Are You an Adult Child of a Narcissist? 12 Traits You Need to Know

Each individual's journey as an adult child of narcissists is unique, encompassing a range of personality traits shaped by their upbringing. While not all may exhibit the same characteristics, common themes emerge from research and professional observations. These traits include negative self-perception, marked by low self-esteem, chronic self-blame, difficulty with boundaries, and insecure attachment styles, leading to emotional challenges such as people-pleasing tendencies, hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, and struggles with trust and intimacy. Yet, amidst these adversities, positive attributes often emerge, cultivated through resilience and growth. These include empathy, resilience, independence, and heightened intuition, reflecting their capacity for understanding, strength, autonomy, and emotional attunement forged through overcoming challenging experiences.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

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00:00 Introduction
00:36 Self-esteem and self-doubt
01:17 Chronic self-blame
02:15 Difficulty setting boundaries
03:04 What is a narcissistic wound?
03:43 Insecure attachment ACONs
04:49 People pleasing tendencies
05:51 Hypervigilance (always on alert)
07:16 Emotional dysregulation
11:03 Empathy and compassion
11:58 Resilience and strength
12:37 Independence and self-reliance
13:54 Heightened intuition and sensitivity

[GorgieClarissa]

living with a narcissistic parent is like living in a nightmare you can't wake up

[nonawolf]

Narc Mom teaches you from day one that you are not allowed to have boundaries, and your primary purpose in life is to please her. This sets you up for disaster when you start dating - I allowed men to treat me badly because that's what I was trained to do. Thanks mom.

[swimmerfish]

I'm 29 and just realized two weeks ago that my mom is narcissisistic. Man, everything makes so much more sense now.

[lisadoidge]

I was never allowed to have any boundaries.

[rylee]

You've described me. My mother won't allow me to have boundaries, can't defend myself, can't talk about things that interests me, never has my back, never admits to being in the wrong, gaslights me, no empathy and compassion, argues, but she's always right, lies, manipulates etc..

[lanie-ok]

Such evil evil people, they ruin your whole life. Love to all survivors.

[melodyc]

There is no “free will” in a relationship with a narcissist.

[firefeethok_tui]

My mother is also a narcissist. What I have finally realized does anytime they dismiss anything that you want to try to communicate to them, it’s because they don’t have any respect for you. They don’t actually love you respect you and they mostly want for you to fail so that they don’t feel so bad. This is how you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, in my opinion.when it’s your parent and they treat you like someone they don’t like and it doesn’t bother them that they hurt you? That’s a narcissist.

[HermitLady]

Living with narcissistic parents is to dream about feeling loved.

[vessela]

I used to say I need to go to the bathroom even though I didn't, and just sit there with my eyes closed and experience 5 minutes of peace. Highlight of my day.

[hcmangs]

But when you’re a child, you think their behavior is ‘normal’ and it’s our fault

[odiechan]

I sometimes try to dismiss my experience growing up with a vulnerable/covert narcissistic parent as ‘not that bad’. And then I sit down and listen to someone validate my experience and I’m suddenly in tears for the child version of myself who deserved a mother with compassion and empathy and who deserved to have boundaries observed and respected.

[alkismith]

Narc father endlessly told me "Don't touch that, you'll break it". He would pull things out of my hands as he said it. Accused me of breaking things I hadn't broken. Anything I wanted to do he'd tell me "Don't do that, you'll fail." Also told me there was no money for college, so I should learn how to type so I could always get a job as "somebody's secretary". Refused to go to my HS graduation because it would be "boring". Told me I wasn't interesting anymore. And that's just off the top of my head. To this day, I'll still surprised people like me and want to spend time with and I'm 62.

[stephbowler]

This is spot on! I grew up with a narcissistic mother and this describes me perfectly. I have poor self-esteem, blame myself for everything and am constantly hypervigilant. It's comforting to know that even though this was my upbringing, there are positive traits like empathy and having sensitivity. I never thought about having resilience but since I survived such a crazy environment, I definitely am pretty resilient.

[lulumoon]

*By the time you figure out the rules of the game, it's too late to play!*

[kathypariso]

It’s like walking on eggshells every minute of every day waiting for “the other shoe to drop”, never knowing when the next rage or outburst is going to come or what will cause it. Spending all your time rehearsing your words in your head over and over in case one of those words unleashes a torrent of nastiness. It is hell on earth no matter whether you’re an adult or a child.

[freesiasage]

Oh man, yeah being too aware of other people's emotional states can be so overwhelming. On the other hand I'm starting to feel like it's becoming a bit of a super power to be able to accurately sniff out people and their motives.

[ericapoe]

This topic is important. Not many people are discussing Narcissistic parents and how they damage the family. Thank you

[michelekurlan]

My tummy hurts as i watch this. My abuse history growing up was manifold.

[helnbak]

Oh my goodness
You just described me - I’m a 57 yr old who has had a lifetime of issues.
Thank you