The passive aggressive cycle in relationships

Complete transcript:
The passive aggressive cycle in relationships.
Partner 1: Are you gonna sit there on your phone all day watching me do everything?
Partner 2: Ugh here we go!
Partner 1: I just wish you could see me doing things and not make me have to beg you go help out.
Partner 2: And I just wish you didn't always complain about me. Why are you even with me?
Partner 1: Actually I don't know. Considering I do most of the things here myself.
Both: Ugh

[caddieohm]

That's what you turn into when you've asked for months and years and nothing happened

[SarmHart]

My passive aggression comes from an inability to vulnerably share my needs and frustrations so they just build up into resentment towards them and myself. There’s definitely a lot of reasons why people are passive aggressive but, I want to put out more loving communication towards myself and to other people. The first step is realizing that I need to change too but also knowing it doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love. I am stepping out of old patterns and programming and learning new ways to live.

[SongsbyCharleneApril]

That is the WORST kind of relationship! I have been there! Now I have a great Man that helps with chores and finances, it’s a game changer.
Sadly there’s no way to know if someone is going to share the chores and mundane daily tasks until you are entangled with the person and then it’s much harder to get out of the situation.

[thinkrofficial]

My therapist told me this and I think it really helped me with understanding both sides here:
If we could, we would.

A lot of people struggle to understand that some genuinely struggle with getting tasks done. Now, that isn’t an excuse, but it does help to understand why these things are happening. Most conflict arises from misunderstanding intentions. Just be kind and remind yourself that your partner is also just trying to cope with their own stuff. I’m sure there’s a way to figure out how to get more stuff done on their end.

[factenter]

"We shouldn't have to ask or tell each other"
"Yes, actually sometimes we do."

[adiscourse]

None of this conversation was passive aggressive by my perception. One person said she saw the other doing nothing and let that person know how it bothered her. The other person made it seem like she had the right to do nothing and it should be no big deal.

Passive aggression is
Like: “Must be nice to sit and watch someone else work while you do nothing but watch! Clearly I’m here to be your servant” And: “Must be nice to interrupt someone’s down time with chores that we didn’t agree to work on together, so you can move into your favourite position as martyr!”

[Pickles]

This is my relationship right now and he turns it on me every single time. I have therapy for my knee because I was injured due to a bad fall where my knee twisted. I'm also starting therapy for my wrists and may need surgery. But here I am doing all the cleaning, cooking, and heavy lifting (literally).

People say moving out, as if it's easy. As if everything isn't 3x more expensive than your income and places want you making 3x the rent. Lol. I'd have to make at least 6-7k a month since rent here is about or a bit over 2k for a 1 bedroom. Never mind that I have 2 kids. But I'm going to escape with them eventually.

I'm making moves! Don't stay stuck yall.

[Vic-jwvb]

Please look up the passive agressive Martyrdom complex. I have this every day. My boyfriend goes around finishing all the chores I start and keeps doing other chores all day but does not acknowledge anyone elses chores done. He does not speak except to list each chore he is doing, passive aggressively makes us all feel guilty for not doing as much as him so that at 7pm he disappears and drinks alcohol or goes iinto his man cave as if he has deserved to be rewarded by avoiding intimacy for all the work he has done. We are left feeling helpless and alone every day. There is no connection just a point scoring game in the house. I need to leave it is so depressing....

[neuroqueercoach]

Yeah my reaction to someone furiously and passive aggressively cleaning is to freeze. I have this weird but intense instinct to wait to clean or do things till no one can see me, so this would send me into full blown panic, ngl.

[katherineparsons]

I’m a SAHM and sometimes it gets overwhelming because it feels like I’m always “on” and never get a day off, because I don’t really. Sometimes I get upset like this when I have teenage boys who will pile trash in the trash can instead of just taking the bag out and replacing it, or a husband who takes his socks off and throws them around and then never gets them to a laundry basket so I’m constantly finding socks just everywhere.. just a few examples 😂😂

[amyn]

A great example of "it's not what you say, its how you say it".

[AmbulatoryFungus]

I notice a lot of times when people say they "always ask" and then you see a demonstration of how they "ask" its not asking, its condescending and or ambiguous. Or they ask for help and then pick at the way the person helps because they cant handle something being done differently.

[smania]

One thing my husband and I have learned is we both need to be calm during these types of conversations and even more sensitive ones. If either one of us gets worked up, it's pointless and evolves into us both beeing upset.

We've both become much more emotionally mature because of this. We also make sure to provide examples of the behavior we don't appreciate and what we'd like to see.

After many difficult conversations, we've worked out the house and yard management fairly well. We also ask the other if they need help more or just start to help with some things.

One thing both men and women need to understand is clutter and mess generally impacts women to a greater degree. Women can feel anxiety, stress, and depression from clutter and mess. If your woman seems anxious, stressed, or depressed more often then usual, look around the house. Does it seem messy or cluttered? If yes, pick it up a bit. Your woman will be very happy. And for women, if your man isn't doing enough, ask for help nicely. But, also take into consideration what he does do. If he's been out mowing the lawn and doing yardwork for hours, leave him be for a bit. Let him relax, then ask for help.

[fridaybird]

No need to complain just do what u can. The moment you feel exhausted just leave everything and rest.

[BadgerBabyBoy]

"You are the problem, you're always complaining"
Gaslighting 101

[ViralVibes_]

Don't know we all have our own time. We do not need to do chores when some tell us to do it and make us feel guilty when they start without us. When someone says I want to rest first, then we need to trust eachother and let the person do it lather. We all work during the day also.

[jennadee]

This is not passive aggressive communication. In my opinion, it’s just aggressive. Neither “person” was communicating to connect or understand one another.

I know this was meant to illustrate a “cycle” but it wasn’t a good representation of a passive aggressive cycle. My mother would stomp around the house while cleaning wordlessly - sighing, moaning, mumbling to herself, slamming doors, etc. while I was doing homework.

My Dad would walk in from work & she’d say she was too tired to cook because “no one around here will help me with a damn thing - I’m just a maid & cook to you and the kid. You both can have cereal for dinner. I’m going to bed!”

All she had to do was ask for help & both of us would’ve helped clean or cooked dinner after we took care of our other responsibilities, 🤦🏻‍♀️

[SweetieHerself]

People need to realize how to ask for help and be pleasant to work with

[riasylla]

Things were starting to get this way in my relationship
But then I sat down and very calmly and firmly told my fiance how it makes me feel when I have to do everything around the house and that I need him to step up more. Ever since then, he has. It's not that he's taken over every thing. I don't want him to. There are a lot of household duties that I just simply enjoy doing myself. But when I ask him for help, he does it happily. And we don't have any more tension between us.
Communication really is important.

[theoriginal]

P2 "I just wish that you could use adult communication, since you have a 43 year old adult human body. That would include using words, and asking for what you want or Of storming around all the time assuming that I would just know, or that I'm on the same wavelength and want to be doing the same things at the same time as you!" Works for partners, or child to parent