Never Say This to a Trauma Survivor

The Most Credentialed – Preventative Mental Health Care… at your fingertips. Join the millions of people around the world who have helped themselves and are empowered to help others.

#mentalhealth #drramani #shorts #medcircle

[mistermiaumiau]

People don’t just wake up and choose to be abused

[sixthsenseamelia]

"It's about time you got over it".
My mother. On my sons birthday - after he died.

[jfdc]

“You’re exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad“ was much worse for me than ‘why don’t you leave’. Questioning my word and my life experience was exactly what the narcissist did. When therapists did that to me too, I really thought I was crazy.

[debmontana]

Wow. My psychotherapist said that to me soon as I told her my troubled living arrangement. The second visit was why haven’t you left yet. “ well because I’ve nowhere to go and no vehicle to get me there.

[tracyrain]

A colleague, after finding me in a toilet crying, told me I didn't have to stay with him. It took me another 5 months to get away but I did it. Those words were from a woman who had gone through something similar and knew exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't have to stay meant I could leave. Even just realising that was quite overwhelming. God bless you, Debbie.

[philoctetes_wordsworth]

I agree, 100%. It never feels like caring curiosity. It always feels like more criticism. I am so tired of trying to make people understand what is happening here. So tired.

[costelloandlizzievolk]

I’ve had so many people say things like this to me.., ‘why did you date him’, ‘you stayed too long’, ‘how did you get involved with someone like that?’ It’s super blaming and disrespectful, and makes me question the person who said it. Even before I knew about these things, I would never say that to someone going through a hard time. Not ok. Thanks for sharing ❤

[sherischutzen]

It’s why I kept it inside and never shared, that and also because I couldn’t even understand what I was going through.

[tinawhite]

The accurate question for someone that is still in the relationship and obviously under duress is, "What is preventing you from leaving?'. That is a question that can be specifically answered because someone in that situation knows exactly what is preventing them from escaping. That is the question that can allow someone to help that person get to a safe place. It shows an understanding that the situation is serious, that there are, in fact, valid obstacles facing the person, and that help, and support, is desperately needed.

[djnoneofyourbusiness]

Thank you! Many people living in toxic relationships also involves financial ab*se.. they are often unable to leave. It’s either unsafe or not feasible.
My ex was a narcissist- he funneled money out of our account and stiffed our landlord for four months. One day, he went to stay with his cousin for a few weeks- sent me a message saying the relationship was done. I was served with eviction papers the next week for unpaid rent. At 25, I had to start over and live on a friend’s couch for four months. I was left with nothing to my name and whatever belongings I could fit in the back of my car.
Most times, “just leaving” isn’t an option because they’ve manipulated your entire life.

[lissanne]

Wow! This question really is the worst thing to say to someone who has been there. You need to dig deep into your empathy to feel for a traumatized person. I lived this trauma as a child, and into my teenage years, due to an abusive parent. Imagine saying that question to an abused child. Once out it took almost three years to recover from the constant fight or flight feelings. I'm in my sixty's now, and still experience those feelings when the conditions are not good. Thank you Dr Dr. Durvasula for posting this important information.

[petiza]

This question is indeed accusation or blaming the person for their situation 🙄

[danw]

Fearing someone you love is indescribably paralyzing. Even as a man. I had no idea till I experienced it myself.

[freebgloria]

And don’t assume they can just “get out” of their situation it takes time and effort in doing so. Things are not always as easy and bright as it looks

[CuratedVibes]

I'm grateful that his family bought me a flight to leave. They picked me up at 4am to sneak me to the airport while he was sleep. He woke up and found out that I was gone. He was devastated that his family helped me but they saw him verbally abusing me and knew I was ready to go. I'm happy I left and haven't talked him him since 2019.

[angelaallen]

Yes Doctor I went through Domestic violence nine years ago, they were putting on a beautiful morning tea and walk and talk against Domestic violence, there was this old lady volunteering she hands me food and says why didn't you just leave, the average time it takes is seven times before you finally fully get away, thank you so much for that 💙, I had to explain it, still have ptsd nine years later and anxiety, at the time I was shocked and taken aback when she said it at the time, God bless you for saying that⚘

[kimmiddleton]

I got asked this sooo much!! What would have helped more would have been to have been shown that I was worthy of so much more. It would have given me the awareness and strength to leave earlier

[ampoo]

I was pinched down on a bed forcefully with my hands held behind my back by my ex when we were arguing. He held me down the bed with his weight while screaming calm down, I won't let you go untill you've calmed down. After that it left me speechless bc we were never violent with each other. When I took it upp a while later he said that he doesn't remember doing such thing. I guess in a heated argument things could explode. He may have snapped bc our fights got more frequent. Anyway I finally came out and told his mother randomly when we were out eating and she said "he did?" then she said "but why didn't you leave " with no expression in her face like it was my fault for staying and not his fault for doing that to me.

[izawaniek]

Never ask that question to a surviver. The most disrespectful question to ask a surviver is: Why don’t you leave? It is so very true. Thank you.

[WiltonRomulus]

I was trying to tell my mom I was hurting and instead of assurance, I got a CVS receipt of my flaws. Priceless.😐