Why We Mask Pain with Achievement - w/ Dr. Gabor Maté

Dr. Gabor Maté reveals a common coping mechanism of childhood trauma, and how it has played out in his life. He shares that when we are not loved for who we are as children, we commonly outsource our sense of self to the validation of others later in life.

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Watch the Full Episode:

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Know Thyself

Listen to all episodes on Audio:

André Duqum

Meraki Media

[byzantinebird]

This is my generational story. My grandfather was a sailor who neglected his son. His son grew up and became a workaholic who was never at home. He never neglected me, because he was never around to even do that much. He was absent.
And so I filled the empty hours with television and piano. And then more and more piano, until I could play Bach, then Mozart, then Chopin, pouring more and more hours into the keys and fewer into the unrewarding television, until I would play upwards to eight hours a day.
The applause I receive at concertos doesn't touch the emptiness in my heart, or the emptiness of my home.

[dmoore]

Both of my parents abandoned me in their own ways after they divorced (I was 13 at the time). Both were extremely emotionally regressed narcissists with absolutely no empathy, no remorse, no love, no insight, no forgiveness. Just horrible, awful people who drove away everyone in their lives - including their own kids. I grew up with shame instead of a true self, and tried to fill that void with drugs, alcohol, relationships, being a selfless people pleaser, being a workaholic, etc. None of it worked, of course. Now I realized that I wasnt bad or defective - my parents were.

[maxlissa]

Dr. Maté, you are the best therapist I could ever want. Thank you for existing in a time when I am alive to hear your teachings. 🙏🏻

[inhale.exhale.]

my father in a nutshell, the workaholic unable to sit with himself. he wasn't a doc. he was an emotionally stunted 'businessman' whose self worth was expressed with a bulging wallet (when cash was still king), who never held nor even touched his kids that i can recall (except when punishing, humiliating or inflicting), and when asked by me once later in life why he had had kids spat back "your mother wanted them!"

memories ... 🥴.

yet weeks before his prognosed death i wrote a text to him saying "there are times when i really don't know why but be in no doubt that you are greatly loved". he didn't answer but tearfully he later told me he had received it. i am glad i sent it.

i know neither you nor mom received the unconditional love in a home that was a safe place to fail which you both so richly deserved as infants and impressionable children. i didn't either but having spent my lifetime struggling with the effects of this utterly toxic, deeply dysfunctional dynamic and now understanding it, i forgive and love you both. 🙏

[drmuhammedbayram]

I am son of a cardiology professor, and I am a cardiovascular surgeon, .an associate professor. I am in the exact moment of self awareness now.

[mluwrlg]

Every time I hear Dr. Mate speak I hear something useful and enlightening. Thank you for sharing!

[cyndijoylee]

I love you so much. Thank you for being you.

[mmariee]

This is my partner 100%. She is “fed” by the outside world offering praise and recognition at work. Although she receives constant praise from me and friends/family, none of that matters, only the voice of strangers. She will then move on to the next person or thing that gives her the recognition. I wish the praise that mattered to her were the real people in her life and the praise she should be giving herself.

[Golgibaby]

Accurate diagnosis and etiology of the dysfunction.

[melissazimmerman]

I wish we talked more like this in open dialogue daily. It should be how we communicate! 💕

[englishfootballleaguepredi]

This guy's brilliant. Wish I'd listened to him alot earlier. Society is set in a way to put so much pressure on people that it does take them away from the things that really matter, good long lasting relationships with meaning and a better sense of belonging and being seen for who you really are and want to be 😊

[tominnc]

A lifelong people pleaser. Childhood abuse but i played sports, weight lifted, ran, cycled, men’s softball etc. my escape. Now im 70 and suffering, my abusive father died 5 mo ago at 97. I got worse. Confused

[soricel]

Gabor Maté is a heavenly gifted angel😇

[bm-tpce]

Our beloved Dr. Mate, You have so much info gifted us. There is enough for you to take a vacation❤ GOD bless you, Thank you for all u do. I Love you!

[PwrThePeople]

Many years ago someone said to me it's important to know thy self! As the time I got it and I didn't. Now after 50 years walking around and learning I'm very much aware of who I am, it's a very important message which most don't even want to think about 🙏🏻

[theomahalepa]

Finally someone describes me and helps me to heal

[shadiedae]

Omg with this a powerful combo

So greatful for Dr. Maté🙏🏽

[michegreen]

I've just come across your videos in this journey called life, and you have inspired me to get mental help because of how much sense you made in this video and others! Thankyou kindly for sharing and for being an inspiration in strangers lives. Thankyou. Love and light to you and yours! ❤

[MojganMahmoodian-dwoe]

You resonate with so many people, ❤
My husband is a family doctor and palliative care specialist!
Our family is too apart from each other, my teen girl the sensitive one has been using cannabis to calm her pain and we just woke up to our family dysfunctions,
Hearing your teachings in this difficult time is helping us to heal as a family or at least try to heal,
Thank you so much, ❤❤❤

[solobavarianswiss]

And I’m my darkest moments I just recite the words from your book and this gives me everlasting relief from pain and suffering