How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior (Part 1) - Terri Cole

Are you able to directly express your anger? When your partner does something that hurts you, do you tell them directly or do you avoid the conflict but act sullen and withdrawn to communicate your displeasure?

Passive aggressive behavior is an attempt at conflict resolution that doesn't effectively resolve the conflict. The term passive aggressive essentially means communicating dissatisfaction or unhappiness about something in an indirect way. Although we’ve heard the term used on television or in films for years, few people truly understand what it means or the negative impact this behavior has on relationships.

Some people develop this ineffective style of problem solving behavior as a direct result of growing up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to speak truthfully, where there might have been strict rules and harsh judgment and/or no healthy model of assertiveness (which is the ideal compromise between aggression and passivity). Children in these scenarios learn to stuff their anger down. It doesn't mean they don't get angry, it just means that they don't directly express that anger, and without intervention most will carry these behaviors into adulthood. This can create toxic relationships because real communication is being blocked.

In this week’s video, I cover:
What Passive Aggressive Behavior Looks Like
Why People Become Passive Aggressive
The Cycle of Passive Aggressive Behavior
How to Stop the Cycle of Passive Aggressive Relationship Interaction

Drop me a comment and let me know what resonated with you.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:50 - What is passive aggressive behavior?
2:40 - The origin of passive aggressive behavior
5:00 - The five stages of passive aggressive cycles
11:30 - A personal example of passive aggressive from my marriage and how I resolved it

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ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

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[serarthurdayne]

Jesus, I have a big problem with this and with being sarcastic and agreeing to things and then being resentful. Thanks for the video.

[arhammonds]

"Passive aggressive behavior is a method of conflict resolution that doesn't acutually solve conflict." Wow. I'm already hooked in the first minute of this video. Can't wait to learn more...

[deborahtchester]

You read me like a book. This is something that I have developed because of my upbringing. Communicating my negative feelings or even ideas I know my family members wouldn't agree with is something I was never able to do freely so I buried them inside and they oozed out in other ways. I would see passive aggression manifesting in my relationships and even had a good friend call me out on it once! I am so glad I am in currently in a stage of self awareness, healing and breaking free. I am learning to be bold and express my authentic feelings and being proud of my thoughts and ideas even if my loved ones don't agree with me.

[lydian]

Thank you so much for this. I just realized that I’m passive aggressive and I knew I had a problem by not telling my partner how I feel about things especially things that make me so angry but listening to you just makes me feel better because knowing the problem means I can know where to start changing from. I was literally going to break up with my boyfriend but now I know how I can try to make things better. Thank you thank you thank you

[patrickdorian]

My name is Patrick 56 year old male, I know that you are focused on helping woman but I am telling you plenty of men like me could benefit plenty from listening to you. Just started listening to you and you have already began to save my relationship with my fiance and put me on a path of life transformation. I never understood what I was doing wrong or how to change. Thank you please start videos exclusively for men
You are so genuine, motherly( like a mother I would love to have)and down to earth not self righteous. Thank you you will never know the full extent how you are helping. Just bought your boundary boss workbook. Never know how to say no but this will help I'm sure. Thank you again

[emmakay]

"I know what I am doing no more" was one of the most powerful statements on this topic I heave ever heard. Thank you.

[bellakrinkle]

I had NO voice in childhood; this vid is extremely helpful. Thank you zillions.

[SeekingDove]

Wow...I knew I had a problem with passive aggressive behavior but now I UNDERSTAND why. Thank you. So glad to be on the right path to healing. 💗

[manuelaherrera]

Great vid. I feel like ghosting is one of those super passive aggressive behaviors.

[marcochan]

It's really kind of you to educate us passive aggressive immature folks. Life changing videos

[christinebuckingham]

This resolution works wonderfully between two relatively “normal” people. This method of resolution doesn’t quite apply between the dynamics between a narcissist and either a “normal” or co-dependent partner. Speaking one’s true feelings and needs within the relationship often meets with “punishment” of one type or another. A narcissist does not want or need a cooperative and mutually compatible relationship - they want to get only their own needs met. If one “dares” to make their feelings or needs known, one will not gain understanding and cooperative compromises. The one who is partnered with a narcissist, will meet with ridicule, outrage, silence, projection, etc. Some resort to passive aggressive behavior to survive the narcissist. Some of us just became ever more placating to them and as a result just sad and confused. This video is great for “normal” partners, but needs a disclaimer for those involved with a narcissist. Been there, done that, seeing clearly and now free and still healing and understanding it all.

[jollysue]

This made me feel so much better. I’m ready for the change for myself and my relationships.

[antonioperez]

OMG, I had no idea that was the reason why I would almost make us late. This is it! WOW! It's crazy how the subconscious mind works.

[GemstoneQuality]

I am dealing with passive aggression from a higher up at work, we will have 2 weeks and everything is wonderful everyone is doing a great job and then once the expressions soft insults begin, etc, etc. I feel it to be very toxic and insidious. At times I don't have the energy to deal with it, it is constant and it comes out of nowhere.

[anaisminto]

Wow! This is jaw dropping information and so empowering ! I always wondered what crazy repetitive and twisting thing was going on. My partner is exactly like that, not expressing anger in a direct way, but steering up situations, being provocative so that I finally explode, or by being sarcastic and even mean. I on the other hand am easily shut down by an aggressive tone and try to express my anger the best I can. But this hits a wall and is perceived as being critical or even dismissed in a gas lighting way. So that I become reclusive, which is a slippery road towards being passiv aggressive myself. Oh my, so much clarity at once is freeing and frightening at the same time. Thank you Terri for sharing your personal experience. This makes it even more clear and approachable.

[Hyperfocused_Squirrel]

I'm a foster mama who focuses my love by working with youth. I have been needing a way of explaining passive aggressive behaviours to them, this video is perfect. It breaks it down clean and simple. Love the facial expressions used as descriptors they are spot on.

[Sundertalesz]

I've recently paid attention to my behaviors and notice that I've been pretty passive aggressive towards my partner. You are right about the households passive aggressive people tend to be raised in. As a child and until just recently, i had always been afraid to confront my parents and siblings because often i would be metaphorically bitten for my feelings and opinions. As a result, i shut my mouth and let my opinions simmer inside until they eventually would slither out in a passive aggressive snide remark or sarcasm. I notive its effects on my partner (insecurity, and always self conscious) and I want to change! I cant bear the pain i'm causing him or my siblings at times and I thank you for this very helpful video, you go very in depth about a topic not many have covered.

[marvinasimswewinqueendom]

I never understood how passive aggressiveness works. Thank you thank you thank for breaking it down sooo clearly. Another empowering video to give confidence in being in a healthy relationship

[tegtego]

Thank you so much I finally have a name for what I've been doing and examples of how to change my behavior

[JfelineLove]

This story was so insightful. Thanks for explaining this so clearly. I never fully understood what it meant to act passive aggressively.