10 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder Exposure | Effect of BPD on Partners

This video answers the question: Can I discuss the effects of exposure to borderline personality disorder? This question is talking about effects on the partner of somebody with BPD as opposed to the effects of the disorder on the person who has it.
10 signs of BPD exposure

BPD has nine symptom criteria:
1. frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
2. unstable relationship pattern
3. identity disturbance
4. impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging
5. suicidal behavior
6. affective instability
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
9. paranoid ideation or severe dissociation

Ross J, & Babcock J. (2009). Proactive and reactive violence among intimate partner violent men diagnosed with antisocial and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Family Violence, 24(8), 607–617.

Ross J, & Babcock J. (2009). Proactive and reactive violence among intimate partner violent men diagnosed with antisocial and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Family Violence, 24(8), 607–617.

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[bobby]

The never ending testing and devaluation were the hardest for me. There is no worse feeling than knowing you put everything you had into a relationship that wasn't real.

[Hinatafanever]

"Everyone is suffering when BPD is involved"

Yup.

[dboneal]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2008 and the only thing her doc told me was about the black and white thinking. There was never a gray area. We were together for 28 YEARS !!!! I always put up with it cus she was my best friend and always had been. Then about a year and a half ago I finally reached my breaking point when I realized she was doing it to our kids also and she had developed severe anger to go along with everything else. We tried to get her help but it was during COVID and there was no help. So after 28 years I took our kids and left. She tried everything from threatening to kill herself on a daily basis, to wanting to kill me, to crying and pleading for me to return. It ripped me apart but I had to think of my kids. It's a strange feeling to pray with everything you got for your soulmate, whom you have loved your entire life, to find another man. Eventually she did and it was like we didn't exist anymore, only him. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that to me but especially her own children. So I started doing more research on her disorder and now realize she can't help it. Its not an excuse mind you, or change anything. But it did give me some peace. Now I spend all my days and nights focused on our kids and looking after myself (which I neglected forever) while she is living it up with the new guy and they are doing the honeymoon phase thing. After all the abuse for all those years it's just another hammerblow. I'ts ingrained in me not to feel anything for myself in the way of pity and to push my own feelings aside, that's what they do. I wish there had been some type of reward at the end for all the suffering you go through but I am having to realize that having my freedom and not walking on eggshells everyday will have to suffice. I just wish now that I had made the decision to leave a long time ago. I still love her, and hate her. But at least I understand it more. Just wish somebody had told me all this years ago. Anyway, if someone out there is going thru something similar I suggest you find help. Especially with kids involved. My wife wasn't evil or mean like some people think, she is just sick and confused and I hope she can find peace someday.

[justinacosta]

My ex strongly exhibited all 9 symptom criteria. People that have not experienced this type of dynamic relationship truly do not understand the horror.

[Evan_C.]

I feel like he’s talking directly to me. Everything he said applies. I hate BPD, it’s ruined my life.

[ALCRAN]

02:00 Powerlessness.
02:52 Shame and guilt.
03:41 Paranoia(BPD) and hypervigilance(PTSD).
04:20 Disdain from family, for various reasons.
07:16 Ironic fear of abandonment.
07:44 Depression.
08:23 Exposure to legal and mental health systems.
08:53 Reluctance to advocate for one self or seek support.
10:43 Having a breakup backup plan.
11:40 Concern of a violent death.

[JemyM]

I have been out of that loop for three years now. I recognize most of these. Due to my exposure, my own personality have changed. Where I would previously always think the best of people and give everybody a chance, I now cut relations short with borderlines and narcissists upon the first aggression. It was my forgiving and understanding persona that allowed the abuse to go on for so long. Now after shortcutting people immediately if they attack I have been able to understand and feel that the majority of people out there have no need to attack you. People with a healthy empathy, which is actually the majority of people you meet, will never use the manipulative strategies, the entitlement and will never randomly accuse you for things. And I appreciate how adult communication just works and make sense with the majority of people out there.

[shaggyalonso]

You only need to browse the BPDfamily forums for all of 5 minutes to grasp just how much pain and suffering BPD causes to their partners. pwBPD know nothing else, yet they enter the lives of these unsuspecting partners (who've no idea what they're getting themselves into) and introduce a level of pain hitherto not experienced by these partners, which will either scar them irreparably or become a truly life changing event to them, one which ushers in a very scary identity crisis that few other adults who engage in normal relationships have to go through, ever in the lives.

The idealisation, devaluation and discard that comes from being a partner of someone with BPD, whilst not chronically suffered as is the case with the BPD individual, is in of itself almost certainly more acute than anything the BPD sufferer deals with (as their primitive, immature psychological defenses protect them from the sort of painful introspection that their partners are forced to undergo).


It's the partner's ability to take accountability for their own actions, and the pwBPD's inability to take accountability for theirs, which results in the non having to bear the load for two, which is an impossible load to carry, and one that causes endless resentment regarding the pwBPD's refusal to play by the unspoken rules of the relationship that the non had thought was understood by all.


Imagine you'd a child who you loved unconditionally, and this child made your life a living hell and could not be reasoned with, who would say the most hurtful things to you and just not care about the damage they're causing, completely unable to take accountability for their own actions, then finally doing something so heinous to you that you had to give up on them, despite your unconditional love for them remaining as strong as ever in your heart. You never stop loving them, yet you have to step away for both of your good. That is traumatic, and that is the experience that the non goes through thanks to getting involved with a Borderline disordered person.

[realtalk]

I was forever changed by my relationship with someone who had BPD. Psychological torture is really the simplest way I can describe it. Even after multiple rounds with multiple therapists, I still struggle with relationships to this day, especially romantic ones but even with friendship at times.

[jkt-]

I'm a week free of leaving my BPD gf after a little over a year together. I feel like I'm the one with BPD. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if anything she told me was true or not. She is a master manipulator to the point it's scary. She would change from crying no tears to full on anger outbursts in a second.

I was isolated from the people I love. Her episodes were hours long and she would start arguments and then blame it all on me when I would react angrily that we were fighting about nothing. She would follow me from room to room berating me and yelling. She would block me from leaving the house when I tried to escape the argument and get space from her. I would tell her to stop and to leave me alone and she just couldn't. I would try and sleep and she would keep me awake and keep the fight going to the point it made me want to lash out at her.

It's been an absolute nightmare. She called the police during our last fight that she started and that she kept going for 5 hours and that was the catalyst for me leaving. I left with what I could gather and now I'm just trying to find my sanity again. She even tried to get me to go back to her a few days later. Never ever going back.

[jrav]

I had a partner with BPD who never got help for it and she almost killed me. We talk so much about “being there for you partner” if you are not the one with the disorder, yet partners really suffer and now in talks about that. Never again. I am much more cautious and am still recovering after 5 years. Thank you for this post it’s validating and helpful.

[laurie]

My mother has BPD. I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to minimize her moods but it makes me angry that I have to change my behavior around her when she’s the one with the problem. I’ve set very firm boundaries in dealing with her. Thankfully she moved out of state a few years ago and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would cut her out of my life completely if I didn’t feel sorry for her. I recognize that it’s not her fault. Her father was an extreme narcissist. If you have BPD I’m begging you not to have children. It will f them up for life.

[jennyferb.r.h.]

Great video Dr Grande!

I am diagnosed Borderline myself. However, I agree with everything in this video. I have been dating my fiance for about 5 years now (got engaged recently). I got diagnosed in the beginning of our relationship. Due to my conservative catholic family, I had never dated anyone in my life before. That presented many many problems in our relationship: jealousy (extreme one, I'm ashamed to say), abandonment issues, problem prioritizing important activities over my SO.

It was chaos in the beginning (like after the honey moon phase, we were dating for 1.5 years)! My fiance then told me to go see someone because it isn't normal to be that way. Despite feeling all those things intensely, I also agreed. I didn't like being this way. It is completely exhausting. It takes a toll on everybody. Not just the pwBPD.

My fiance had stopped a lot of activities he loved like going to the gym, making music, and what not because it was necessary for him at the time for him to be there with me in order for me to be okay. That is not okay. This isn't healthy. Since my diagnosis I've taken upon myself to try the best I can to get better.

I work with a team that consists of one psychiatrist &one psychologist. One for my meds for borderline (anti-depressant, mood stabilizer) and for my ADHD (stimulants), my psychologist works with me a lot of things through Dialectical Behavioural strategies, grounding exercises and a lot of mindfulness and consideration of all perspectives. I also did an 11-week intensive DBT program that consisted of group therapy twice a week and individual therapy once a week. I learned a lot and I have implemented a lot of that in my day to day life. I have also downloaded a mood tracking application (moodflow, it's free btw) in order to register my pattern's of behaviours and triggers. It's helpful since you're able to choose a mood, a submood, and also write a short (or long if you prefer) note on what happened that made you input that mood. Also you can track your mood throughout the day is not just once a day and it's really helpful.
I am happy to say my partner himself has also seek for help on his own and his mental health has greatly improved. He is more social and he has engaged in activities he loves that he had abandoned due to the depression. Our relationship is based on communication and trust but also compromise. Relationships take work.

My point in writing all of this is to say that a lot of people with borderline personality disorder watching this may have their feelings hurt because they might feel like a 'monster' incapable of love and what not. BUT NO! please, really listen to Dr. Grande. If you don't have these extreme behaviours than this isn't referring to you. If this video somehow resembles your current relationship with your partner then you need to realize that those behaviours are not healthy. You can either choose to get better and salvage your relationship if it matters to you so much, or get healthy and better on your own for your own self, OR just be 'toxic' on your own. (please do not get offended, I am just trying to explain my thought).

I feel like this is a great informative video. It also helps in situation when a safety plan is needed. It's okay to walk away from confrontation to avoid them escalating. If someone threatens you you're allowed to leave. You need to care for yourself as well. If you fall trap to these patterns then you'd be like in this video... Depressed, lack of motivation for life, afraid of being alone, feeling inadequate. Please seek for help or abandon a relationship if it takes such a heavy toll on your health and mental health well-being. If you want this relationship to work that also falls on the pwBPD. they need to know themselves that they need to change and do therapy and be willing to change. If so, there are many resources for couple's therapy though individual therapy would greatly help if things are too violent or too tense for a couple's session to be conducted.

Good luck on everyone.

Once again Dr Grande, congratulations on your amazing content. I'm glad you keep appearing on my recommended!

[internetperson]

I was married to a BPD. She seemed to hate me, but did not like it when I left for work in the morning. She would often start a fight or a crisis to try and prevent me from leaving. Then when I was at work, she would text me constantly trying to get me to come home. Then she began threatening to kill herself while I was at work. A few times, I left work to go home and check on her, which put serious strain on my performance at work. Finally on one occasion when she threatened to kill herself, I called 911 and the police went over. She would not answer the door, so they kicked the door in. She was just laying in bed watching TV. This was only a small fraction of the garbage that went on. I divorced her.

[TwoBassholesandaKaren]

Frantic and desperate efforts to not be abandoned. They have thought out long and hard about how to make it hard to walk away without losing a lot including being seen by common friends and family as the abusive and neglectful partner when you do walk away.

There is also what you loved about the person that keeps you there. I felt like I betrayed the person because ironically there is an odd trust they put in you in order to see the mask slip. One realizes how damaged they are and feel guilt for giving up on them.

I didn’t leave as I did without a lot of thought to my own and his safety. He threatened suicide and a number of other violent scenarios if I left or if I said anything. A lot of what you said in regards to the partner applies to vulnerable narcissists as well.

Thank you for this video as I do not believe many people understand how trapped a person can feel in these relationships if you decide to leave. No matter how much you plan, it is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I understand why people stay. Thank you again for this informative video.

[charq]

Imagine a relationship where the wife has BPD and the husband is narcissistic....it’s true. Talk about a lot of chaos and violence.

[ttrainor]

I got 10 out of 10. I can tell I have my own issues but this confirmed my suspicions. Thank you for the insightful analysis and reasonable interpretation of BPD behaviors and their effects.

[SaltyDogPerformance]

I always had a back up plan for when things got bad. The really bad fights always happened in the middle of the night. I would have to either endure it and stay, or get me and my child out of there in a moments notice. Often times when I would stay after a big fight I would fear falling asleep because I had the fear of being attacked in my sleep resulting in bodily harm or death. Nothing you do can make these people happy. You constantly question your self worth and value. I’ve had my ex and I in counseling and she came out of the season crying in my arms and apologizing for being so messed up and thanking me for continuing to come back and want to be with her for 2.5 years. Within 8 hrs she was back on her crazy accusations and complete devaluation of me. The longer you stay with these individuals the more you emulate their behaviors.

[todhobart]

I lived through this. Actually I should say survived this. I eventually hit a breaking point and I ran full speed from the toxic relationship and never looked back. It was pretty traumatic and I still have some PSD from it. That was 4 years ago.

[alteroccatv]

Brilliant video and of a much needed kind. I work in law (lawyer) and I'd not hesitate to put 50% of crimes and/or domestic problems/divorces down to poor mental health. We need more insight from the likes of yourself about the interaction between mental health sufferers and their Thank you ever so much!!! God bless.