Why Kids Are Breaking Up with Their Parents: A Video about Parental Estrangement

In this video essay I delve into the causes of parent child estrangement, or when an adult child chooses to cut off ties with their parents, as well as why estrangement is becoming more common nowadays. I also talk about how public figures like Jennette McCurdy and her book I'm Glad My Mom Died help to destigmatize adult children who choose to cut off their abusive parents.

TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 patreon plug
0:12 intro
2:28 the causes
4:09 why estrangement is becoming more common
11:03 final thoughts

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My last three videos: (◕‿◕✿)

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Music in order they appear (from the YouTube Audio Library):

Erik Satie - Gymnopédie No.3

The Mini Vandals - In Memory of Jean Talon

[skateforlife]

does anyone know what movies clips were included :/// wish there was like a citation included

[austensg]

“Even though all parents might believe they love their children unconditionally, there usually are many strings attached.”

[ChrisBrooks]

I think a lot of people don't realize that this isn't merely growing pains that come from being a child growing into a young adult and then into adulthood. This is a denial of autonomy, of personhood and of recognizing that you have the right to express yourself as you see yourself. This is someone constricting your freedom and the ways that you see yourself and just because that person gave birth to you or clothed you or fed you does not mean that you have to put up with their degradation. Everyone deserves the right to be free and autonomous and to express themselves how they see fit. No one deserves abuse. Abused people don't always hate their abuser; they hate themselves.

[sareneve]

the problem about being a kid is nobody takes you seriously, especially your parents. i don't think my parents realized until recently that i am my own person and not a trophy, pawn, or prop.

[TheSrawsome]

My parents were abusive but I still wasn't able to cut them off until I was almost 30 because the societal pressure of family being everything is so hard to overcome.

[m.g.]

The number of people who ask "who's going to take care of you when you're old if you don't get married and have kids?" is baffling. Like, that's clearly not guaranteed anyway, as this video shows, and they're telling on themselves for having children so they can raise up their own personal slaves

[DoraWinifred]

This is definitely an issue within black families, Im Caribbean and the toxicity has been passed on I see how my grandmother treated my mother badly and now my parents are toxic to me, the bs I’ve had to deal with from my mother is unreal.
She constantly reminds me how she gave birth to me and how she ensured I was fed and has a home. I’m a thread away from telling her to leave me alone for good because she is a horrible person I have more bad memories than good. I never asked to be born. I can’t be grateful for something I NEVER asked for.

[nicolesherman]

I almost teared up watching this. This cut deep like a knife 😢.

The part where you said “Children are to be seen, and not heard” is a common rhetoric in the Black community. Lots of Black parents love to instill fear in their children young and children shouldn’t go against their demands or they will be beaten. I’m glad that this generation is focusing on gentle parenting and breaking toxic ways we were brought up by our parents whether it’s respecting boundaries or having a space to be completely vulnerable without being dismissive or insensitive.

[topher]

The phrase "you have to love/forgive/excuse them because they are family" has done so much harm. I was raised with an older sibling that was very mentally & emotionally abusive. When I would go to family members crying because of something they did or said to me I was told "that's just how they are you know". I just assumed that's how every family was. until one night we were out at dinner with some extended family we had not seen in a while. I had terrible acne and a nervous tick of picking at scabs. and was in the middle of a seriously bad outbreak at the time. The sibling made a comment about "the massive craters and holes all over my face being horrible to look at". While I was holding back tears, my Mom laughed it off saying "oh be nice". The other family member immediately jumped on my sibling scolding them for talking about me like that and being so heartless then got on my Mom for letting them talk to me like that and then just laughing it off while I was trying to not breakdown at the table. That was the first time I ever had the thought that I don't have to take that kind of treatment. That was the first time I was told it was not ok for family to treat you like that and you don't have to take it just because they are family. I have since cut all ties with that sibling and have VERY limited contact with my Mom. My mental health is still a mess, but cutting those ties was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

[andreawalker]

It took me until I became a parent myself to cut my toxic parent off. I couldn’t let this generational curse pass on.

[abbadoo]

I am particularly devastated that those who live with their abusive parents don't have a choice, as the housing/rent prices have become ridiculous.

[abracadaverous]

Going NC was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself. I wish my mom well, but her happiness is her own problem; not mine. I am deeply grateful that she has respected my request for distance. The greatest gift she ever gave me was room to heal.

[blakemodlin]

The most difficult aspect of cutting off my mother was her trying to regain contact. I’ve been no contact for a year now and she has tried to contact me multiple times. I put no contact as a boundary and insisted I would reach out if I was ever ready; this boundary has been broken a few times now. Every time she does my entire day is relegated to a breakdown due to the struggle of realizing she is the same person and nothing has changed; by her breaking a simple boundary. When societally we view children as “privileged” for cutting off their parents don’t realize how hard it is to cut of an abuser who was supposed to be your protector. No one wants to not have parents, but some have to out of self preservation.

[Fuul_Love]

I ceased contact with a parent 12 years ago. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, there were all the people who would gasp and go “you don’t talk? But that’s your mother!” It’s been amazing to see things change and that these conversations and understandings are taking place. Thank you Cheyenne.

[marielarubiodiaz]

Great stuff, I noticed this pattern of media beginning to portray how actually complex family dynamics are and that not everything is as simple as "family is family". You gave a lot of nuance to this topic

[shaunbarrie]

I cut my mother out permanently in 2015 and I have never regretted doing so. My life has only improved as a result. I have no plans or desire to reconcile either. Not only was she incredibly abusive to me, at this point we share no common ground or interests and I don't think she's someone I could even just be friends with. It's okay to break up with people that hurt you, even if those people are your parents.

[Lizard]

My mother probably still thinks I ceased contact with her for a "political disagreement", but it's like you said. For her it's sudden, but for me it's something I've wanted for a long, long time, but never had the courage to do. It's been 2 years now and honestly I've never been happier. It was such an stressful and toxic relationship.

[xenotiic]

It's such a strange dynamic when those that hurt you also care about you and say they love you. It hurts when their hurt wasn't meant to scar, yet it has. I'm going through a lot with my father who was verbally abusive until I was 17 and the yelling stopped effecting me, so he stopped. I'm 21 now and my parents recent divorce has caused me to re-evaluate a lot of things, and I'm still in the process. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it's really fitting I stumble across this video now.

[velveetaenthusiast]

I went nc to protect myself. CPS thought having my grandparents raise me was a good idea, despite my mother being extremely unstable and an addict. They didnt think their parenting contributed to it. Turns out, they were just more subtle about it.

Growing up, perfection was expected of me. I had to retake kindergarten, because my grandparents straight up figured that I'd learn to read myself. Several professionals thought I had adhd. I do have adhd. It was something they chose not to treat. I would also be grounded every time i got sick because grandpa believed that sickness was a reflection of who you were personally. He would get even more mad if I couldn't "tough it out"

He expected me to know how chores were done. Never really taught me anything, would just yell at me. But when I'd do them he'd get mad at me and a screaming match would ensue. He was insistent i was incompetent, that I'd fail without him. I believed him.

At some point, the veil had been lifted completely. I was forced to go to college, so I chose to become a teacher. I became a mandatory reporter through what was basically a teaching 101 program for seniors in high school, and finally was like "You know that you're abusive, right? That screaming at me and calling me names isn't normal, and isn't okay, right?"
He agreed. He apologized but essentially said that was how he communicated and he was preparing me for the real world, anyway. That same year he held me hostage. I wasnt allowed to leave the house at all, or really my room over christmas break because a teacher told him I was faking mental illness to get out of work. I just asked for a little bit of leniency, that i would do the work, just needed more time. It was a nightmare. He was so awful and disrespectful. i was eighteen, and didn't know that he was committing a crime in "grounding" me like this. I began to drink and do drugs during this time. How could i get ahold of them despite not being allowed to leave the house? Easy, my grandparents drank and did drugs and grandma was an enabler.

I managed to convince my grandpa that my friends dad was having a new years thing, and he let me go. Turns out it was a new years party with my friends cousin (who has become a part of my family of choice) and her partner. We drank and smoked. It was such a nice time. Then, I traumadumped and my now-sibling was like, "He's committing a crime, you could put him in jail."

When the punishment ended, I told him if he ever did this again, I'd call the cops. Strangely, that's when he decided I was too old to be grounded.

The night I left he told me I'd fail. I've flourished. I work a full time job and I struggle with ptsd and borderline personality disorder, but I'm better. I had been convinced that I was the abuser as well, but that part of me is healing. I haven't talked to him or grandma since october 26, 2018.

[trinaq]

I felt so sorry for Jennette for having to deal with her overzealous stage Mum. I know that if I ever have children, I would make sure that they actually liked acting, without pushing them into the seedy side of show business.