CPTSD & Attachment Styles: Partners Who Trigger Abandonment Wounds

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People neglected as children often find themselves drawn to partners who have an avoidant attachment style -- emotionally cold, often withdrawing love and connection unexpectedly, triggering anxious partners to blame themselves and work overtime to make the relationship work. In this video I respond to a woman whose avoidant ex-partner wants to try again -- while he dates other women. Find out how I help her set boundaries and shed guilt about her role in the relationship's demise.

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[jordynbabywoods]

One thing that caused me pain and heartache in relationships was not making a fuss when my partner did things that crossed my boundaries and hurt me. I thought I had to tolerate it. Listen to me everybody. Make a fuss!

[LovelyHylian]

I am very guilty of the avoidant attachment style. It’s something I need to work on. In my household, emotions weren’t allowed (or you’d be punished or mocked), and hugs and affection very sparse. Along with that my parents basically left me to raise myself. So definitely a lot of unlearning learned behaviors for me to do.

[MsVshizzle]

“It feels like you have been kicked out of the human race…” you have described it to a tee. The rage, grief, panic all at once. No one else in my circle reacted like that. 🥺

[SK-nopp]

If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or unavailable parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. We attract partners like this for healing. You’re not “giving up.” Remember, you’re not a fix it, rehab center, nurse, therapist or their parent...they have to do the inner work

[h.newton]

Don't trust or choose a man that can "text the text" but doesn't talk the talk!
Dont be smitten by loving message.
Be smitten by someone who looks you in the eye and says it out loud.

[rileyhoffman]

After my father died (I was five) I spent the next 15 years raising my mother: cold, narcissistic, we lived in 19 places until I moved out for college. I met someone who mirrored my mother, never once said, "I love you", and finally, after another 50 years, I'm learning to let myself off the hook. My mother taught me, "You are only half a person unless you are half of a couple." I've spent 70 years (minus the first five) under this sick delusion.

[Pandatwirly]

The more people I meet, the more I believe having cptsd is the rule, not the exception. Much love to us all 💗

[Sansnew]

Broke up with an avoidant partner a week ago.. it’s been brutal since I feel still attached but honestly I felt more alone being with him than without him now. I came across Anna’s videos in an attempt to find why i keep having failed relationships. This has been eye opening..Thank you for your work!

[hadassah]

The other side of this, is that it’s ok to put up boundaries if someone avoidant is treating you badly - taking too long to respond - hot and cold with you. Boundaries are actually healing.

[weeblewobble]

Learning about attachment theory changed my life. I had the worst heartbreak of my life with an avoidant person and I couldn't understand why certain things made me so emotional, why this pattern was so painful. I took on all the blame for why things weren't working. I felt crazy, not like myself. Being able to put a name to the dynamic and hear that other people were being affected in a similar way massively accelerated my healing.

[GiftedCreativeArtist]

I dated an avoidant for several months and he would constantly pull away and come back, and it never triggered me until 7 months in and out of fear that he would pull away again, I ended it, abruptly, which I didn't mean to do, but I was scared that he would abandon me, again. After this, he called it off for good. Either I didn't have this fear of abandonment until I entered this relationship, or it was triggered from childhood wounds. Either way, I won't date an avoidant, again. It's too toxic... even for secure people.

[cagedweller]

What you said about the sickening mixture of intolerable "rage, grief and panic".. you were so spot on, sad it's so common because it can lead people to make extreme mistakes they can't undo and blame themselves forever and ever

[johnpluta]

Emotional neglect applies to Avoidant Attachment style. Abandonment Wounds that are so deep inside my heart. No one has any idea of how bad it was in the 1980s for me.

[frankydottir]

I read somewhere that children need to hear from parents 'i love you' every day. So i started doing this to my son. First it felt very strange, because needless to say, i never had it myself. But then i started to get used to it and i loved it. I say it in all different ways to my son, looking into his eyes. So he gets used to this and gravitates towards it in adulthood. It really is something you learn, like a different language. I used to believe that anything related to psychology is set, but it's not. We are flexible human beings and can learn and unlearn our behaviour. I read that it takes approximately 7 days to break a habit (by substituting it to something else) Our behaviour IS a habit essentially.

[sar.c]

this one really hit home 🥺 I think the hardest part, personally, is how avoidant partner’s exaggerated reactions like blocking, leaving for months with no word etc. at discomfort to display of emotion by an anxious partner is like pouring gasoline on intense childhood guilt (that definitely needs to be worked through) that if we had just done something different or not been the way we are, we wouldn’t have been left or neglected the way we were. It can send the anxious person into a spiral of basically their own personal hell where the only thing you can hear (if you stop chasing the avoidant person and listen) is: It was all your fault. Chasing the avoidant person is running away from that ingrained existential fear – it can keep you on the run forever to change a story the avoidant person, ironically, keeps confirming unless and until things are done differently on BOTH sides. What I am learning is that when I stand in that place and face the fears, I begin to learn that this story was never true. I can stop running. The issue is getting my nervous system to adjust, and that takes time and persistent reminders from sources like this to overwrite the default story built-in to the self-concept at such an early age.

[tamarafaurot]

I’ve spent my entire life (I’m 65) in and out of relationships, all of which were unhealthy and unsuccessful. I grew up being ignored, put down constantly. I learned early on that the way I was, was not good enough. Long story short, I see no reason whatsoever to be in any kind of relationship. What for? To load up on daily pain and angst? A happy family is all I ever wanted until I realized I have no idea what that looks like. Same with a good man—what does a good one look like or sound like? I have no idea. So I’ve come to the decision that none of them that I’d pick have anything I want or need. So it’s just me and my dog.

[lilafeldman]

I was always anxious and avoidant, since childhood. I know what it's like to be the kid that securely attached kids never wanted to bother with.

[SK-nopp]

codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.
People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building yourself internally. I recommend reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, and the concepts really were eye opening for me. I understood how I contributed to the dysfunction in the name of empath and love. Love is free and unconditional. Even if you moved a million miles away and blocked him/her, you CAN still love him. But you realize the relationship isn’t healthy or stable. All you can do is take good care of your heart, and give your energy to those who fully see you.

[dinahsoar]

Oh my...those two attachment styles: that's me and my husband...I'm the anxious, he's the avoidant...married 54 years this month. I FINALLY realized when I was 50, what was going on, and changed the 'dance' which caused a LOT of drama...the next 2 decades were rough but I learned how to deal with him..I do believe he may be clinical narcissistic personality disordered, but very low level..we did marriage counseling and he didn't really engage, but he did take an empathy test and he didn't even make it onto the scale..he was below 1...I knew he was not empathetic and I was an empath ...once I realized he was avoidant I learned how to 'get through' to him on some levels..he was abandonded by his mother when he was 5 and his father allowed him to believe she was a bad person..never told him that, but let him think that...he never reconciled with his mother but his sister and 2 brothers, all older than he, did..they seemed to be much healthier people emotionally. He has come a long way and one thing that helped was when he got saved...the problem then, though, became that he was what I call cultish..he was attracted to dictatorial churches and pastors that focused on God's judgement vs God's grace..since then he's had some personal failures and now he is not as harsh, but prob only b/c he's done the same...still harsh in other areas..I choose to extend grace to him and show him unconditional love, but no longer allow him to bully me with his passive aggressive behaviors..he knows he can't manipulate me..he 'needs' a lot of attention and praise and gets that from other places...we make it work. NOT easy..and I'd advise anyone who is young to avoid this kind of relationship, to get out if you can and not think the person will change or that you can change him/her...you can't if they have the npd behaviors that my husband has.

[vintagelillady]

Dating an avoidment helped me learn about attachment styles, I always felt the push/pull with him. I was always feeling anxious waiting for his texts and when he would text back I would feel a release of endorphins. I dated him for a few months and felt it was time to ask the what are we question. To my surprise, he ghosted me. It hurt so bad but I refused to reach out to him after that question because it's already hard enough for me to be vulnerable. 5 months later I run into him and we had small talk like nothing happened, it's probably the 'cool girl' persona I was using. We started going on dates again only this time my anxiety was worse than before because I didn't know if he was going to ghost me again and I had grown attached to him already. We had a date and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did and no response from him. I didn't hear from him for a few days and when he texted me I immediately told him I needed to cut things off with him, it was the abandonment melange talking. A few weeks later I almost texted him apologizing but I knew right then and there that I would be emotionally abusive and I had to stick with what I did. This lesson lead me to my healing journey. Even though I miss him, I know it was for the best for the both of us.