Why the 'Cry it Out' Method Harms Babies | Erica Komisar, LCSW

Often times, we as parents just want a little peace and quiet, especially at night. However, our babies aren't programmed to take this into account.

Although we are tempted (and told) to let them "cry it out", we shouldn't.

In this video, I explain why soothing a crying baby, especially at night, is especially important and why not all silence is good silence.

The book, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In The First Three Years Matters, has received utmost praise, especially by those in the field. Thomas McInerny MD, FAAP, Past-President of the American Academy of Pediatrics called it "Timely and much needed and should be read not only by current and prospective mothers, but also current and prospective fathers, those who care for young children in a variety of settings, including child care workers, pediatricians, nurse practitioners, psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers, policy makers, and elected officials.”

[azanzarachel]

Babies are not small adults. It’s important to have realistic expectations of them.

[redblack]

I'm a Pakistani & this would be considered extreme form of child abuse in our society if anyone got to know people do this to their infants. There's literally no concept of putting infants to sleep in separate room. Let alone let them cry. We never let infants cry.

[rahbid]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my family members advising me to let my baby cry and not mollie cuddle him. But my heart never allows me to let him cry, as I know his only way of communication is through crying. They don’t cry out of spite, but because they have no choice.

[MissSchnickfitzel]

My mom tells me that she let me cry as a baby and i cant bring myself to tell her this might be a part of the reason i have emotional issues and issues showing love...
I also have high anxiety and struggle a lot with stress!!! Its awful

[hanaanharith]

I am astounded that mothers leave their babies to cry, when all they want is warmth and attachment.
And yet these same mums dont sleep alone ?? So if you can't sleep alone as an adult how is a dependent developing baby suppose to?? They need warmth and a sense of safety for these early years so much more than an adult.

[sonnetmorrison]

Now we know why this generation has so much depression and anxiety

[sarahadams]

I loved your book "Being There" and I loved this video - you helped to confirm my decisions not to sleep train either of our children. With both of them we tried 1-2 nights of it and then realized we just couldn't justify it to ourselves - we ended up bed sharing with both of them and while our sleep certainly doesn't look anything like what it did before kids we do find that we get more rest overall and we know that our babies needs are being met and they know they are loved and safe. Our 2 year old daughter transitioned to her own bed in her own room when her brother was born without any issue and I think she was able to do that because we had met her night needs until the point where she was independent.

[HismerciesareneweveryAM]

Many, many parents I know use CIO, and I think that adults think of it from a mature adult's POV and apply it to the infant's situation. An infant is not capable of understanding why the parent isn't coming to comfort them, so it makes perfect sense why going silent means they are "giving up" rather than thinking "oh, my manipulative crying is not working so I'd better be mature and go to sleep like I've been told to do." An infant isn't capable of logically thinking like that. An older child can understand why they can't get out of their room at night 10 times, but a baby is still learning about the world and cause-and-effect. Thank you for sharing this important information and going against cultural norms even when it is not popular!

[kittyschmitty]

And my mom wondered why I never told her when I was sick and instead cried silently in my room.

[elissa]

My mum did the CIO method. We have a wonderful relationship. She shows me every day how much she loves me. I get the safest feeling around her. I know that nothing will ever change her immense love towards me.

[MrDoggiepoop]

Kinda of late to the show here, but: I often try to look at what is best based on evolution. As in, what method did we evolve using? In this case cribs and separate rooms for the baby to sleep in are relatively new. I believe the first crib came around in the 19th century? Before recent times families were not wealthy enough or had the space for the baby to sleep separate from them. It would seem we evolved having our babies close to us at all times, even during sleep. Hell, there was a long stretch of time where having a baby cry for extended periods was downright dangerous to attracting predators (both animal and human). Now that we have the wealth and square footage to allow babies to sleep by themselves, is that right? A question I don't know the answer to but I tend to favor the method we evolved using.

[mediocrefloridaman]

My daughter is just 7 months and I don't want to harm her, psychologically, long term by following methods that have been deemed socially correct. I want what's best for my daughter, long term, and this video has given me reason to believe that crying it out is NOT the best method. My wife and I will nurture and comfort our daughter, not ignore her.

[FirstNameLastName-okayyoutube]

How was the testing for the emotional Detachment made?

[IslanderT]

I have always felt crying it out was wrong since I was a kid and every adult around me told me it was fine for my younger cousins to be crying. I knew my intuition was correct. I hated the feeling that I was not cared about and I never knew where it came from. this mentality goes beyond just sleep and it hits deep in the emotional psychology of the child. They might seem fine now... But as they grow there will be things they might not ever tell you were wrong.

[vicakolozsvari]

I try to sleep train my 7 month old and I don’t let him cry because it breaks my heart. A little noise is alright. I think we all know when they need us. A few times he was upset when he didn’t get to fall asleep in my arms being breastfed but then a little singing and cuddling or bouncing helped him. Usually I have to go back and comfort him 3-4 times or more before he falls asleep. Obviously it’s not working every single time because babies have bad days too. So I also don’t think I mustn’t breastfeed him to sleep at certain times. I don’t care if these methods advise me to be consistent. My baby had a routine since he was born and now I want him to have another one. It’s not going to happen as soon as I decided to change it. They don’t come with the ability to fall asleep independently so we have to help and teach them with lots of patience. My baby is happy and I can see he improved a lot so I keep using my own method.

[brittanycalhoun]

I dont let my baby cry and i respond to her cues right away. Shes almost 6 months old and sleeps from 7-8 pm all through the night til 6-8 am

[Joyjoygamesforkids]

What a breath of fresh air to have someone educated who uses information from tangible studies. Sleep training is a massive money maker guaranteed to get results, so people generally side with it. They get defensive because it goes against what they did and to accept that it is a negative thing is to admit something was done terribly wrong - which no parent wants to do.

[kinseyjohnson]

So what is the suggestion for a mom whose baby wont sleep more than 40 minutes without being held amd nursed? My second son is 14 months and i am at my end of being able to do this. My first was the same way and I cannot keep being sleep deprived. I have been holding my son to sleep all night the last 6 weeks just to "survive". My tailbone and middle back are hurting me terribly and i am getting really hopeless. My older son had some gentle sleep training with me feeling very uneased about it at 15 months but I was pregnant and at my end. i dont think my current toddler is ready or going to respond well. I need help! I am going through treatment for babesia and likely lyme when i get my results back but aside form that i am feeling hopeless and constantly panicked without sleep

[nadiafarag]

Wow so glad I saw this in time! Thank you so much

[ericakane]

The old school way is to allow the baby to cry it out. I use to hate when older people would tell me to let my babies cry it out. I stopped listening to them because it didn’t feel right to let my babies cry for long periods of time. Thanks for the video!