Esther Perel Explains Why Your Partner Criticizes You

Behind every criticism is a wish. If I say “I wish,” I have to put myself out there. It means I want something and I can be refused. I can be rejected. I can be not heard. And in a relationship that is not secure, I will defend against that. I don’t want to show you that side of me. So instead of saying what I want, I’ll say what you didn’t do. That’s the criticism. What you didn’t do and what’s wrong with you is safer, in some bizarre way, than to tell you what is special about me and what I would’ve wanted.

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ABOUT ESTHER PEREL

Between her best-selling books, her TED talks (which have been viewed nearly 30 million times,) and her award-winning podcasts, Esther’s simple, yet insightful advice is positively impacting millions of people all over the globe from the bedroom to the boardroom. (Her new podcast series How’s Work? shifts her expertise from couples, to the stressors, conflicts and ever-changing dynamics of the workplace.)

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ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE PROJECT

Like the mentor you’ve always dreamed of having, The Knowledge Project shares timely yet timeless lessons for work and life. Past guests include Naval Ravikant, Daniel Kahneman, Jim Collins, Angela Duckworth, Seth Godin, Melanie Mitchell, & Esther Perel.

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FOLLOW

[yellowisme]

Wow the ending. A protection against being hurt is to criticise the other person. Wow wow wow

[AmillieX-temh]

This hit me like a ton of bricks and I never knew why I was being critical. Makes me want to cry to be honest but now I know how to communicate what I'm really feeling and make a change

[livelifelovelife]

Some people really lack self worth because of how they are raised as a child….

[simoncourt]

I'm a grown man constantly treated like a child. I can't breath until on my own. Constantly bossed around. I have to hear everyone else's day but no one wants to hear about mine.

[Ghostmaker]

Insightful. Passive aggressive conflict avoidance. I saw it with my mother and father and to some extent do this myself

[jahnabidas]

I cannot believe how you could break down every part of it so nicely that it resonated with my feelings. In this era we are ashamed of putting ourselves down to ask for something. That makes us feel fragile. But we act strong and we fake it

[oilmama]

This is exactly how I interpret this behavior too. So many want to scream narcissist and abuser, and yes, the oppressor is using their narcissist traits, traits we all have...but deeper than pointing a finger at them is asking the question WHY they are behaving like that. This woman GETS IT. They are hurting and need reassurance and don't know how to express what they're feeling. I love that she's pinpointed it to feelings of not being worthy, not being loveable and not feeling good enough to be loved by you. I can better address my partner now. When he starts criticizing, I'm going to gently but firmly start saying "you are worthy, you are loveable, you are good enough, I love you" and see what happens over time. If I remember this post, I'll come back to give an update.

[ren-chats]

Sir, you are 100% correct. Someone constantly criticizing another is abusive.

[taliazane]

This totally worked.
He criticised me about something petty and small, we had a fight. After this video I came back with "what are you really upset about? You know I care about you and believe you're the right man for me. We can talk when I get home in an hour"
Jesus it opened the door to a boatload of hidden emotions for him to talk to me about.
Had nothing to do with the petty criticisms.

[thealohamu]

Remember a relationship holds values because it benefits both. So speaking up for oneself even via criticism is a necessary (especially with avoidant attachment as they really do no do well with confrontation) and benefits both partners especially is equality is a value.

[BakerClan]

I deal with this with my family. I will ask them to do something multiple times and they don’t. Instead of complaining I just avoid them and they will ask me what the problem is (noticing my distance) and when I tell them… they gaslight me and pretend like the problem is somewhere else. So it forces me to want to distance myself from them more, always feeling misunderstood when I am the main one communicating what I want or need yet never having enough words or explanation to get them to see my point of view.

[lbar]

I validate my partner all the time, and if he forgets things, I still tell him that it's okay, and he STILL blames me for things... so what is his wish that I'm not supporting?? I don't know that I agree with this explanation. I do believe that not every coat can be made from every cloth.... meaning this analogy doesn't fil every man/women!

[beetdapayne]

Broken people behave that way. To make excuses and not acknowledge what’s really going on and to get along is not the answer. Until the person who is criticizing get healed from the trauma that they’ve been through before getting into any relationship, the relationship will be very different.

[NatashaVincent]

Mentioning Esther Perel in the title might get this video more, and well-deserved, views. Great topic 👍🏿

[carjhb]

My whole life will be better if I can learn to share what is special about me and what I want/need instead of what I wish you had done. I thank you <3

[jamesbleck]

I think Esther is not considering how selfish the person criticizing may be. Yes a protective device to avoid looking at your own flaws of a lack of empathy.

[LateralThinkerer]

This is a lovely idea and has a place in thinking through a disagreement, but neglects the too-frequent reality of ongoing criticism and verbal abuse by those who are simply seeking a pretext and a target.

[stephaniefortney]

Thank you for sharing this, it’s Powerful….one’s lack of Self Worth, A protection device, Wow and what someone is actually feeling….incredible Insight… your knowledge is Appreciated very much, Grateful 🙏

[spencerclarke]

Some people just cant handle hard facts when someone is being open and honest some people have standards unconditional love is bs thats how you lose yourself self love self respect is first you cant make people respect you sometimes we confuse it with being courtesy

[axiomaddict]

Esther Perel is the single most insightful and pragmatic relationship mechanic out there that I know of.