Dismissive avoidant: Should I reach out to my dismissive avoidant ex first after no contact?

In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin answers the question, should I reach out to my dismissive avoidant ex first after no contact?

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#dismissiveavoidant #coachcourt #breakups #healing

[Nani]

Thank you! Your advice actually helped me! I was following the advice of other coaches who were getting thousands of views and realised it wasn’t doing anything beneficial for my situation as my partner is avoidant. I was wasting so much time so as soon as I saw your videos I did what you said and it worked at getting him to open up.

[coltenangles]

From my anxious attachment, I was discarded. I've reached out to therapist, I've reached out to coaches to guide me what to do. My partner was a DA. She broke things off with me because she said it was too perfect and that I deserved someone who could give me the world. I only want her. Even though it's been a week since she's left me... she's un added me on everything, etc... I went from living with her and helping out with her kids etc... I didn't just lose the love of my life. I lost bonus children who I thought of as my own and the reason I lost it was because she felt loved. My brain will never be able to cope with that thought. I lost her because of trauma from her past that I would've sat through hell to help her cope with, stuff I didn't even cause, but still would've held her hand through it all as we worked through it.

[SpicyLunarDust]

NEVER reach out to a dismissive avoidant..! Especially if they were the ones that broke up with you. All you will be doing is continuing the same cycle of no Communication, no empathy, and no willingness to open up and let you into their lives. People I KNOW how hard and painful it is, but this person is not the person you have in your mind. You cannot have a loving, healthy relationship with someone who is incapable of being intimate, communicating, and being present with their emotions. It hurts me to say it because I’m right there with you, but this is just a black hole that will continue to absorb your happiness. You MUST move on and find someone that WANTS to work on life with you..

[razankalifa]

the relationship with DA is very complicated..my advice don't reach out until they reached you no matter what..

[testtest]

NEVER reach out!!! NEVER!!!! They will break your heart all over again. In fact, expect at some point they will reach out to you and BLOCK them for good! If you don’t do this, your heart will have so much pain and agony when he rejects you all over again.

[smonaful]

The avoidant is avoidant inside the relationship. And then they are avoidant outside the relationship. How are they ever going to start healing unless they take the leap of faith? They know how much you love them and they also know how much they don't allow love in. If i reach out i am enabling their fears and that's why they never change and the relationship never evolve and grow either

[ronzy]

I think I will reach out after I'm completely healed so when he acts a fool again it won't affect me that much

[donkndave]

Absolutely, positively, DO NOT reach out to an ex DA that broke up with you. WHY? Because you were the one that had to initiate everything in the first place, and this is a continuation of the same cycle. " If you keep doing what you've always done, with will get what you have always gotten". You will simply reinforce the power struggle that existed before and this will continue, with you becoming more anxious and stressed. The idea is for you to become a Secure, not go backwards. Coach, you are dead wrong on this.

[majickmeg]

I feel like it’s always best to let them reach out first… they’re so moody that if you do it too early they’ll get mad

[Flufero]

If you want to constantly be in a state of insecurity and confusion, then reach out. Unless they do the work to heal, the relationship with only repeat itself. They need to take accountability and do the work.. Are they willing to go to therapy? If not, move on.

[junelee]

I reached out and he was v responsive but then revealed I still cared for him and his attitude totally changed. To DA i think its best to treat them like they are nothing otherwise they lose respect

[mariachiingles]

my heart also wants pancakes with nutella every day. What my heart wants is not always wise or healthy in the long term. Contacting a dumper DA after 2-3 months increases the chances of getting back together, but also the chances of them doing it again and expecting you to fix it.

[akuasalaam]

You just gotta leave the table when NO LOVE is being served. DA's will leave you emotionally bankrupt as they give you NOTHING. They are not going to change. Hopefully, one day you will love yourself enough to choose a healthy, fulfilling love. You deserve it!

[mrsimo]

6 months with the ex and it was out of this world. However she ghosted me 3 times and broke my heart each time. I've gone no contact with her and 9 days in. The pain is unreal. But doubt she will be in contact as if I meant anything to her, thought she might reach out. How dumb of me. Love to you all from the UK ❤️

[aryataywade]

I want her but I’m scared man. I’m scared she’s still “involved” with that other guy. I’m scared she’s still in a rebound. I’m scared of being hurt and broken again because of that.

[chinawyte]

Love this - thank you Coach Court. But the issue is, how do you know if they are very afraid/insecure....or just don't want you. The DA I was seeing experienced a horrible trauma of his 5 year love/partner dying in a car accident. My own 5 year partner died suddenly and I have both DA and AP in me (very messy). But I was ready for him and he completely ghosted me after an amazing, beautiful connection (he was like my best friend and the closest thing I've had since my partner died). I'm 46 and have never been ghosted like this after such a connection. Reminded me and triggered me of my partner suddenly dying. I love that you are neutral and can share a DA's side of the story....just don't know if that's my case. Also, beautiful mask collection in the background...I bought some similar ones in Mali.

[susannahpearethcaning]

It sucks that we anxious attached seemingly have to do “all the work” to make something work. It’s exhausting and stressful. However, people are not black and white and I think sometimes that patience is the key here

[Mellie]

Thank you so much! I guess you said what I wanted to hear. Which also coincided with something that was stated in the book "attachment". even though he ghosted me, it stated that a DA sometimes won't make that first contact again. I'm still on the fence but will wait for the 2 month mark.

[dannywholuv]

Its been now 1 year of no contact with my DA ex. We had a good relationship if you put the distancing aside. It finally got to me after 1.5 years and i pushed for answers... Bad idea at the time but i was drunk and desperate for answers.. She dumped me on the spot for analysing her. All she could say was we had nothing in common.. Which i believe was a cop out. She then cut all contact although kept me on social media. I kept no contact

So... No closure. I miss her dearly 😢 should i reach out or would i be ghosted further? Cant help but feel id get ignored or a dismissive response. Thanks

[loria]

I just reached out to my DA ex after 4 months of no contact. I’m FA but still couldn’t get her off my mind no matter how hard I have tried. It’s her birthday weekend so I know she is likely to not respond any time soon. I know her well enough to know she will take days if not weeks to respond. When we dated she could go a week before she texted me back because she needed her time. I severed ties with her by saying “this shit is dead your best bet is not to contact me again moving forward”. If someone said something like that to me I would never reach back out regardless of if I was in the wrong. I also did something spiteful as well which she might or might not know about.

Anyways I’m happy I reached out so that I can get some closure. The ball has been in my court this whole time and I didn’t even realize it because I was waiting for her to reach out. If she responds positively that’s one thing, if she responds negatively or not at all then I can finally reach that point where I can close the door behind this relationship and move on.

Update:
she reached responded 9 days later asking what do I propose. I had messaged her to see if we could salvage a connection of some sort at some point. I responded with an answer and she hasn’t responded yet. It’s been 6 days. But at this point I don’t care if she responds I realize how happy I am with my life and it’s great with or without her in it.