How to Gently Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Comments - Including your Own! - Terri Cole

Have you ever been in a situation with someone where they're angry but they don't use words? Instead, they roll their eyes, stomp around, maybe slam a door?

Or, you might be the one that's acting out in this way. Someone asks you if you're angry or upset (you are), and you say "no," but then you slam around the kitchen or loudly sigh (or mutter to yourself) your way through dinner prep.

If these scenarios resonate with you, I invite you to watch this week's video, because I'm going to teach you about how to gracefully shut down passive aggressive comments and behaviors (even if they are yours).

What is passive aggressive communication? Passive-aggressive communication, simply put, is indirect communication.

Basically, it’s you (or others in your life) trying to express a feeling without directly owning it, without saying it.

If this is you, it’s ok. Passive aggressive behavior is extremely common, and I’ve got tips to help you communicate more effectively so that you can express yourself authentically, get your needs met and dramatically improve the quality of your relationships and interactions.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
1:03 - What is passive-aggressive communication and why it's ineffective
5:50 - Lateness as a form of passive-aggression (time boundaries)
9:55 - Experimenting with a different dance (personal example)
16:50 - Tips to shut down passive-aggressive comments

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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

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#communicationskills #relationshiptips #passiveaggressive

[singinglawnchair]

Thanks for this video. I don't do passive aggressive shit after living and dealing with manipulative friends and family members for almost 30 years. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells or feeling anxious and feeling like I have to psychoanalyze what the person is feeling all the time because they don't want to talk and be upfront and try to handle things like a grown-up. I'm not doing this shit anymore.

Found you through Jayson Gaddis' podcast... you're doing some marvelous work.

[nitya]

I absolutely 'loathe' passive-aggressive people who communicate in sneaky and hideous ways. You can never have direct and honest communication with them like an adult. Communication to them means sarcasm, taunting, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. I 've been dealing with these sort of idiots since my childhood(my family has a bunch of crazy covert narcissists) and now at 33, I just don't have the patience to be gentle with these douchebags. I always give people 3 chances to back off and respect my space and my boundary. The fourth time they repeat their mistake, I unleash my repressed rage on them. If you ask me, habitual boundary bullies deserve public humiliation. They MUST be called out for their shitty ways in full public view. They are devils in disguise and there is no need to be polite to them.

[anushanarayanan]

"Questions the questioner's question." This is sound advice for uncomfortably personal conversations at work with people that we don't want to personally connect with. It gives the questioner a moment to rethink their question and kind of step away from this dance of aggression and helplessness. Really practical advice for work/life. Thank you Terri & yes I did listen to your podcast a few months ago - this was a good reminder.

[elainelee]

I have noticed a lot of times, I didn’t realize someone’s behavior is passive aggressive until much later, sometimes, it takes several rounds of interactions for me to realize that person targeted me. What brought me to attention usually is a general strange feeling when I recall the interaction sometime later. Once I figured out that person picked on me, I would distance myself. But I have problem to catch the signs earlier on.

[adimeter]

I love your mature response. I love your clear, around the bar story telling style. I did not want it to end as I found myself hanging onto every word. Thank you.

[dpizzle]

I am a guy and I just want to say I really enjoy your videos. I watch them to better myself, my relationship with my wife and to model good behavior for my children. You are great!

[violetsteele]

I dont always think someone being late is underlying passive aggression but more like superb poor time management, so i'd tell them 1 hr in advance to get them on time.

[abbykoop]

Wow. That explains a lot. My ex-boyfriend used to show up late to my place a lot. I found it disrespectful of my time and told him so...which solved nothing. I also suggested that I got a sense he was angry when he'd come over, even though he acted upbeat and denied it. He was the type that sweeps everything under the rug and tries to be "happy" 100% of the time. Now I totally get it. (I also recognized times when I have not spoken my truth as well) Thanks for helping us figure some of this stuff out!

[wylldgypsyrose]

Awesome & timely content Terri. I have one woman at work who likes to make snipers at me where no one else can over hear, then she beats a hasty retreat. She had me thinking I was just being petty until she pulled one of these stunts & there happened to be another coworker present. She made a very brisk exit that day. My coworker looked absolutely stunned & confused at the whole encounter. I looked back at her & asked "I'm not imagining any of that attitude am I?" I am lost with how to handle this woman & her sneak attacks. Help

[alleycatalog]

No, I say I am angry as I stomp around and slam doors.

[FaithfulandTrue]

I hate being late, was always late but learning to get better. Lifetime of abuse causes a neural pathways of disregulation - it's like suddenly wearing a snorkel mask, being in a bubble, with visual impairment and chaotic thoughts screaming in your head - your hands don't work properly, you can't use logic or think straight and your heart races panicking "I'm going to be late BUT I've not done enough, don't look right, have forgotten something I or the children need..." this from a lifetime of being treated like we are "less than a nothing" no matter how much we do or cope with its never enough.
The dread of the tirade of abuse on arrival eventually infiltrates every appointment we leave for. Lambs to the slaughter is all we've known - physically shaking as I type. We don't intend to be late we've been trained into conflict panic that disregulates us. Obv there are people who 'make you wait' that's a different animal. No contact from toxic abusers is the only way to begin healing and set new neural pathways for punctuality! ❤️🙏

[jessie-]

Literally me coming back to your channel every time I need some advice. And you know what… my husband has been counseling for 30 years but I try my best after 25 years to spare him with my drama at least here and there: 😂 thank you so much. This was incredible . I’m going to work on changing my part of the dance.

[t.l]

Good Sunday morning. This is my first time seeing this video. You are doing the lord's work. I can turn a room into a freezer with my energy. I definitely need to change this immediately while I can think objectively. I'm sooo happy you can conceptualize and explain this.

[yogasouls]

What a great topic to address - real world useful, practical advice there. I had a friend who was ALWAYS late. Like, ridiculously so. We often went for walks together and one time she left me waiting in the woods for an hour and half with my bored daughter and my dogs desperate to go run. I can't believe I used to put up with it. I didn't address is as passive aggressive behaviour at the time but the next time I met her I gave her 15 minutes and then I went for the walk on my own. She stopped doing it after that.

[elizabethlasseigne]

THANK I’ve watched dozens of videos on this topic, and yours is THE BEST! I learned so much. My life will be changed thanks to your wisdom! Blessings to

[TheEmily]

I have just watched three of your passive aggressive vids. Thanks so much for this. I have worked really hard to rid MYSELF of passive aggressive behaviour and am not always successful, but find I am bombarded on a normal basis with other people´s passive aggressive behaviour! The last bit of this video has given me some practical ideas about how to approach someone with PA behaviour, to save time and feelings and so much more. Thank you a million times!

[SNWwte]

Pray's that all the passive aggressive mothers watch this....
Thank you - I can now understand my house mate

[houki]

Problem with me is sometimes I don't react to these comments. Usually friends are angry for me. I tend to just shut down and not answer. I think I just don't see the point in investing in time on these people and how they feel doesn't really impact me. Most of the time, these people just has control issues where they want to force their ways on other people. I mean, if talking to them can change their behaviour, I maybe more willing to put in some effort. But from observing my mum, I can sense when people will just repeat that behaviour when you call them out. With people like these, I just don't bother. I don't know if I'm just too used to suppressing my needs and emotions, that sometimes I feel there are situations I should be angry about and yet I don't. And at the same time I don't want to pretend to, even though I know it is more healthy and me not acting out can cause alot of issues later on. Maybe it has to do with my childhood experience as my mum was like a drama queen and would make issues out of nothing. I just learnt to move away and shut down to stay safe.

[alexblaze]

I have a rule that if I hear “fine” or “nothing’s wrong” when I sincerely ask “What’s wrong?” I refuse to entertain or address the issue later when she finally decides to act like an adult and say what’s on her mind.
Aaaaand, I’m twice divorced.

[thomaspalagyi]

I like this woman's videos, she seems genuine