Why You Self Sabotage

▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:14 - Call begins
08:14 - Insecurities
12:39 - Rationalisation
18:00 - The effect of success
27:51 - Fear of risk
33:10 - What are you gonna do about it?
40:14 - The logical trap of blindspots
47:06 - Closing thoughts

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DISCLAIMER

Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provided medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved on are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.

All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

[HunterWolf]

"The person who is 'The One' is going to be okay with the fact that you're not perfect. Because a good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together; it's about two people who are works-in-progress helping each other in a positive way."

[tankfire]

Can we appreciate how well-spoken Trend is?

[kidwolfman]

A lot of us don’t actually know what a healthy relationship looks like or how it functions and sustains. Especially if we come from a broken family.

[SheerDrop]

Needed this, I sabotage LITERALLY everything going well in my life lol

[sincerlai]

I resonate so much with this guy. I literally try to sabotage every connection that I had, whether it be romantic or platonic, because I know how much I invest in the people I love and the possibility that it will eventually go to waste when they leave is just so frightening to me. In romantic relationships, I would always end up thinking I'm not good enough for them and that they deserve better, then I realized that those were just excuses I made up to what I thought was a valid reason to leave. I tried doing that too with my current boyfriend but it didn't work because he knows that it's not me, but my fears speaking up, and he was really willing to work it out with me. Now, I just take it day by day with him. Just focusing on the present makes me appreciate the time I spend with him and makes me less anxious but more excited of what else we could do tomorrow. I try not to think as far ahead because it just ruins the moment.

My boyfriend is part of this community and he’s also the reason why I began watching Dr. K and started gaining self-awareness. I’m very thankful to this community because it continuously educates me and helps me articulate my thoughts and feelings better. I can say that I am in a much brighter place right now, and I hope that you are too. But if you feel like you aren’t, just know that it takes time. Just keep going.

And to my Gil,

You’ll probably watch this video and scroll through the comments when you wake up. Thank you for being patient with me.

[JonSudano]

I feel like it's important to focus on just having fun with a person first before going balls-to-the-wall commitment. Like yes obviously you're both looking for something long term like most of us are, but if you're going to commit to someone long term you should probably feel comfortable with them first before going in headstrong with the idea of "I might marry this person one day". I know it's dumb to say lighten up and just enjoy the dating rather than the end results, but sometimes it's as simple as just turning your brain off and having fun with a person.

[taequility]

I just started the video and as per usual scrolled comments and I'm surprised how no one so far didn't mention attachment style where for this guy it SCREAMS avoidant (or fearful avoidant), and I know it because I'm the same and I'm actively working on healing it. Sabotaging your relationships by keeping a distance (with devaluating your partner by seeing mostly bad things in them for instance) is a book example of avoidant attachment style so I'd recommend everyone to read more about it :)

[keinkoenich]

It's almost scary how fitting all these issues lately are to my situation. Makes me think it's probably pretty common and we might cut a lot of people some slack ^^°

[Balloonbot]

Being 32 soon, its nice to hear from a slightly older member of the community, as i relate a bit more. Definitely in a very similar situation myself where i feel like i've achieved good things, but its not making me anymore confident inside.

[alexeonbel]

I remember this one line in Good Will Hunting that spoke to me when I watched it. It was Robin William’s character Sean, and he said, “Guess what sport, you’re not perfect. And this girl you’re interested in? She isn’t either. But it doesn’t matter that you’re perfect. What matters is if you’re perfect for each other. And the only way to know for sure is to give it a shot.”

[outsidethewall]

Really appreciate this trend of having more people on who have already done much of the work in terms of introspection and self improvement but now need that next level of help to get where they want to be. I still have issues for sure but I've done so much personal work that I struggle to find someone as 'emotionally healthy' or at least as committed to getting there as me which I now know is something I need in a relationship.

[CloudslnMyCoffee]

"being the best kid to get attention reinforces the idea that fundamentally you dont deserve attention" 🎯🎯🎯🤯

[VioletEmerald]

I talked in therapy about how I keep self-sabotaging my sleep and my therapist was like "why do you keep using that phrase, you've said it 4 times today" and i guess self-sabotage is just. The phrase this week that a lot of people are really focusing in on... Lol.

But yeah I really like the concept of acknowledging that the thing that prevented you from reaching whatever your goal was was.... Your own choices. Sabotage is a verb. It's an active thing you do. You didn't try but fail. It's not who you inherently are that couldn't achieve the end result either. It's just because you chose this one particular action or set of actions that you didn't end up with the result that you yourself wanted. Self-Sabotage is a useful framework for people because instead of "it makes no sense why you would have worked against yourself" it kinda offers an explanation. Like that you purposefully did things because on some level you wanted to sabotage the plans. Because you were afraid of success or dreading something else.

[ongakuami]

32F and I'm in the exact same rut. This was a great conversation to listen to, and hits closer to home than usual. Kudos to Dr. K and "smooth voice" Trend. XD

[christianlabrador]

This was extremely helpful for me personally. I've been single for 10 years now precisely for the same reasons discussed in this video, so this really opened my eyes and even prompted an emotional response from me.

[alyssazaira]

Wow, as someone who was bullied a majority of her childhood into adolescence, this hit me. Not in a romantic sense but with real friendship. I just remember not being able to make friends bc others were bullied out of hanging out with me (years later someone finally stood up for me).

Anyway, that’s made it difficult for me to see my worth as a friend to other people. I did exactly the same as Trend did. I’m financially independent, fit, educated, etc. and couldn’t help but think someone was going to find me defective. It actually sort of happened again (bullied, but behind closed doors) and I’ve been working with my own therapist. I found that I’ve been avoiding the topic of being bullied for so long that I never figured out how to actually deal with it. Watching this video did help me see that I could have literally been self sabotaging myself after all these years lol! I’m also 28. Guess today is as good a day as any to change!! Thanks for being vulnerable and thanks Dr. for the insight!

[dayf]

Shoutout to Trent for being so insightful/self observing and sharing it with the community ! I believe he represents perfectly what kind of people HGG is helping everyone in the community to become (if that makes sense). Loved the meta conversation at the end on the the idea of "fixing oneself". Will definitely come back to this video, immensely helpful !

[Ryo]

What an amazing conversation. One can tell the caller has been very introspective of himself, and is well practiced in articulating his thoughts.

[anonomus]

The level of introspection and honesty here is impressive. This can even be applied to situations that aren't relationships and are thoughts I've seen arise in other areas that I struggle with. This was very useful to listen to

[maddexcess]

Trent is just the sweetest. Thank you both for this wonderful coaching!