A Narcissist's Passive Aggressive 'Friendly But' Tactics

Narcissists need you to feed them with narcissistic supply, but many (especially the coverts) have learned to be subtle (at least initially) in garnering your allegiance. Dr. Les Carter describes a style of manipulation that he refers to as the passive aggressive "friendly but" pattern. He explains how this works, then discusses your responses.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[rg-mihh]

I cringe whenever someone says "They are so nice." Niceness does not mean goodness. Kids need taught this because most adults don't see through it.

[moebanshee]

Communal narcissistic bullies.. you've just described them perfectly.

[AlwaysStampinVideos]

This is the one. Everybody loves this guy. Everybody loves this gal. They’re the best people you’d ever meet… as long as you don’t have to live with them, depend on them, or be intimately loved by them. They’ll give you the shirt off their back and then talk about you for it behind yours. You’ll feel sorry for them because life just keeps dealing them a bad hand and yet they will repeatedly ask you to play cards with them. And you will because well, remeber how sorry you feel for them… meanwhile they always win at the game… which makes you happy… and yet for some reason you feel like the biggest loser on the planet and you never can quite figure out why. PA’s are smooth. Run.

[SendItForward]

You know how the word "friend" is mostly "fiend" with and r!? That's how I feel about narcissist... they are truly a fiend with a small r thrown in for deception!!!

[cherylduckworth]

They. Can. Not. Be. Wrong. A legend in their own mind

[Mehmet-rwbu]

If someone has virtually no interest in you as a person, is completely ignorant of your goals, and doesn't show the slightest compassion when you have difficulties. I mean, that is basically hatred, isn't it?

[drea]

Their "friendly but" tactics might even include the occasional grand gesture, doing something extra for someone to help them. Then they can point to it as proof that they are "a good person", despite all the toxic things they've done to everybody else in their lives.

[staceypritchett]

I spent 33yrs trying to please a passive aggressive, vulnerable husband. It's been five years since I left. If it had not been for finding you and Dr. Ramani, I'd probably be dead by now!! Thank you!! I was emotionally and physically done. After I left, found out I had cancer lol I'm ok now!! I think though Omg!! He would've never have helped me!! Anyways, TY!! Still listening to you both everyday day to heal from all of those years.

[MissPril]

Oh my gosh 3+years no contact with a mean narc" mother". She texted this morning with a doosy. I felt nothing.. no racing heart, no cold sweats, no anger. Nothing. This is the day I completely healed. Yeah!

[Hatbox]

What freaks me out about narc's is their "hive mind" mentality. Although they're all different, they all have similar tendencies and actions.

[Ivan-bfjx]

The red flags are difficult to see when being under influence of narcissist. It's like being under a spell. I realized what I was in only after being discarted and started educating myself.

[AmyLSacks]

The adage I think of with this kind of person (based on seeing one of the worst in group settings occasionally years after we ended our friendship), "You're safer as their enemy than as their friend." They put on a big show in public of being glad to see you. You have no idea what they're saying behind closed doors, but it's nonetheless a relief not to BE there with them anymore. :/

[sclogse]

The passive is their tolerance of you. You're not off the hook. They're still letting you know they're the final judgement. They going to pick at that plate of you you just served.

[robbisson]

Keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer.

[EvaCFricke]

Looked quiet and nice and even gentle but actually was continually using tactics against me. Covert narcissist.

[lauracoussens]

(After eight years of studying narcissism...) I was in a relationship with a covert MN for 30 years (stay at home mom for 19 years) and was gradually made to feel 100% worthless. I went from being a productive self-starter to not being able to start anything other than meals for the family and doing the dishes (well almost). Being told no for almost everything and that I was wrong (for doing regular life things) for so many years had it's effect and I"m still fighting it over six years after the relationship came apart. I am no contact with him because he's worse than he used to be. No remorse whatsoever. No acknowledgement at all of his worst offenses. Serious parental alienation was also used and now my whole family is estranged. The pain is way beyond words. The CMN acts nice and tells you how good they are wilst mostly telling their supply person how wrong and awful a person they are being. And they have a way of twisting facts that makes your head spin, but LOGIC is seriously lacking in their psyche. They are not authentic humans dealing in reality. They deal in their schemes using their compensating mechanisms. They feign dignity and rightousness, but it's a facade. How do we know when to end the relationship? He ran a Bible study at work and went to church every Sunday! How do we know when it's not OK to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt? For me, it was when he made it clear (in his round a bout way) that my life was in danger at a time when the after effects of his treatment of me built up to the point where I felt incapacitated...everything I did...many items in the house...he had said something negative about or commented on...it was quite haunting in the house for a while after he left under a protection order. I was put into survival mode by someone who lives in survival mode at the expense of others. [After he asked me about my personal documents being in order and how I wanted to be buried and if I wanted to go target practice out back (spread out over weeks...I said no thanks to the target practice.) ...enter being diagnosed with PTSD and Panic Disorder and a clustering panic attack which causes strong adrenaline hits...seconds apart...one right after the other and OMG that causes damage...like a quick stir fry for your inner brain parts...caused my short term memory to be about 3 seconds for a while. Note: All of my memory capabilities are way better now than when I was in that stressful relationship and the PTSD seems to be all but gone..no more flinching at the sound of a drop of a pin or loud noises.] The CMN props you up and pulls the rug out from under you over and over and over and gets satisfaction from it. And that squinty-eyed grin on their face...ugh! They love you to get what they want, including sex, and they hate you like the pain that is deep inside of them making them behave with evil intentions. Trust but verify! Don't get into a relationship with anyone too quickly. Stay informed (seek wisdom) and take care of yourself first so you can be your best to take care of others. Time and wisdom does heal the heart, body and mind. Thank you isn't enough Dr.C. We are so grateful for your time and expertise and sharing and caring enough to make us wiser, healthier and happier. God bless you and yours.

[josephgonzalez]

Narcissists are usually very charismatic people who know how to climb that social status ladder. Some know how to ‘work the crowd’ with their social skills…In the end, we somehow wind up on the losing end.
How does the narcissist develop? Through the school of hard knocks. They’ll claim that they never had it easy, and therefore had to be self-serving and cruel. Always innocent and you, stupid…

[Peace_love]

The thought of not having the ability to learn to become a better person to yourself and to others is a scary thought to me.

[roxymovie]

Friendly from the outside, but a fiend inside, waiting to destroy at any moment.

Their fury always boiljng beyond like the magma inside a vulcano, unpredictable their outburst with lava stream that will burn you first before you will get transformed into stone.

[DJH]

Oh my word. This was the perfect description of my ex. He was also so sneaky. Would withhold info all the time. Took me 25 years to figure out what was happening and seeking out counseling. Thought I was losing my mind. He thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Thank you Dr C and others for such good info. You are helping many many of us that were stuck. He came on as such a goody good Christian. His brother was my pastor. The pastor had many questionable traits as well when I got to know the family. I’m so thankful I got out.