🔥your 'real' trauma personality?

This video describes a common trauma personality (what we just think is our "real" selves which is most often a combo of hyper-vigilance and hyper-empathy) created as a result of varying degrees of childhood emotional abuse, neglect and trauma-- at the hands of caregivers who struggled to provide general emotional, relational and behavioral predictability and stability (including issues like boundaries, enmeshment, parentification etc - what I often call "eggshell parents and eggshell partners/relationships.")

There are several signs related to this trauma personality which are described—and then we explore what to do about challenging our nervous system stories we have —as they relate to our patterns of hyper-vigilance and hyper-empathy. "Story follows state."

Research articles:

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[Hummingbird]

I used to say" I'm sorry "all the time at age 16 even when I didn't do anything. At age 4, I ran away a lot and hid all the time until I was 14 . I was the oldest caretaker, raised my 3 siblings / maid . Raging father, narcissistic mother . As an adult my profession is a nurse . This resonates with me so much . I islolate, read, paint and get in nature to recharge my batteries. I really appreciate your work. Thank you so much 💓

[meetandinspire]

"You often have a tendency to isolate when you are really emotional. Being alone is the only time we are not scanning or trying to take care of others."

[Areutherehello]

I said Sorry to everyone for anything. People were always asking me why I was apologizing for the most benign, ridiculous things. I also found myself always trying to "prove" my worthiness to others. It was a bad habit I couldn't shake for over 30 years.
Nowadays, I don't apologize as much unless I actually mess up, and I'm finding that I give less and less of an F of what people think of me.
I am tired of playing small. I am not there yet--I may never fully recover.
But, I am doing better. I find that I'm a bit more flippant about what people think. I even may come across a bit self-centered just because I've always put myself last.
I want and deserve more for myself.

[laraoneal]

TY Kim for addressing all of this in such a sensitive way without minimizing what we are going through. Other ppl covering these topics are often somewhat flippant or minimizing what we’re going through. I guess it’s bc I have a temperament very similar to yours so the way you deliver this knowledge is very appropriate and balanced. I appreciate you so much.

[MaireadPeig]

Spot on. So nice to see / hear that “it’s” actually a pattern: Good to get names, reasons. This is all me.

[thescienceofwellbeinguk]

I constantly feel like I've done something wrong when it comes to my kids. I'm so hyper-vigilant about their comfort, so when they are unhappy, I blame myself 😮. I'm 41, and I still feel unloveable, and I'm still learning how to set boundaries.

Thank you for bringing motherhood into your examples. It really resonates with me and I'm sure many other mothers ❤

[JenRBracy]

My childhood was NEVER about me - was just in the background to 2 immature, alcoholic, parents that emotionally neglected their kids. In adulthood, they continue to do that and I'm the only one that currently speaks to them, although our relationship has become very strained in the past few years. I grew up taking things extremely personally from the way others behaved, became extremely fawning and the caretaker in my relationships, and allowed others to treat me terribly. Now in my mid-40s I have finally started learning how to use my voice and set boundaries, and I'm finally finding my own identity!

[laraoneal]

Hyper empathy can be malignant empathy. I had to learn to curb my empathy. We had to sacrifice our authentic personality in order to perform to accommodate to meet our parents’ expectations. We were there to meet parents needs instead of our parents meeting our needs. To my parents I could do nothing right no matter what I did. It was so hurtful bc I would test things to be better but NOTHING changed. I also became that I just didn’t care anymore bc nothing worked. So as an adult in friendships and dating I just would do the minimum. I transferred my reactions to my parents to everyone. If people didn’t like it I just wouldn’t care. Long story. I’ve been perceived by people that I’m cold and noncaring ., some of that is just bc it’s all just exhausting dealing with people for my reasons or theirs. I have thought bc of my research and a long recovery process I’ve doubled down on taking care of my health. Also the ppl who get sick are the ppl who never address their family of origin dynamics. I’ve been revealing out loud in recovery support groups, seminars etc all of the childhood trauma I’ve been through.

[artistatheart]

Wow this really hits home. Raised in eggshell home environment with my mom and complete opposite spectrum from my dad. Then 26 year eggshell marriage. I am hyper vigilant and hyper empathy. Put everyone else first and don’t take care of myself. People pleaser, caretaker of everyone else. Thank you for this video. I need to work on these things.

[elzanneshepperson]

Wow ... this caused me to have an "aha!" moment. Now I understand certain things about me ...

[petrafenijn]

Spot on, thank you so much for sharing.
(I am even insecure how to react here, may be I say the wrong thing and everybody gets Hurt by me .:()

[nicholasyeow]

I recently realized i eat really quicky but throughout my whole life i havent put much thought into it and just thought that its normal. Then recently someone pointed out it seems like im not even breathing when eating. So i decided to pay attention to my eating habits more and realized that my body actually goes on stress mode when there is food around. I think it has to do with growing up in a school that had short lunch periods and stressing out to finish it quickly especially when stuck in a long queue as well as my physically abusive father who used to come home around dinner time with a bad mood and usually take it out on me, so i rushed my eating so i could escape the dinner table. I am away from all of that now but it seems like my body still remembers.

[GratitudeandGrace]

All these aspects resonate deeply for me!!! Thankyou …..Im trying so hard to figure out who I am and why I always attract emotionally unavailable partners!!! Focusing on self love. I know my worth and life is too short to accept anything less than i deserve! Seeing things for what they are and changing my patterns and really trying to be myself authentically ❤️

[starflower]

I remember reading my mother when I was very little. I could always tell if she was upset by telling her I loved her and if she responded kindly, I knew she wasn’t upset with me; but if she got snappy or just refused to respond, I knew I had upset or angered her. She would always make me guess. It was frustrating and always made me walk on eggshells.

I never felt safe with her the way I should have. I finally received enough counseling that l learned to set boundaries with her as an adult. I also stood up to her at age 48 when she was spinning a narrative that wasn’t correct and was extremely hurtful and I shocked her when I said that’s how you feel about yourself and you need to feel with those feelings from your own childhood and stop projecting them onto me.

It took a little while, but it changed our relationship for the better. We still had a few rocky times, but she also knew after that I was not afraid to stand up to her.

She passed away in Dec. 2022 and thankfully we had gotten to a really good place at the end.

Now if I can navigate finding a partner who doesn’t trigger me constantly, I will be a lot better. I am still struggling with that.

[kimberleepike]

This reminds me of the self-sabotage why we put ourselves into relationships with the people who are just like the people we grew up with. I just recognized that I am exactly in that and I don't know how to get out of it men are the most important, women will never be equal, and I will never be able to be my true self and completely happy because it would upset the balance. It's people pleasing on topof utilizing the hyper empathic/vigilance on top of realizing you can never be truly yourself so you will never allow yourself to be truly happy.

[LollieVox]

Oh my gosh what an intelligent & compassionate take on this issue. I’ve lived with this pattern for years, & so do my closest friends!
We are natural caregivers, but we are “making meaning” & I needed to hear this!! Xoxo ❤

[StarGazer-iw]

It is absolutely amazing how the topics you choose to discuss are synchronized with events that have recently or are currently happening in my life. It's like you are psychic! Anyway, a friend called to vent about something that wasn't going right today and I immediately wanted to go and fix the situation for her. She in turn got frustrated with me because she just wanted me to listen not try to fix the situation. Well for me that was very difficult because I have had to fix things my whole life as you described when you are raised in trauma. So just listening and not offering to help is very, very difficult...kind of like holding back the water in a dam with my pinky finger. So I ended the conversation by saying good luck and had to try to regain my composure on my own. Well I don't know if I shared the right kind of story with you but thank you for sharing this very helpful information with us. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that we can't save the world. By the way, have I mentioned how much I am enjoying your videos?!! I learn so much from all of them. Your info on autism is absolutely fascinating, too!! Thank you so much! ❤

[ferminromero]

Resonates here! BPD mother. Eggshell environment. Hyper vigilant and overactive immune system. Nightmares about being falsely accused. Dr. Kim has touched a nerve here. Al Stewart’s song “Running Man” echos the feeling. Thanks for addressing this crucial issue. It’s a good lead for self introspection and personal process.

[Loveheal]

Describing my old self: Automatic hypervigilance and empathy toward everyone and not “knowing this” until I was revictimized and endured the worst trauma of my life. At 48 years old

[flyygurl]

This makes perfect sense; it's mindblowing to learn that hyper-empathy is cultivated in this way ...thank you so much Dr Kim for your work; its is very helpful and enlightening. Your tips at the end are very helpful 🙏 Your videos always give me profound epiphanies