WAITING is a CPTSD Trigger

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If adults in your life were dangerous, unreliable or uncaring, you may find yourself triggered strongly when people make you WAIT. How can you tell if you're being unreasonable, of if people in your life are in fact uncaring and unreliable? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman with strong abandonment wounds that set off pain and anxiety when a man she's dating doesn't call when he said he would. Is he the problem or is she?
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Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.

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[e.malloy]

"Your other plan can be to sit in self-respect" - Thank you - I also didn't want to be the "last minute plan" girl anymore and when I decided to sit in self respect it was a beautiful thing. Even if I was lonely, I knew I was worthy.

[koalamama]

"I feel so guilty and ashamed that I need you/something from you and in the past I was taught that the most basic needs are overly demanding."

[MayanPrincess]

My narc mother would somehow ALWAYS forget when she said she would come over. But never forgot her nail appts.
They make you feel as if you’re just the least important thing in their life

[ebbyc]

omg this is spot on. I never knew it was a trigger, I just knew it drives me NUTs.
With texts I've learned to manage it by making my texts 'closed-ended'. I never leave an open question in a text. Rather than saying: when are you free? I'll say: let me know when you're free. Or I'll specify a window like: I'm free from 2 till 4 if you want to... That way once the window's closed, that's it. I'm not waiting and I'm not expecting.

[racheldesantis]

My big sister always told me “don’t be too available!” When I was younger & dating. I once was introduced to a guy by a friend who said “one thing you should know about this guy is, he is always late.” To which I replied “well, if he shows up late, I won’t be here” and he was NEVER late for a date with me. It’s the same issue as not communicating plans and you hit the mail on the head, Anna! When I met my husband he would call me & leave a message on my answering machine (haha was a long time ago) and then call again & leave another message, I told him “I will call you back when I get home there’s no need to call again…If I haven’t called you back it’s because I’m not home yet. “ Other end of the spectrum and showing he was very into me and wanted to be with me. ❤️everyone deserves this in their life!

[COisfake]

My mother maybe or maybe not would pick me up from school after basketball practice. It was a 45 minute walk. Either way I was yelled at. I was not allowed to be upset about waiting over an hour or two, and then walking home in the dark for miles along the highway as a young teen. 30 years later, low contact, but the same games still go on. Parents said they would take me to airport. Then that day they said maybe, maybe not. Promptly got an Uber. Was yelled at for getting an Uber. And a million other examples in between, lol.

Edited: Thinking about this. I probably had a whole team of guardian angels looking after me.

[bullkitty]

Agree with Anna.
And:
1) you get what you accept
2) keep your standards high and expect them to rise up and meet you on your level. Instead of letting them pull you down, to their low level behavior/standards.
3) you’ll recognize great manners from the get go. Quality men exhibit great manners.
4) although may be considered passive aggressive, let him chase you. That can be achieved non verbally by being busy or uninterested when he doesn’t act eager enough for you, or isn’t trying to impress you.
5) another boat will sail into port as soon as the last one sails out. So have the expectation there are plenty of boats: no shortage, or scarcity out there. This will help you to relax.

[douglasr]

So what I hear is that it’s not okay for siblings to wait 42 days to tell me our father died. Thanks for the affirmation.

[emmabrown]

Also, BOOM at 13:14: "I'll pretend I'm crazy and that the problem is I'm just so needy, they're not really the problem, and that's how I'll make this whole thing work" - I've listened to that part over and over. That's how I am in so many of my relationships with others. Wow.

[xxwoman]

Man, I was so triggered when my ex would constantly cancel at the last minute (literally when I'm dressed and waiting for him to come pick me up). Or he'd get a phone call while we were out on a date and have to end the date abruptly and leave. Pretty sure it was set up. Like having someone call him at a certain time like a hidden wing man.
He's ghosted me multiple times and of course it didn't work out. I tried (which he clearly didn't deserve my effort, time or energy.) I look back and cringe at how I responded to his blatant disrespect. I would never accept that behavior now. I haven't dated in 5+ years and actually enjoy the peace of being single.

[kimlec]

Dad lost me in a shop when very young. Was terrified. He left me in the yard to poo on grass like i was a dog. Just scared my whole life. Had to & still have to hide it. When people know you're scared, they act worse, not better.

[abbykendrick]

My father, who ended up completely abandoning me as a kid, did the exact same thing .. shamed me for having reasonable expectations after being promised contact. Definitely gave me a crap fit wound which is why I don’t date anymore.

[christinadepenbusch]

As a child, waiting around for my indecisive and controlling (and miserly) father was an everyday reality. Waiting over 10 minutes to order at McDonald's. Waiting to go to church just to show up late because he pushed off getting ready until it was time to leave. Waiting for him to decide how to deal with a problem while complaining about me and needing "his audience" to be there as he did it. Waiting over 15 minutes for him to decide which set of (free) tickets to give me after already saying that it wouldn't make a difference once we were inside the event venue what tickets we had.

One of my biggest triggers is waiting for people to decide what they want to do or where they want to eat. To be trapped in a situation I can't walk away from. To be out of options except to wait for others to decide what we do. Ah!!!! It's ruined a few vacations with my wonderful husband.

[lynn]

Waiting comes with a sense of dread and anticipation. I do okay waiting in a line, but waiting for responses to texts, calls, waiting for people to show up, etc. with ever second that goes by, I come up with more possible scenarios that are awful.

[LizNeptune]

Never thought of it but omg sometimes when waiting I will get ENRAGED.

[pebblebrookbooks]

Oh I Love saying, "Sorry, already have plans". It makes me feel "as important as everybody else".

[davidbrentslifecoach]

I'd like to share my approach. A friend of mine recommended always having a Plan B. If you're invited to something, you need a backup plan just in case. Say the person pivotal to Plan A does not call / get in touch / show up on time, you can just go: "It's ok, I am going to the movies / dinner / library / home for a bubble bath [insert other enjoyable activity]." Note1: this must be something you enjoy very much. Note2: if you learn to enjoy going for a dinner / movie ALONE, that's a bonus, because you will become strong and independent and capable of making the most out of a situation, which are all great qualities to have. When or if the failed Plan A's pivotal person checks in, just say "I didn't hear from you, so I ended up seeing a movie instead." They will know that you have A LIFE and don't need them in it, so you become an attractive option for them to spend time with, or not, in which case you will still have A LIFE. Win-win.

[LucyTheBlackCat]

Ahhh I totally get this when waiting for a text response but had no idea what or why I felt this way. It's like you read my mind!

[Allthingscheri]

A guy I was dating after a weekend together wouldn’t call for days. I almost had a break down and knew this wasn’t normal. It was miserable. I was miserable. Sheer anxiety. . It pushed every abandonment button I had. @ 40 I didn’t know I had abandonment wounds. Life is a teacher. I know now. Now if someone triggered me to this extent I would have to run away. My cousin used to say relax he probably lost his phone. I remember the breakdown saying this isn’t normal to do to someone. Now I know not normal esp someone w CPTSD.

[Erin-uzgf]

I had this experience with my father too, at about the same age. Me and my little brother would be waiting around for him to come pick us up and then the phone would ring. Such a sad pattern. It was so devastating & heartbreaking as a young girl, I would just cry and cry when my mom would tell me he had cancelled again. It helps some now to know that he had his own childhood trauma, but of course a child doesn't know anything about that. It took me many years to see that it wasn't about me and my brother being unworthy of his time and love, and that we weren't just plain unlovable. It is so deeply sad, the cycles that continue in families, generation after generation until someone gets the courage to break them. Thank you Anna for this work that you do. You have helped me recognize & start to heal so many different aspects of myself and my life that are a direct result of having an absent & unavailable father, and a single mom who struggled for decades trying to do it all on her own. Until discovering your videos, I had no idea that most of my patterns all go back to the same root cause.