Why Some Adults Can't... 'Act Their Age'

In contact with given challenges, we leave behind our adult faculties and slip very quickly into a child-like spectrum marked by panic, rage, despair, terror and appeasement. The specific occasions that shift us from adult to child can serve as an individual guide to our own traumas…

FURTHER READING

“Sometimes at moments of particular stress, one adult will turn to another and say: ‘Stop behaving like a child.’ Or even, ‘Act your age.’

This isn’t merely rude - though it might be that too. In contact with given challenges, we revert back to an earlier stage in our development. We leave behind our adult faculties, the ones associated with reason, logic, calm, strength, forbearance and perspective, and slip very quickly into a child-like spectrum marked by panic, rage, despair, terror and appeasement.

The specific occasions that shift us from adult to child are an individual guide to our own traumas…”

MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:

SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Natalia Biegaj

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[princeali]

The real problem is why those who think "acting your age" = Becoming more pretentious, unwilling to accept change, introverted, and abandoning all hobbies. Some people die at 21, while others truly live at 50.

[samfarrow]

I’m approaching 30 and I still feel like a child in a way. While responsibility is expected of you, you can’t let adulthood dictate you from what you want to do and how you should behave. At 18, I thought I was finally an adult and had to mature a bit, now I don’t care. If people don’t like that, then that’s their own issues which you shouldn’t take responsibility for. That’s being an adult…

[Sid-hwbd]

Those people who have their inner child living are only alive.

[writer]

I've been married for 5 years now, and, in the past, whenever my husband would go into a rage, I would feel like I'm being yelled at by my narcissistic mother, and I would freeze. But I've learned that my husband (and mother) is the fearful child, and I'm the adult who can assert herself to be respected. In other words, I don't have to remain in a relationship where the other person feels out of control and resorts to yelling to gain control. Therapy has truly helped.

[BertSingels]

I am 50. The best advice I have for anyone is to only let the ADULT out if absolutely necessary and never to abandon the child in you!

[ankharahallstrom]

I'm 23 and still think of myself as a kid. I'm that weird mix of extremely immature but kind and friendly. I've been told I'm "the good kind of immature" by friends, and "annoying, but nice" by non-friends (and even people I have a one-way friendship with). I don't throw tantrums (but I sometimes do cry when overwhelmed) but I do immature stuff like blowing bubbles in my drinks, joking around and not always being aware of when someone doesn't appreciate my teasing. I always feel bad when I hurt someone's feelings, though. It's the worst feeling to know that I caused pain to another human being. Also, I don't see myself as able to handle real responsibilities and just let the adults in my life (my parents) handle things for me. I try to have interesting conversations but I unfortunately focus too much on my interests. Maybe the average person isn't interested in hearing about my coloring books, but I like talking about them. When I talk about my interests it's because I like those things, they make me happy and I want to give someone else a chance to experience the same joy I did.

[micmiclee]

"growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!"

[trinaq]

Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. I know some people who have ostensibly reached their forties and beyond, yet wouldn't be out of place in a school!

[vincentfranklin]

I find that it's a good thing to keep at least, a little bit of childlike joy inside yourself as an adult. What do you think?

[SearchOfSelf]

Watching this made me think of my father and his reactions to stress. He was unable to control his emotions and would often regress back to a much younger version of himself. Seeing him like that was heartbreaking. The video made me understand how important it is to recognize our own triggers and to stay calm even when we're feeling overwhelmed.

[aleenatj]

Feeling like a failure and also feeling pressured to do things I don't like. I get triggered immediately and start crying uncontrollably

[MuhammadKhalid-chli]

Sometime our brain stuck in childhood memories we wants to live in childhood glorious lives no responsibilities of earning no fear etc.

[bolivar]

The following quote can be very helpful and consoling in those situations:

“I believe there's no such thing as overreacting; it's just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what's in front of them.” Terry Real

I always keep this in mind. Because here is the thing:

We have feelings and then we have feelings about those feelings!! You may feel extremely angry in a situation and then right away, feel deeply ashamed of being angry!

For example, I remember this very unfriendly woman at the foreigners office back then, who told me about the millions of papers I had to bring to get my working permit, saying that " I still think it won't work ". At that very moment I felt like I could bust her head! Despite the " loving kindness meditation" one hour a day!

( So Terry Real pops out in my head in those situations and tells me that I am not reacting to what's in front of me, but what it is behind me;an entire childhood with an extremely violent parent. So I forgive myself...)

The point is to always remember that back then we were powerless, but now we have all the agency in the world to deal with these situations.

It is also important to keep educating ourselves to know how to deal with our past.

For friends who suffered from emotional or physical parental abuse, here are some resources that I have found very helpful.

1. The most important thing in this world is to cultivate self compassion. If you don't have it, it is because you have internalised the unforgiving gaze of your parent upon you. That's why it is extremely important to actively cultivate self love daily, no matter how awkward and artificial it may seem to you at the beginning. These two guided meditations are very helpful.

-UCLA Hammer Meditation, Diana Winston, Loving Kindness For Ourselves
-Tara Brach, Awakening Self Compassion


2. Broadening your horizon with the stories of other people who suffered the same is extremely helpful. You feel less alone in your struggle and you learn from them, seeing how they deal with it. Here are some podcast episodes that really touched me deeply:

TIM FERRIS PODCAST

" My healing journey after childhood abuse"

DRIVE PODCAST by Peter Attia

The episode with Esther Perel ( if your mother was abusive )

The episode with Terry Real ( if your father was abusive )

DEAR THERAPISTS PODCAST

Two episodes:
" Moll'y father's suicide"
" Jason's alcoholic father

THERAPY WORKS PODCAST, Julia Samuel


The episode with Rangan Chatterjee

3. I remembered an interview with Esther Perel, one of the best therapists on the planet, where she said that she could only publish her first book, after her overly critical mother died. So probably, if her mom was still alive, millions of people wouldn't have the opportunity to benefit from her incredibly helpful books.

For some of us it is like this: those who make us who we are, also constantly break us in ways that neither they nor we properly understand.That's why introspection is very important.
I highly recommend everyone to read the book " Maybe you should talk to someone " by Lori Gottlieb and also to use the workbook, that helps us to ask ourselves the right questions!

4. There is a wonderful video from this channel called "How to parent yourself". I wrote another list under it, if you wish to check it out.

Thanks a lot for this valuable lesson and the wonderful animation!

[kierlak]

1 year of IFS therapy l plus reading many books on trauma/CPTSD helped me enormously. I reconnected with my Inner Child and started being an adult for him.

I think what really helps is when irl something similar happens to when we were growing up and in that situation we can step up and protect our Inner Child, this is a game changer. Our Inner Child trusts us more, and the more trust there is the less anxiety we feel etc. It takes time and practice, it may require going to therapy and attending to our traumating memories with love and compassion.

But, it is worth it ❤

The Body Keeps the Score is a good starting point in my view. Plus journalling.

[theschooloflifetv]

What 'triggers' instantly recall you back to a more childlike state? Let us know in the comments

[kimlec]

When you hit your 40s and into your 50s...all the work you put in to being an adult after a lifetime of unhelpful experiences...you can start to feel like an overwhelmed child...which is probably what we actually are.

[hoorayitsjackie]

I thought I had an anger disorder and I couldn’t be helped but once I found a doctor who called them temper tantrums it put things into perspective and helped me start to change and control my emotions

[m.f.richardson]

When I lost my husband of forty years died. I had no clue how to act.

I went back mentally to my high school years. I went back to what I knew or how to act.
The big problem, is I'm seventy-two old.✌

[Killua_Zoldyck]

You'd think adults would behave like adults but they behave as children. Every small disagreement turns into an argument that could last all day, and they expect you to just sit there listening to their long lecture about themselves. The fact they actually sit on their ass and expect you to do everything for them like they don't have their own two feet and then complain when you talk back to them. It's THEIR stuff they're not babies. 🙄 I feel like I'm living with two children. My mom is like a little sister who won't shut up and bosses me around to get stuff for her and complains about everything my dad is like a little brother who doesn't care about anything and lectures me about his life. When you mix the two together it's chaos

[jaughnekow]

Our inner child still comes out no matter how "adult" we are. The most important thing is having responsibilities and learning how to control them.