrating. The biggest problem is communication! I honestly miss being in a relationship where I could have long meaningful conversations with my partner. If I ask him a question the only responses I get 9 times out of 10 is either “I don’t know” or “nothing”. This and him not meeting my emotional needs are why I want out of it

[duckyfromtexas]

I just got out a relationship with someone that has ASD. It was really hard. I was constantly compromising & evolving, which I didn't mind because I truly loved this man. I even went to therapy to improve myself. I did constant reading and researching on relationships with those who have Autism because I truly wanted to understand him and how he functions. In some ways I understood because I have ADHD. He was constantly calling me mean and not nurturing, which was really hurtful because I had always felt these were my strong suits. It felt like he was always nit-picking and trying to fight. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Oddly enough, he is becoming a therapist so I figured he would be more in tuned to his emotional side. When I told him I loved him and cared about him, his response was, "I don't love you. I just like you." At the end he said he couldn't give me what I needed, even though I was willing to give him what he needed. I just asked for him to try and make me feel cared for. That's it and I thought it was simple, but after listening to you & doing more research, I realized it wasn't as easy as I thought. It felt like it was impossible for him to have any emotion. Probably one of the most heartbreaking things I've been through and probably one the most damaging experience.

[SylviusTheMad]

As an autistic person who has been in failed relationships, allow me to explain.

I will never understand how you feel. Even if you tell me, you lack the ability to describe your emotions in a way I can understand. Your emotions don't make any logical sense, and (from my perspective) they appear to lack object permanence: Your emotions one day might directly contradict your emotions in a relevantly similar context the next. And if I ask you to explain precisely how you felt the previous day and why, you probably can't tell me. You could make something up, but you don't actually remember the logical underpinnings of your emotions, because that's not how your emotions work.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't simply appear uninterested in your emotional state; I am uninterested in your emotional state, because I cannot perceive it. Nor can you perceive mine. If ever you think you are reading my body language or tone to determine how I feel, you're wrong. You're merely projecting how you would feel if those were your behaviours. That's how you do it with other neurotypicals, but since you're all relevantly similar to each other, that projection produces the right answer.

Ask yourself this: Why do you expect me to be able to tell how you feel? Have I ever given you that impression? Or did you simply assume I could because "everyone" can?

Do I have emotions? Yes. They happen inside my head, and they may not produce visible effects outside my head. Why would they? My emotions have no relevance outside my head.

[inadifferentdimension]

As an NT wife, I don’t doubt my neurodiverse spouse feels empathy. Nevertheless, I fail to feel that empathy, especially when I need it the most. I even drafted a list of what needs to be done to comfort in times of distress: hold my hand, hug me, tell me it’s going to be okay. However, even if I hand this to do list in my moments of distress, those actions were hardly ever taken. If taken, they felt robotic and forced. I stopped expecting emotional support from my spouse, I am comforted by my dogs and friends. My spouse and I might as well live in parallel universes, effort for connection and effort feels (and underscore the world feels) unilateral.

I have no doubt that different people living under the umbrella of autism have different degrees of feeling and expressing empathy.

In my humble opinion, the NT spouses who seek information on YouTube and anywhere are those who feel desperately deeply impacted by the failure in communication with their neurodiverse spouse.

I always tell my spouse that I don’t understand how they fell but that I believe them. However, I don’t feel that my spouse believes me when I express my pain. In my case, their strategy seems to be averting eyes from me and quickly dissociating.

You may wonder if I ever expressed my emotional needs: I did so, repeatedly, in all manners I could think of. Some got consideration for a while, but all have been eventually forgotten. I changed tactics and I asked what do I need to do to make things better and got vague responses such as we need to understand each other better. I asked for a specific action I could take: hold them, hug them, leave the alone. I have not received any actionable response.

Is there a point to expect things are going to change anytime soon? Every now and again, ( every 3-6 month), my spouse will acknowledge my efforts but so far, these acknowledgments are short lived. My spouse quickly returns to their routine. Rinse and repeat.

That is not to say that NTs are perfect. I am aware of my shortcomings and wiling to do the work on me, I’ve been in therapy for 2 years.

Nevertheless, it breaks my heart to say this: I feel unloved and unwanted. I am often blamed, threatened with divorce, and abandoned for days with no explanation.

You may ask why do I stay in this situation that feels emotionally abusive. I stay because my spouse has not held a job in 2 years, has been abandoned by the majority of their family, has health insurance based on our marriage, and has one geriatric dog.

I stay because I feel that they may become homeless if I walk out on them. I stay because I don’t want to abandon them like almost everyone else did.

I am not trying to say I am a hero, because I’m certainly not. I just can’t live with the fact that my spouse may be homeless or attempt suicide as they did twice already. I feel emotionally trapped.

My spouse is receiving therapy & EMDR: it’s not completely hopeless but I have little hope that things are going to get somewhat normal.

I am not perfect but I’m doing the best I can, and it is never enough. So, this is how I feel things are going as my spouse has checked out for the past 24 hours. Meanwhile, all the housework, chores, bills, insurance, shopping, ***everything*** is on me exclusively while my spouse is in the other room laying in bed glued to their phone.

I have reached out yesterday and got rejected. Looks like another week of more of being canceled.

In the beginning, being canceled felt awful but now I enjoy that. I can do what I want and be who I am. I don’t have to walk on egg shells for a few days. And that’s okay with me. I am not provoking them but I accept them and do the best I can.
I have reached out to multiple therapist who specialize in autism hoping for spouse counseling and strategies. I hope that I can find one who can help.

That being said, this is my story. I am sure it would be useful to hear my spouse’s story to have a better idea of what is going on in this relationship.

Other people may have wonderful experiences living with a neurodiverse spouse.

To the Aspies: I am sure you are wonderful people & I know my spouse is a well meaning and good person. I can’t imagine having the struggle of reconciling relationships with NTs. Many of you are extraordinarily gifted and have gifted the world with wonderful works and inventions. I hope I did not offend you, and if I did, I apologize, I did not mean it.

To NTs: I know that neurodiverse relationship la can be very fulfilling. Please don’t let my account dampen your hopes. I hope you calibrate your expectations realistically and do the best you can for your neurodiverse partner. However, please keep in mind that you deserve have a good life and that sometimes walking away will allow you and your neurodiverse partner the opportunity to find a better suited life partner.

[Ordinary_NPC]

My girlfriend has autism and I’m trying to do my best to learn how to be supportive and help her in life. Thank you for video!

[ThePoohbut]

Difficulty! Difficulty!! He does not meet my emotional needs. I have to tell him to hug me. I told him I wanted him to hug me without being told. He did it once. It was probably an accident.

[michelleberger]

My daughter is an aspie and she is caring and wonderful. Last year I had a brain aneuysum and she looked after me. At a very young age I taught her to be a good hostess to her friends and she watched me take care of my neighbor and other people. We focused on helping others while she grew up. Now she helps her other aspie friends out all the time. With that said she is not interested in being in a relationship or having kids. One day she will live with her blind friend in our house that we share together. My secret in raising a loving aspie was I pushed my needs onto her since I have fibromyalgia. We had to work as a team. It was not just about her and her needs growing up. Somethings took a long time to sink in but I stuck with it no matter what until she changed and gave in to me. I never got preachy either. I stayed positive and she got spoiled with fun activities with friends. I used alot of patience and reintroduced things to her. My daughter was alot of work and a full time job but now at 24 years old she is a wonderful human being who knows her limits which is most important and uses good judgement. We love our life together and the people in it.

[empath]

I have been apart from my ex husband for two years and I still refer to this material because I’m deeply broken. Thank you for this information and for reminding us survivors that we are not needy or crazy, but people who deserve love and reciprocity.

[djpatt]

I am autistic when trying understand connections I easily go into burnout the worse thing is a partner constantly needing attention I have to rest a lot do to sensory overload and headaches constantly.