Dr. Gabor Maté on How to Process Anger and Rage | The Tim Ferriss Show

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Tim Ferriss is one of Fast Company’s “Most Innovative Business People” and an early-stage tech investor/advisor in Uber, Facebook, Twitter, Shopify, Duolingo, Alibaba, and 50+ other companies. He is also the author of five #1 New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestsellers: The 4-Hour Workweek, The 4-Hour Body, The 4-Hour Chef, Tools of Titans and Tribe of Mentors. The Observer and other media have named him “the Oprah of audio” due to the influence of his podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show, which has exceeded 700 million downloads and been selected for “Best of Apple Podcasts” three years running.

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[valtracey]

This clip is so important. Having experienced a very traumatic childhood, I have always suppressed anger as it was not safe to express it. I got breast cancer, had surgery & chemo (more trauma), appeared to recover, but failed to change. A few years later, following another major trauma and more suppression, I discovered I had stage IV colon cancer. More surgery & chemo, more trauma to the body. That’s when I discovered Gabor Mate. Sadly, halfway through ‘When the Body says No’, my son passed away suddenly and tragically from complications of addiction to alcohol and prescribed medication. It was the start of lockdown, so I swallowed my grief. A few months later they found a tumour in my lung. I read every one of Gabor’s books, listened to every talk, interview, bought and read every book he quoted from. I finally learned how to process my grief and experience my anger, from the past and the present. Gabor didn’t save my life, he did better than that, he taught me how to save my own life. You don’t need to get cancer or lose a loved one to live your best life. My prescription for anyone in pain - pure and simple TLC, from someone you trust completely and who can let you know that you are loved, no matter what your story is. A compassionate witness to your pain. ❤️

[flynnzilla]

Rage is also about grief…of all the loss that goes hand in hand with suppression of the ‘true’ self…

[gab]

I like to think that I've become a master of rage (abused by my mother). Just yesterday my girlfriend said something to me that I really couldn't handle and I went in a terrible mental state. Didn't act on it, simply lived through it. Saw myself destroy the whole damn place, felt my chest tighten up, breathing became erratic. Felt like I was about to do really bad things but I just let it ''be'' and sat there has it passed. Felt quite proud of myself because when I was younger things would've happened differently.

[SueMoseley]

The trauma fueling the rage isn't restricted to childhood. You can still feel completely powerless as an adult facing your boundaries being violated - such as in sexual, physical, religious/spiritual and narcissistic abuse.

[katekennelly]

Don't suppress it or act it out, but allow yourself to experience it. I've never heard anyone give advice like this. Thank you to you both for your wisdom and your personal strength in what you have been through and the pain you have overcome

[ThEsiLhOuEtT]

Ive been dealing with this overflowing rage on a daily basis. Allowing myself to sit with it is exhausting ! It never ends. 😢

[Cassie-ifow]

I was raised with a family who taught me and my siblings at a young age that anger is good and sadness is weak and bad, my military grandfather would beat us anytime we would cry till eventually we didn't cry anymore so im full of psychotic rage that i cant control sometimes and it painfully reminds me of my grandfather... i am working hard to not turn out like him

[HopingTree]

Tim, you are a brave soul to admit your abuse. All respect and good luck with your journey.

[mare]

Gabor almost always makes me afraid that I’m gonna get sick because of how much trauma I’ve had and how bad my PTSD still is. I listen to these things for help while I have a spasming stomach from being abandoned by someone I thought was trustworthy and steadfast. They were inappropriate with me and left me alone in a bad situation. Anyone reading this I would really appreciate sincerely good energy sent my way. Already Vibing it your way❤️

[BLAB-itun]

Every therapist I saw condemned me saying I was preventing therapy from being able to work because I was allowing anger to get in the way and that it was my responsibility to control the anger so that therapy could work. Intuitively I always knew this made no sense since the anger was the symptom on which therapy was needed. I knew I was expressing anger and rage in ways that were not acceptable to others but I had no idea why. I also had no idea that almost all therapists are clueless about this.

[Ydce]

I greatly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your trauma. Gabor Mate is my hero. He talks about trauma with empathy, compassion and understanding.
Those of us who have trauma need that. We need to be acknowledged for what we’ve gone through and encouraged to work through it.

[Senninha]

Unlike other emotions, anger is one that we tend to hold onto, as we feel like a person should not get away with what they done to us. We must then analyze if holding onto it is constructive or beneficial to us, and the answer is always no, it brings us down and ruins our mood; yet the other person is living their life unaware of our anger. So after realizing this we must then understand that it is better to let it go and move on, communicate with the other party if that helps but make sure to do a personal cost vs benefit of anger analysis. This is discussed well in an incredible life changing book called Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.

[DartmoorPaul]

Wow. My wife found this for me as I have been going through therapy these past 18months to try and heal from being raised by a narcissistic mother.
That rage you speak of and the fact that punching a pillow, or in my case I smashed a wooden pallet to bits, did nothing to quell the rage and as you say just left me feeling more frustrated and angry.
Thank you so much for posting this and I look forward to finding more on your channel. 🙏

[CptDawner]

I was bullied very severely as a child. I was smaller than most people my age and not as strong during the early years of puberty. Taking it was easier than fighting back because fighting back only got me hurt more when I tried it. I suppressed those feelings of anger and rage at what was happening as an automatic survival instinct. It comes out rarely but in force. When I’m relaxing and the TV buttons won’t work, sometimes when I play video games. Other times I have to suppress it again because I’m working or speaking with someone and something they say sets me on a tirade of anger and hate. It’s so difficult to not let it take over. I’m quite surprised that I’ve never inadvertently attacked someone.

[carmenl]

Personally, I think sexual or other abuse itself is something children can recover from. The real pain is not having someone to protect your boundaries, to advocate for you. Someone you trust enough to share this horrific event with - knowing without a doubt that they are on your side and will do anything they can to protect you and help you overcome this. That is the real hurt.
I think society is too focused on haunting the abuser. They are evil, of course. But the lack of a sound support system truly kills children.

[consciousobserver]

It's so powerful for Mate to divulge the rage outbursts at his kids, and how they would be afraid of him. Very humbling thing to admit to, and very relevant. Emotional suppression and alienation create lifelong struggles. This bit on sitting with the feeling and acknowledging it... then investigating and nurturing it, really lands with me. I was conditioned not to investigate or to nurture. It's just so healing to see people open up about their traumas and the consequences to those transgressions. We can learn so much from each other.

[penelopewaters]

It’s videos like these that make me incredibly grateful for the internet. I’ve learned so much from it in my 20 years of living that I otherwise may have learned in 40 years, or perhaps not at all. I am greatly appreciative of the positive difference you are making amongst people, thank you.

[thedentistbakery]

There's a book called Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It's about 'inner child healing' which is basically what Gabor is describing here. It's going back to your childhood as you are now (through meditation/visualisation) and supporting that grieving child with the love and care that was needed but absent.

[MsJavaWolf]

Listening to this reminded me of a very traumatic situation in my childhood. My father was beating me and my grandmother stood there, saying "yes, beat that anger out of him!"
I was never allowed to show any signs of anger, or assert myself in any way as a child. That wasn't communicated indirectly to me, it was communicated through beatings and direct verbal commands. Now, 30 years later, I still suffer from this. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even a real human being.
The worst thing is, that deep down I still feel like I deserved it, I feel so worthless.

[millyardopeacecraft]

There needs to be more human to human conversations about this. As someone who has had moments of rage that have been life altering. I've always been made out to be a monster. Not someone who like many of this trauma respone was a survivor of multidimensional layers of abuse. The Body Keeps Score was the first time in my life that made me feel human. And not a villian.

Thank you two so much.