SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT: WHAT HAPPENS AS WE GROW UP (BOOK CLUB | DR. KIM SAGE)

This video describes the messages and interpretations we might receive from parents who may struggle with UNTREATED Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent," written by Roth and Friedman.

As always, the intention of this video and information is to help validate those who were raised by parents who struggled, and not to further stigmatize those individuals with BPD.

There has been a massive shift in the diagnoses of BPD, and increased awareness, and it's important to know that treatments like DBT, DBT parenting skills and other treatment modalities can be incredibly helpful and effective in supporting those with BPD.

However, this video and the book are focused upon validating and helping the children of parents with BPD, and there is no real way to validate without also acknowledging the range of experiences and impacts upon children, when parents were (or are) untreated, unsupported and/or unaware or uninterested in getting treatment.

Regardless of diagnostic labels, which are generally not helpful, it can be incredibly validating to finally understand why a parent may have treated us certain ways in childhood, and in our adulthoods as well.

Knowing what we now know, about the impact of trauma and mental health upon the development of children, I am hopeful that we can move in a direction of helping and validating children and parents who suffer, so we can all benefit as individuals, families and societies...

xo

****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

**************************

Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[justanotherAA]

Family members have been subjected to constantly having to give way, rotate around, concede, and prioritize those with BPD forever. I applaud you for having the fortitude and being an advocate for the children (now many of us adults like me). The number of channels dedicated TO the BPD outnumber the other by far. Please keep up your advocacy! Those who criticize, too bad- there are plenty of other channels and support for you. WE are the ones trashed by the wayside and need some dedicated support without apologizing for once!

[julieh]

Please don’t stop this series Dr Kim. You are helping so many of us. IMO it’s always our feelings and what we’re going thru that gets disregarded to the BPD person’s feelings. This space you are creating is so validating, insightful and truly a safe space for us. You are appreciated and frankly I’m sick of their offense and their feelings being more important than ours. They can move on and find their own space.

[catherinelynch]

Please don’t stop speaking about untreated borderline parents and effects on loved ones. You bring your own experience and your professional knowledge in a way that is enormously helpful. I appreciate you addressing this subject and appreciate your videos.

[eottoe]

Have to say something that may sound cold, but the death of my BPD parent while sad in some ways was a relief in other ways.

[SabrinaEickhoffingly]

Oh my word. You are right. I have searched and searched for helpful/therapeutic info designed for adults who were raised by undiagnosed, untreated runaway freight trains. My childhood felt like being dragged behind a horse. (An angry, impulsive, arrogant, party animal - single parent- horse) It is terrible to suffer under this kind of parenting, without getting any real explanation for the suffering -while growing and developing. She angrily refused to accept the various diagnoses from doctors along the way, and also did not share with us any of this info. So I grew up with blindfolds from her, and her explanations of life. Children experience the consequences of poor and erratic decisions by parents like this. I care very much about my own mental health and stability. But the way I grew up remains a great challenge for me. My mother is now deceased… and my struggle for understanding of what happened to my brothers and me has been life-long. (I am now 57) I deeply appreciate your giving attention to this subject matter. THANK YOU for your work Kim!!!

[bradywebb]

dont worry about criticism, there are people who are serial criticizers, they will object no matter what you do. I encourage you to keep imparting your knowledge and experience

[deanej]

Hi Dr Sage. Your videos have been life changing for me. I just appreciate your knowledge and spirit so much. Thank you! Just a quick note, while I appreciate your care and caution around the sensitivities of people with BPD (and I’ve actually always thought you’ve been really good at holding people with BPD with kindness, care and understanding) I’m really pleased you decided to continue with this topic despite some of the apparent negative feedback from people with BPD that you alluded to in your intro. I find it interesting that you perhaps feel a sense of ‘stepping on eggshells’ around some of your viewers with BPD. Isn’t this exactly what happened to us in our own relationships with our mothers. I feel we do need to talk about this, and I myself am so tired of being so careful (hypervigilant) all the time when speaking to or about people with BPD.

[DrKimSage]

Hi all! This has a long intro - so feel free to start around 6mins or so if you don't want to hear about why I almost stopped this series....hope you have a lovely weekend. Much love...❤️

[eleanorcm]

A hallmark of some of these conditions is being unable or unwilling to acknowledge the pain that they cause others, and children in particular. Speaking the truth doesn't equal creating stigma. I believe sufferers of these personality disorders deserve their own spaces and support - but not at the expense of the children and adult children who have been wounded immeasurably by parents with those same conditions and need the space and resources to heal. Thank you for always showing compassion for the sufferers of these disorders, while firmly holding a space for traumatised children and adult children to be validated and feel connected.

[arianna]

Children of BPD parents know-when you hear that dreadful sigh, it means that parent had a bad day. It also means they’re getting ready for battle, to unleash their wrath onto you. When I hear my BPD parent sigh, an alarm gets set off in my body. It wants me to spring into action, to help them have a better day. My first thought is oh no what did I do wrong this time, I thought I did everything I needed to do to avoid this. My mind runs though a mental list -did I do the dishes? Check. Did I wipe down the tables? Check. But every time, no matter how hard I try to get everything done in order to protect myself I always miss something. Something will set them off, even it is just a singular coffee ground on the floor. You cannot predict their moods, ever. Since I was a child I actually figured out that I was safe on Fridays and Saturdays because that’s when my BPD parent was in a good mood. But not Sundays because they had to work the next day. Mondays and weekdays were always the riskiest, though.

[michaelkimmitt]

Dr. Sage, adding my voice to the chorus that this is vital work. It's hardly astonishing that a group of people who are defined by their comfort with extreme and abusive behavior are coming at you hard for holding them accountable for their inexcusable and evil actions. The abuse you're receiving is, sadly, an unmistakable sign of the vital need for your work. My marriage would not have survived if my spouse and I had not gotten this vital information that helped us understand why we turned into the people we did.

[jennifers]

You're doing a great job! You don't know how much you've helped my sister and I heal from our borderline mother. Don't let borderlines shame you for helping us feel heard.

[djer]

I truly appreciate the vulnerability you share here and in so many of your videos lately. For what it's worth, I think that erring on the side of providing validation and support for people raised by parents with borderline symptoms is definitely the right call. I do understand how people with BPD may feel shamed or called out, and I understand the stigma of the disorder needs to be addressed. But frankly, if they are allowed to openly explore the factors that contributed to their mental health conditions, including the trauma and abuse they may have suffered in their childhoods, then we are equally entitled to explore the effects of being parented by someone with BPD. We are just as entitled to validation, understanding, and healing as they are.

[jodi-annedavidson]

Growing up with borderline mother was very traumatic for me. She was aggressive and violent, sometimes, choking and hitting me in the face as a child and fighting other people and trying to start arguments with my father. Thank you for speaking about this because that is what I had to deal with as a child and no one in her family wants to deal with her.

[jbplastic]

Wow! Yes, there was an absolute shift once I had children, my mom did not like my boundaries. Ruined our relationship, plus she loved gaslighting which was awful and destructive. I had to end my relationship with her because she was pulling the same manipulative behaviors with my children.

[vocalessentialsllc]

I am so blown away by your description of BPD. My mom had the majority of the traits along with narcissism and you are really helping me. Thank you.

[restlessmosaic]

I assume one of the tricky bits of responding to YouTube comments and emails is that you have the urge to absorb them therapist-style - especially since a lot of people use a comment box as therapy, knowing that someone out there will read/listen.

But the videos are different than therapy (just as your legal disclaimer says). They're education; they're information. To respond to feedback as if it's a therapy dialogue - as if we're patients asking you to change the subject or investigate in another way - implies that these videos are closer to therapy than they are.

That's my take on how to carve out a better distinction for your YouTube content. We're students, not patients - no matter how many comments are from would-be patients.

I appreciate this series, as I continue down my thinking that my dad's mother was borderline, and I received residual effects of my dad not getting this type of material. One thing I *especially* appreciate is that you are coming at this closer to my parents' generational perspective than my own. It's a vital reminder to me that I'm not just in some intergenerational turmoil that I can't understand (I'm 37), and that there's hope for my parents to heal from things they've chosen to run away from.

[hussfamaz]

First: Please don’t stop this series! It is amazing and just what so many of us need.
Second: I’ve come to the realization that our adult relationships with BPD or NPD parents are worse, especially after we have kids, because for me, I felt a real unconditional love between myself and my child and as they grew… I could never imagine talking to/treating my child as my mom has treated me! Plus when we are children we don’t know any different. We may see or family dynamics and compare them to other families, but I feel like we begin to get clarity one we move out and start our own lives away from the BPD/NPD parents.

[adapez]

Dr Sage, you're videos have been a needed beacon of validation for those of us with untreated BPD parents. I came across your videos last year about mama trauma & it was my first aha moment that the life I lived with my mother actually had a name. I could never precisely coin how to describe all that I experienced or her needy & childish personality until I had to deal with my own mental health. Finally, it wasn't just me being sensitive & that my burdensome childhood was legit. Majority of the characteristics you've highlighted about BPD parents behavior are as if they are talking about my upbringing exactly. Sorry you had negative feedback, but your own experience along with these videos are for the greater good because you come from a place of understanding & compassion, which most of us affected this way yearn for someone to really acknowledge what we went through & for some, are still going through with the aging BPD parent. Please don't let those naysayers stifle your voice. Thank you for all you do!

[LXSeaV]

Cold hard truth: Most people with this disorder probably shouldn't have children. It's gonna be enough for that person to just responsibly manage themselves. They should at most maybe have a romantic relationship with a person who has a really great support network. People with BPD can be enjoyable, but they can never be anyone's reliable rock. It's like a central part of the disorder that don't want to be anything but a small child with no responsibility for anything but soothing their own emotions first and foremost.