The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.

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[helvidia]

"the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another" that is the key!

[misery]

Went to the cinema with my boyfriend the other week. The lady at the cashier had her first day and messed a few things up. She panicked and apologized over and over again. He told her to calm down, that it's totally fine and that she's doing an awesome job. Then he made jokes about his first day at work. I love him even more in moments like these.

[beniciosgirl]

This woman constantly floors me with her eloquence and insight.

[cambriatevis]

What I got from this: when desire leaves a long term relationship it is because one feels responsible for the other and is willing to give up their desire for connectedness. To fix this the other must let go of the one and let them know that you are still going to be there when they come back. Ask yourself "When do I turn myself off?" and "When do I turn myself on?" Communicate these answers with each other and use it to foreplay every minute of your day.

[japikolee]

What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with who you are in order to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion, if you are fulfilled in other field than love, you will give yourselves, and at the same time - each other - space to pursue that. Hence all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness, great turn-on when seeing each other being yourselves. Sure, I simplified it, but if you get individual happiness, your chances to be happy in a relationship and in bed are so much greater.

[tinyhuong]

When you are single AF and you still keep watching about relationship things.

[r.e.tucker]

Married 42 years. In every video of hers I have watched, she's been brilliant.

[sasha_nivar]

This talk has lived in my DNA since I first saw it. It has been one of the strongest guides to my decision making and it has unequivocally changed my life for the better. For those and many other reasons Im grateful for Esther for her Interest energy and effort in collecting her research and Ted for giving her a platform to speak and share this powerful message

[WilfridaMacharia]

Mystery it doesn't mean always going to different places its looking at the same thing through different eyes...best fact from this Esther Perel.

[jinxieunlucky]

Every time I scroll through the comments on this talk, there are always so many people who had something click in their mind and it resonates with them. Esther is an amazing speaker and it's so rare to see such a positive response to a TED talk on youtube. I came across this talk a few years ago, and it really helped shape my understanding of relationships. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, and any time I felt like that desire was waning I thought about why I was turning myself off, and being able to have that inward reflection rather than trying to figure out what my partner "wasn't giving me" made such a huge difference in how we would get over a rut. I feel like every couple should watch this talk.

[panscentralexpresspresents]

I've always had this nostalgic feeling about my husband, like when i look at him, its home, its my best friend, its this person i know, but i also feel simultaneously Like im looking at a stranger, who i could never even begin to know... I think that is the fine line you must dance upon, when you realize that you can never truly know any one, you can't hear their thoughts for sure, you can't even be one hundred percent sure they aren't lying to you. Whose to say any one has ever told the truth? we just dont know.... Well when you realize that... if you can let go of it, like release all stress that comes from that ultimate truth... No fear, or insecurity, paranoia or jealousy. You accept them for what you think they are, but they are mysterious because you dont know, factually what your dealing with when it comes to other human beings, and theres a huge illusion of "familiarity" or "knowingness".... You play with that illusion, of "knowing who some one is" and you feel at home... But you know you will never know them, so you play with that illusion, to be interested, to want to know, to want to learn the mysteries of this other person... And you get to know some things about them, and that makes the connection, and that feeds the desire for But your always longing for more, because you know, deep down, You'll never really know him, or understand him... You'll never be him, so you can just play this illusion to get as close as you can, because whats unattainable is always desirable

[cammyminott]

When you can captivate a room of younger, middle age and older people who identify and/or at the very least, attempt to digest what you are saying, you know you are onto something powerful. Thank you, Esther ❤

[debblank]

On our 51st Valentine's Day, I can attest to the truth of this presentation. Excellent words to live by.

[sethpeters]

Radiant and confident while in your element - this is where the majority of people I know have attracted their mates. This is why when you focus on doing your own thing and not on relying on other people for your happiness, you find "the one". How quickly we forget this..

[pedrosantiago]

This is hands down the best Ted Talk I've ever viewed, almost 9 years later and I can still learn from this. Thank you.

[blackdome]

Wow. What especially struck me was her explaining in what situations people feel drawn to their partner.
My partner is very passionate over text and when I visit them, something that is not as prevelent in me.
But when I see them perform, talk about a passion project and just express so much of their energy, I feel such pure happiness inside myself

[GininaPulcinella]

This woman is so brilliant. Probably the best speaker I have ever seen at a Ted Talk.

[SpeedLimit]

The part about being most drawn to your partner when they're doing what their passionate about... I totally get that.

[cheerfulsox]

honestly, one of my favourite ted talks or at least the one I go back to the most. so many powerful, genuine and inspiring messages, you can really feel how she devoted her career with the purpose of helping people navigate their relationships. love the village metaphor too, think about it a lot if we're not expecting too much from just one person.

[McFraneth]

I love watching my partner from a distance. I fall back and just watch him. I love the curve of his jaw and the nape of his neck. I love seeing him laughing with others. I feel proud of him.