Breaking Through the Narcissist's Indifference by Becoming a Psychopath

The narcissist has 3 essential demands from his partner and companion, 3 Ss: Sex, Supply, Services. If she provides any 2 of these 3, he is pacified and ignores her: she is a captive and he is indifferent to her emotions, needs, and wishes. He takes her silent, acquiescing presence in his life for granted: an inert, lifeless, and objectified or even mummified fixture. The narcissist acts similarly towards a frustrating partner who provides only 1 or none of the 3 Ss: by withdrawing and disinvesting, absenting himself and cutting off all meaningful communication.

In both cases, the narcissist reacts with extreme abuse and rejection to any attempt to invade or control his personal space or time. To attract his attention and gain access to him, the partner needs to escalate, dramatize, render unpredictable, and exaggerate her behaviors.

Many partners react to this apathetic negation of their being by self-trashing (for example: by drinking to oblivion and having unprotected sex with a lowlife stranger, falling into bad company, self-harming with drugs or otherwise, or by engaging in other reckless and self-destructive behaviors)

The aim of these maneuvers is to communicate distress: "By ignoring and rejecting me, you are hurting me so much that I want to destroy myself. I hope the pain I am causing you now will be sufficiently potent to pierce the veil, to make you care about me, to penetrate your formidable firewall and stupor"

Usually, only the threat of abandonment or actual loss can convey this harrowing and heartbreaking message. Overt, ostentatious, purposeful and weaponized cheating is the sole way open to the partner to get through to the neglectful and oblivious other.

Ironically, this escalated cry for help is rarely restorative and often irrevocably terminal and destructive: it dooms the relationship. Half measures like triangulation are useless: all out egregious in your face infidelity is the only efficacious wake up call. But it is a last hurrah.

Scholars like Cleckley and Karpman have noted 80 years ago that misandry and misogyny coupled with a profound and abiding fear of intimacy result in psychopathic (antisocial) behaviors in adulthood. L

Such people form "intimate" relationships that are anything but: they are impersonal, dysempathic, transient, objectified, emotionless, noncommittal, defiant, defensive, entitled, and founded on destructive envious competition, deceit, contumacious counterdependency, and self-defeating recklessness. The parties are loth to share or to disclose vulnerabilities in such adversarial settings.

It is small wonder that as our civilization becomes more and more narcissistic, both men and women adopt and emulate grandiose psychopathic males as role models, gurus, and guiding lights.

But in a feat of reverse mental engineering, this paradigm change also entails a surge in inter-gender conflict and hatred: both misogyny and misandry are off the charts. The genders get together either to have casual, meaningless sex - or to tear each other down triumphantly and abusively, also via rejection, withholding, and hurtful extreme misconduct and betrayals.

Abuse in Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths

[ednao.n]

Those knocking on the narcissist's door again and again to find some empathy or true connection must understand that there is NOBODY HOME.

[petalparker]

I turned into someone I did not recognize or like under his reign of indifference. Trapped desperate, damned if I tried damned if I did nothing.

[looslaura]

This is why I discovered my ex was a narcissist because he stopped sharing anything personal and never cared to learn about me in any way

[wattlebough]

Moral of the story: keep your eyes open for the red flags and avoid the train wreck. We can't afford to enter relationships naively in this age. The key traits of a Narcissist are similar to the psychopath:

Charming, charismatic, presenting confidently, entertaining to be around and often witty- they can make you feel great about yourself. When you feel yourself being swept off your feet by a person's charm, this is your first red flag. Hold up and check yourself. There are things you're missing that are important.

Watch for even subtle signs of:

Entitlement

Exploitative tendencies (You'll be doing favours for them because they make you feel so good about yourself you'll be jumping to say yes- check yourself. This is another red flag.)

The rules don't apply to them.

They will be studying you to work out what makes you tick, what your deep desires are, what your weaknesses are, if there is any shame they can control you with, what your fears are. This will come in handy for them to be able to manipulate you, first with "love bombing", then they will begin to devalue you and test you with their little "doo doo tests", to see how much disrespect you're willing to take because you're so enamoured with how good they make you feel and how charming they are has left a lasting impression. You'll still be telling yourself how lucky you are to have this person, and will begin to defer to them with all the decisions to keep them happy, and just to keep them ultimately, because you've found such a catch. When they suddenly treat you indifferently, you'll think it's your fault and they will make you feel that it's your fault. Because they've trained you to defer to them for a while now you believe that it must be your fault that they're unhappy with you, and soon you start trying harder to make them happy. You'll get to the point where you break down because you can't seem to meet their standards to make them happy. Suddenly they'll be nice to you again and you'll be relieved. They'll love bomb you just a little bit to encourage you to relax again and you'll believe that... finally... things are nice again, and we're back on track. Poor you. You're now caught in their cycle of psychological abuse and the trauma bond. They'll have you up and down like a yo yo, and get set, because things are about to get a whole lot worse.

Bottom line is: don't fall for charm. "Charm is deceptive and good looks are fleeting..."

[helenamoniqueclarke]

If someone is indifferent to you, maybe you just leave them alone.

[urlight]

Your ability to articulate the emotional and physiological response of the victim is exceptional and commendable. I have learned life lessons of which I would never have proactively "signed up for" in these last two years that have challenged me on every level of my being and your insights and ability to put the seemingly insane into some semblance of a logical and coherent discourse is both profound and appreciated, despite my reluctance to express it, given your position in the equation. Thank you for the work that you do.

[delbimore]

Very smart, about the world becoming unigender and the emotional lacks that are in consequence. Thank you Mr Vaknin.

[coolerkittycattoy]

Your prediction concerning humanity is spot on, and horrifying. People ENJOY hurting one another. Great video. Thanks.

[JohnDoe-ides]

A dystopian loveless society as predicted by Orwell in "1984".

[angelafalsetta]

TYSM for being here again for us, Dr.Sam. We are very grateful and that you are well and safe too. Outstanding video and content as usual! Now, I know and understand why I had become self-destructive for a time in my life. We are desperately pushed to it. To matter...to survive. Makes all the sense now. Yes, narcissism is a virus! Thank you, Dr. Sam.

[Sophie-ucvp]

So beautifully observed, as always. I found myself getting so distressed in response to stonewalling that I would become quite enraged and would find myself provoking a huge row just to break the tension so he would re engage with me. This went on in cycles for 7 years.

[jadelove]

The only true revenge on a narcissist is to be one yourself. Get so focused on yourself and making yourself happy by all means necessary that nothing they could do will ever hurt you because you are too busy enjoying your life anyway. Only cheat because you truly want to, not for revenge. When you cheat savor the moment, be present with the person, feel what it's like to have fun again. Continue to do this but hide it from the narcissist as best as you can. The narcissist will smell your happiness and how your treating them differently. They will snoop and discover your betrayal. I promise you, this will hurt them to their core. Why? Narcissist don't care if you cheat purposely to get their attention because they know it's still about them BUT when you cheat for your own selfish reasons it creates a injury. Then when they confront you, flip it on them and discard them immediately and never go back. They will forever obsess over you. They absolutely hate to lose and will consider this a loss.

[lotuskeeper]

Hi
Thank you for this video.
It confirms what I had noticed in my direct experience a few years ago. I gave up a career in real estate because the pressure was too great to be "a woman acting as a man" in order to gain success. Now I have a business that is perfectly suited to my natural balance of masculine and feminine skills without the need to be seen as masculine.
I see the imbalance all around me, the lack of value placed on the Great Feminine Art of Life.
It directly relates to our lack of intimacy and connection that results in positive growth and expansion. If women are not capable, due to society and our experience of it, of embodying the nurturing acceptance and love due to fear of manipulation, then who are our role models for these sacred human traits.
I have survived an 8+ year relationship with a man who shows fragile narcissistic behaviors.
I have faced the need to change my behaviours in order to gain some semblance of care, attention, love. It was a slow process of closing my own heartspace and denying my expectations. It became necessary to logically and purposefully decifer his chess moves to anticipate his next so I could determine my movement. Unbelievable stress slowly built up within me within this spiral of power plays.
That's my best "general" description of that time and situation.
I was so devoted to "making it work" and I analyzed myself so deeply that in the end, after untangling the nest of wires and tethers, after removing the attachments to him and to the dream I carried, I know myself so much better. It has required an intense amount of work and time to reach this platform. Hundreds of hours of counseling, writing, creating art, CBT online, hypnosis, spiritual practice, self care and rest to sit where I am right now on this plateau.
The plateau looks like this...
▪︎I am single and the desire to be in partnership is faded from years of exposure and yet still underdeveloped.
▪︎ I am producing more creative art then I thought possible.
▪︎ I have created a business caring for the elderly in their homes by offering the services I wanted to provide to my own family and home.
The list of services includes everything from small repairs and maintenance to meal planning and shopping to assistance with showering and dressing to art instruction and companionship.
I have created a reciprocal world full of people to love and care for and I am earning more money than ever.
I think I have fallen away from my initial thought in this comment but I trust the flow of my thoughts and perhaps my sharing will provide someone else with an inspiration for their own journey.
Namasté 🦋🤍🦋

[erikapeters]

Honesty, courage and a willingness to be real. That is our answer.

[ZBear]

The title of this video knocked me on my arse with laughter! Immediate illumination! Love your dry humor! Made my day! Got 5 male best friends and we enjoy each other's honesty and trustworthiness every day even in Quarantine.

[DaciaBertrandBuchanan]

This is exactly correct. But, blog after blog, article after article keeps telling the partner that she has to change and acquiesce to the narcissists needs. But, my instinct has been to provoke to initiate some action other than cold indifference. This video is exactly correct.

[MsKalamity]

You described the relational dynamic exactly. Sadly.

[jennifercrotty]

I have been in a very very dark place for too long. Feeling very much like I was going crazy. I was struggling to work out up from down, left from right. My self doubt so so chronic I really felt like I didn't know myself anymore. I understand the self trashing. Iv'e been there :( . I was trying to make him see my distress. He told me I needed to get help. At that time I didn't know what I was dealing with, only that it definitely didn't feel right. It's a relief to hear you explain all of this. While Im not without my flaws, Im not crazy. Thank you.

[mariavulcan]

Thank you! your contribution to clarifying the dynamics of narcs-empath relationships have helped me change my life for the better,

[backhome]

Thank you 😊 I turned into someone who acted like a woman with borderline because of my partner I had no idea why but the level of wierd behavioral towards him and others was crazy and I didn't even know what he was. In light of the fact a someone can make you act like a raving lunatic without your permission why would anyone enter an intimate relationship with anyone of the same or the opposite sex?