2 Unexpected Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

We often observe self protective strategies in ourselves with a mixture of puzzlement and embarrassment. Why are we like this? Why can’t we be more normal? What’s up with us?

FURTHER READING

“There’s an enlightening and sometimes slightly painful exercise one can do by oneself to learn a bit more about the origins of how one feels and behaves.
Pick out an emotional skill or habit that you know you’re not very good at – and write it down on a sheet of paper. Here are some examples:
— Staying calm
— Taking pride in yourself
— Trusting
— Missing people who go away
We often observe these traits in ourselves with a mixture of puzzlement and embarrassment. Why are we like this? Why can’t we be more normal? What’s wrong with us?”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Léon Moh-Cah

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[Abbeycity]

Interesting, it seems the reason why many people are afraid of making mistakes now is because it wasn’t safe for them to make mistakes when they were children since they would be criticised or condemned if they did.

[collective_tarot]

Identifying these triggers is half the battle! We can do this! Good luck everyone

[emi]

I recently rediscovered your channel after you went on the Diary of a CEO podcast. Oh my God, that was what I have been trying to figure out why I self-sabotage: to avoid people being jealous and bully me, this is no longer valid. Now I know and can actually take control of my life.

[TempA-jgqw]

A note for the video editor: The last 20s or so of animation are being wasted with that transition to the merch + the YouTube next video suggestion. It would be nice to be able to enjoy the animations along with the narration until the end.

[Gabytron]

I shed a few tears at the end of every video of yours. Not out of sadness, but out of relief. Your videos feel like a comforting hand on my shoulder that I wish I had growing up, telling me things will be okay.

[soufflera]

It didn’t feel safe to be calm, to be creative, to show myself because I was made fun of, bullied and abused

[nilufertek]

with all due respect, understanding the reasons behind the problems doesn't make them disappear... They only (slowly) disappear when you manage to "re-program" yourself, step by step; which requires tons of energy, failures and comebacks.

[jas_bataille]

I struggle a lot with self-sabotage and this is quite enlightening! When I was a kid, it was impossible for me to make a mistake. My parents would mock me and then ask why it was so hard for me to forgive myself for making even the slightest mistake imaginable. I spent a long time torturing myself, which I only realize now. I'd like to work in a space where mistakes are allowed, but I need adrenaline fuelled environments (office jobs are a no-no). I like the idea of working a manual job or in a kitchen, because if you don't do something properly, you're just told to do it again, and they'll take off your hands for that day if you really can't. I might feel slightly humiliating, but when I was a kid, I was mocked the first I try cutting a plank of wood at 5 years old because it wasn't straight. I just wish I had a second chance. I never had a second chance, so it seems. That's all I want, really. Why are people SO damn afraid of mistakes? Guess I answered my own question.

[mattiron]

Marcus Aurelius said when you find a bit of wisdom keep it close at hand and re-read it frequently. I feel the same way about your videos. And I love how you always end on a button, timing is perfect.

[Leo-mrqz]

When I was in elementary school, my father was gone throughout the week, night and day, and return on the weekends, for work. My mother is an alcoholic. I missed him dearly. He was the safe parent. He wasn't too emotionally available, but more so than my disabled mother.

Fast forward to age 18, I go away to college, and my first love stayed behind. I couldn't cope. Just waking up to go to classes was even difficult for me. I ended up coming home the next year. My boyfriend and I were never the same, but I think if I had the emotional intelligence to be able to understand that I was at school for my future, it wasn't forever, & if we were in "true love" then it would sustain the time away.

We learn so many things in childhood that make up who we are today. Acknowledging the good and bad helps us understand ourselves a bit better.❤

[angelicfaithh]

Missing people who go away is my biggest problem. I’ve never been ok with losing people even if they weren’t inherently good for me. It sits with my psyche, I pick at it and pick at it until someone new and fun comes along to distract me. It’s only then that I come to realize that I’ve wasted so much time, thought space, and emotions on someone who really didn’t have much power in my life without me giving it to them. I so desperately want to be more careless.

[kierlak]

Can't go far without self-awareness. Brilliant video.

[abidaislam]

I can afford to take pride in myself because there is no longer anyone around to critique me over every little thing.
I can afford to stay calm because she is no longer frantically breathing down my neck so I had to be just as frantic to ensure I care as much as she does about whatever is happening

[MattCurney]

This is so true but glosses over a bit brusquely how much grief and anger there is to process in discovering these protective strategies. You don’t just pick off and flick them away :/

[marynjoroge]

Thank you ❤ for taking the time to help us and for doing it so gently and so thoughtfully. You have often been a helping hand when I was drowning.

[nancykaushik]

Please keep posting such practical exercises too every once in a while. It helps to put your theory into the daily life of myself as well as others. Wonderful as always. :)

[OptiVida]

2:22 minutes! Sums up a couple years of exploring books and YouTube videos 😅

[trinaq]

Thanks so much for your videos. They always give me good for thought.

[nandkudasai]

this is so in line with cptsd recovery.
also loved the video. not too long or short. and without distracting music, animation or sound effects.

[trtl]

This is what I learned in therapy!! It really did wonders for my present life. When I first started this, I was honing on how to fix the specific problems that I was facing, but the main takeaway is that our maladaptive coping mechanisms can be changed with enough reflections and taking actions to undo them. Life has so much for us to experience, and it’s really disappointing that I’ve been trying my damn hardest to protect myself against what my brain keeps making up. Oh well, the past is past and I’m giving myself grace for not realizing this any earlier, because it was such a long and scary exercise for myself. But at the end, it was really worth all the time taking a good look at my life in this way.