My husband feels ATTACKED when I share my FEELINGS

What do we do when people still feel attacked when we share our feelings about our marriage? We remember, we can't change them, we can't communicate for them, we can't force them to be an emotionally safe person for us, we can't force them to learn and practice vulnerability and empathy and trust. We can control how we bring up hurts and complaints and we can enforce appropriate boundaries when someone shows us that they aren't capable of listening to our vulnerability without using it against us.

#marriageadvice #emotionalneglect #wife

Marriage is all about commitment and faithfulness and trust and connection and friendship and intimacy. Are you prioritizing those in your relationship? If not, there's really no point in even getting married. That is how we HAVE a great marriage. That is what LOVE requires of us. They aren't add on's. They are essential to a healthy marriage. You can stay together, but the presence of respect and emotional safety and closeness and playfulness is what makes a relationship thrive. And it's possible for you!

[omgcarsonnn]

You never will feel more powerless than when you’re trying to explain to your partner that they’ve hurt you and they still don’t understand

[keithcharles]

So true. I had to employe a 3rd person to act as a trainer, mediator and translator. She was able to translate my wife’s language into words I could understand. Then after the joint session another session to help me with my stuck places. It was hell. My emotional filters were twisting every emotional message my wife tried to deliver. No matter how careful she was all I heard was an attack and that I’m not enough. My filters twisted everything to line up with my core beliefs. I could not hear her heart. In session she might say the sky is blue, I would argue fiercely that she said the sky is green. Therapist would confirm, “Keith, she said blue”. That was a real eye opener to see how corrupted my operating system was. Took years to dig out of that mess. I had the emotional maturity of a 3 to 5 year old. All in an adult body.

[LadieBjj]

The worse when the person, man or woman see you getting upset and they walk away. The resentment grows so much that we don’t even feel like having any contact. If your woman isn’t touching you, she has resentment built up.

[wordswithyoda]

Minute 4:20 “The mature person asks…Why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me?”
Minute 5:40 “Are you comfortable staying in a relationship where someone doesn’t care to meet your legitimate needs?”
This entire video is spot on.

[StephanieP-ieun]

In our relationship, 1. I tell him my needs 2. He feels attacked 3. He invalidates me 4. I shutdown and tell him this isn’t working/please leave 5. He comes back hours later trying to meet my needs/promising to go to counseling
6. We are great for 6-8 weeks 7. Repeat cycle

[AprilSunshine]

"You're already alone in this relationship"
Wow. Hit the nail on the head. 😔

[scottbryan]

I’ve been struggling with this exact thing for a long time. My wife will try to communicate her feelings and needs to me and all I hear and is jabs. It’s painful to be trying so hard to mend our relationship and every time we talk about something we get nowhere because I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I started in therapy and have been watching your videos trying desperately to find my way and break through this major barrier in our marriage.

[jaybrysheehi]

After 20 year's of trying to express this to my husband he finally understands. You helped us break emotional walls we both built. I never blamed him in 20 year's. We always had the love but now we have the ability to communicate. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. ❤

[debrallewis]

These advice is golden…not just for romantic relationships but also between adult children and their parents. Thank you.

[rachelp]

The fact that I have to play this audio very low is so saddening. I don't want a fight, I want a marriage.

[brendadesmond]

I remember when I told my husband it hurts me that he is maintaining a friendship with the woman he cheated on me with and he reacted by walking away from me with a shoulder shrug. This was at a time we were suppose to be working on our marriage after he had the affair. This reaction was the beginning of the end.

[TayaCmiller]

Thank you for helping me realize this relationship is going anywhere. A lot has happened over a decade of fighting but today was an eye opener. I had a diagnostic mammogram, an ultrasound, and scheduled a biopsy. I took a Lyft to and from the radiology place cause he didn’t want to be bothered. When I came back, he didn’t ask how it went or how I felt. I even texted while at the doctor’s office to let them know they might have to do an ultrasound. Nothing. No replies In text or in person while checking out of the hotel or the drive home. Know your worth. I deserve more.

[Hopespringseternal]

I had this discussion with him yesterday. I asked him to please focus on my feelings with compassion (since he actually did something big to hurt me, little things don’t need addressing), instead on focusing on HIS feelings of his wrongdoing and guilt. His face changed and softened. I was almost in shock! I was so proud of him for this, and will continue to tell him how proud of him I am of all the great things he does. I used to emasculate without even knowing, and prayed (pray) that God shows me when I do. Always easier to point fingers, and while he’s the bigger problem, I can change for the better to be a more supportive wife without being a doormat.

[combsaj]

I’ve worked through the truth of this. I lived in victim mode for many years, but finally took accountability for my co dependency, developed a voice and started to ask clear, difficult questions in a vulnerable way. The answers hurt like hell, but having the truth I had experienced for so long finally out in the open was freeing. I finally stopped trying to change him and accepted the death of our marriage. I asked for him to join me in rebuilding it but he was unwilling. I had the answers I needed to lay it down and walk away. I’m still working on my codependency and anxious attachment style and will continue to take accountability and improve. That’s my job and sure, I’m anxious about how my next relationship will go… but I’m finally healed enough to be grateful for my growth.

[Wanderlustful]

As a person in that exact pursuer/avoided relationship, I used the communication techniques (when this happens, I feel xyz), but my partner still feels attacked, deflects, or continues to avoid. I am starting to also avoid. I can see that this relationship is unhealthy and and I am on a path of self-healing and focusing on myself.

[hopefowler]

Thank you. You explained 8 of my 8.5 years of marriage, trued everything to make it work, felt so alone. He was supposed to be my forever so I wanted it to work so badly, tried and begged him for years to connect with me and work through even the smallest things…got nothing but stonewalling and “you’re the one with the problem”. Finally decided I’m worth more than this, divorce in progress. Thank you for your content😊

[JujuBonez]

“Wanting to be close to someone doesn’t make you needy it makes you human” 🥹 I needed to hear that.

[yaxairarodriguez]

I have tried everything. Counseling, self reflection, reading books, addressing things with I feel when you do this and my spouse checks off all those negative traits. I am trying to leave and cut the cord. Trauma bonding is rough 😢😢😢 Almost 20 years. I am not okay being in this relationship anymore. I've put up with this for too many years and it gets worse not better. Ty for all you do.

[keennickolas]

I always had to tell that to people in my life:
"If I am the only one fighting for this relationship, then we have already lost!"

I know, it IS possible to rebuild! But it needs BOTH PEOPLE!

[queenprotein]

Your ability to break things down and explain things plainly is remarkable. You empathize and make people accountable at the same time. You help me put words to my hurts and it has given me strength to move away from those that aren’t good for me. God bless you❤