The Problem with Modern Love

It seems like there is only one thing everyone can agree on at the moment - there is something wrong with modern love. Though people may disagree with exactly what it is or what the solutions might be, no one is happy, and everyone has a bone to pick. So I hope you'll join me in exploring the philosophy behind the problem with modern love.

LINKS AND CORRECTIONS

00:00 The State of Love
02:36 The Terrifying Power of Love
08:28 Lofty Expectations
14:59 The Cult of Eros
22:02 The Mysteries of Compatibility
27:45 The Aesthetic Stage of Love
33:24 The Terror of Beauty
39:30 The Expectation of Self-Love
46:07 Dissonance and Harmony
53:05 Romantic Nihilism

[artsnbooks]

Because people now are increasingly treating intimacy and emotional connection as products that can be consumed, rather than bonds to be nurtured.

[bluebutterfly]

I believe the reason why people say love is meant to be "easy" is because you do the things you do *because* you love them. You work hard, you make compromises, you pay attention, you understand-- not because those things are inherently easy, but because you love them so much, these things come naturally

[oldlady]

My parents were real soulmates. They met at a party one night and my dad immediately knew my mom was the one. He did everything he could to see her again and was about to give up and then found out that he had been living in the apartment over the shop where she worked the whole time. The two of them grew closer and within three months they went off and eloped together. They had two kids, me and my sister and we were definitely problem children, but somehow they rarely fought. They were married for 22 years before my mom died. That was the first time I ever saw my dad cry.

Needless to say my standards for love are astronomical, and my parents are wholly to blame.

[Limmonia]

When i met my current partner i did not plan to date. Burned by my previous relationship of 3 years i just wanted to be alone. So when he showed interest i tried to scare him away by putting all of me on the table.
During our first date i told him i wanted to someday have a house, kids, two dogs and be married and if he didnt want that not to bother with me. I never want a situationship. I told him major parts of my medical history and mentioned things i am insecure about and things people have said are difficult for them to deal with when with me.
Surprisingly he stayed.
I am now in the healthiest, happiest relationship i have ever felt. Being loved by a person for me and not what they want me to be like.
In doing the things society tells me not to do when getting to know a potential partner i found a relationship that is honest and a partner with which communication is a pillar of our relationship

[yuri-sama.questionmark]

That feeling when you seek for love because you think it will comfort you, but it's actually the reason why you're aching in the first place.

[Iammarcmalone]

I had a soulmate, my wife, she died last year of cancer, now widowed at 32 with 3 children 3 and under (when she died). I can honestly say this soulmate connection depicted, is how it really was from the moment I met her.

The Love was so great in fact, that I would do it all over again, including the tormenting & horrendous pain that was me taking care of her as she died of cancer, and accelerated after she died.

That being said, a wonderful Love can exist outside of a soulmate, in friends and family as well as more grounded romance, and for most, that's probably preferable. Because losing a soulmate is the most crushing loss one can endure in the mortal coil. So be grateful for whatever Love you get. You'll attract the right kind of Love in whatever relationship type, by being 100% Authentically yourself.

[fvardona]

Answering the title of the video: the problem is that modern love is not love, is relationship consumerism a totally different thing than actual love. The main drive of having a romantic relationship nowadays is not to build connections and a legacy together, is about what can the other part provide me that may benefit my own personal agendas and ambitions and thats it.

[maksymiliank]

This is like a compilation of all of my shower thoughts but more organized and less contradictory. I might be better equipped to win an argument against the shampoo bottles now.

[jojoi]

The problem nowadays is that people treat love and relationships as a game. There's a lot of rules and mind games involved, it's like a transaction.

[TheSpicyLeg]

My father-in-law jokingly says that it is very fortunate God made young men and women stupidly fall in love, or else our rational brains would see our species ended. More seriously, I don’t think love has ever been as misunderstood as it is today. Our ancestors had a much greater understanding of love, which we merely equivocate with lust and sexual desire, or unhealthy infatuation.

My kids will sometimes ask me how I knew I loved their mother, how I could tell she loved me. I always tell them the story of how I forgot my lunch at home in the middle of summer when I was working an hour and half away. I mentioned it in passing in a phone call with her at my break, and when lunch break came I went to my car and she was parked there. She drove all the way with a homemade lunch and cold iced tea. That was when I knew both I loved her and she loved me.

[carlyhamilton]

Here's my analogy: some people think of love as being like a buried treasure, where you just have to find the right thing and then you're set for life with no further effort required. In practice, love is more like a garden, where what you get out of it depends on the time and nurture and skill you put into it.

[Imnotangxla]

I have this unmovable fear of being emotionally hurt by another person, which results in me hurting anyone who dears show romantic interest in me by self-sabotaging. When they get too close, there’s like a voice in my head that’s flashing memories of a time that I was alone and happy. Im afraid I’ll never be emotional mature enough to romantically love.

[sincerelybells_]

"they only like me [...] because they haven't discovered that I am secretly an ugly repulsive goblin." 44:45
Nail on the head.

[morowenidi]

"slightly less weird looking adult" it's almost insulting coming from such a handsome guy

[tatersalad]

My friends ask a lot how my gf and I are in such a healthy relationship. I don't think it's that complicated: don't treat your relationship as a game, be honest with each other, value each other's time, treasure your time with each other, and remember that your partner is your best friend (so don't take advantage of that)

[visualsno]

Broke up a few days ago because of incompatibilities. He lied to me about something he was into multiple times. If he just told me the first time we wouldve known much sooner. If you have to hide yourself, theyre not the one. I wish he just let me make that decision longer ago, instead of him trying to cover it up.

[jakariashafin]

People see love too casually these days rather than than a serious commitment it tends to be all about what that other person can provide them than who both of them are and what they can be together.

[CountesssBathory]

bro this video made me ugly cry because I was abandoned as a baby so the lack of love and abandonment issues has followed me into my (almost) 30s. Its heartbreaking

[drvren]

Literally the only ones I've developed a genuine bond of love and connection with are my family, particularly my mom and younger brother. I was practically a second mom to the kid, and he put up with so much of my mental issues and outbursts.
And these bonds I've made with them, they're not well, "rationally" analyzed and easy to explain. The dynamic we have is definitely not fair, but I don't really care and neither do my family members. It took a lot of hard work, sacrifice and genuine dedication, tears to push through and sleepless nights to stand by these bonds I've built with them, but I wouldn't give them up now for anyone in the world. The bonds I've built with them make me feel complete, to put it the best way. And somehow we've built all of this without ever trying to correct or "one up" each other or compete with each other. I know all their little weaknesses, turn offs, anger moments, habits, etc. and they know all of mine.

On one hand, I'm thankful that I've been given the chance to know what real love and heartfelt connection and trust feels like through them. But it also hurts knowing what compared to inside our house, what the world is like out there. It hurts that the unbreakable bonds I've built with mainly my mother and my brother, and knowing they feel the same way back, I'll maybe never be able to build with anyone else in my life. My younger brother is probably the only guy in my life I've developed a sincere bond with, and through essentially raising him he's learned to depend on me a lot. It really breaks me that it's highly likely I may have some romantic relationship out there with another guy, but it won't be built as genuine or as honest as my sibling relationship with my little bro.

[claracatlady]

My problem personally lies in failing to fall in love or be attracted to someone in the first place rather than keeping a relationship alive. And it’s not really about “holding out for better options”, or not having found “the perfect match” but just a general lack of romantic/sexual interest in any particular person. I want love but I haven’t found anyone I want to/am in love with and that makes it feel just so incredibly frustrating. Constantly searching and longing for something and never feeling it, not even “not finding the perfect version of it” but not finding ANY version of it (romantic love that is not love period) What point is there to my willingness to work on myself and the other person and a relationship, when I never even get in a relationship because I can’t get past the point of being interested in someone? It’s driving me insane