The 4 Stages Of Attachment Healing (Conscious Competency Model)

For all my anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant friends out there - your attachment style is not a life sentence! In this video we'll be using the Conscious Competency learning model to explore what happens when we move from insecure attachment to secure attachment.
Where are you on the journey?

[Kivlor]

Stages:
1. Ignorance (Unconscious Incompetence): Not aware of the "why" of your problems, and not able to identify why you're not getting the results you want. Can know your Attachment Style and still be here, often through projection. "I'm not the problem, my partner is"
2. Awareness (Conscious Incompetence). You're aware you have a problem, you are aware you need new skills to address it. Don't have a firm grasp on the skills you need. You should be focusing on learning where you need the most work, and develop a deeper understanding on where you are going wrong. You'll likely want to skip to stage 3 while in stage 1. Don't.
3. Learning (Conscious Competence): You know what is wrong and how to start fixing it, but you have to make a conscious effort to do it. Eg you know what triggers you, and what you need to do to keep that response under control, but you have to make a conscious effort to do what is necessary. "I'm experiencing a trigger. I'm not going to react the way I feel like I should, I'm going to do this other thing instead"
4. Mastery (Unconscious Competence: The strategies and skills in 3 are now second nature. You are now securely attached. Good job.

[blasiansensation]

Stage 3 here- had an opportunity to blow up yesterday but after concentrating hard to allow the feelings to flow, questioning their origin, & solidifying my commitment to change it worked! I’ll make mistakes in the future but the “no failure just feedback” perspective to these shortcomings will eventually get me to stage 4! I love yall! 🙏🏽

[whiteoaksroad]

This is the EXACT problem I am struggling with: is my relationship safe and I’m just responding with my fearful avoidant strategies inappropriately, or is it actually unsafe? How can we tell the difference? PLEASE DO A VIDEO HELPING US IDENTIFY HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS! I am paralyzed - I can’t tell what time it is and I can’t move because I don’t know if I should keep walking through park and work on not being terrified and hurt at 3pm, or call a cab because it’s 3am and the danger I feel is real I need to get the heck out of here!!

[laurenparnell]

Completely agree that healing insecure attachment style is 1000% worth it. What a quality of life upgrade. I finally feel like I've gotten at the root cause vs. just treating symptoms with therapy and coaching before this. Now I'm ready to go out and conquer my dreams!

[summerjames]

You are meant for this work that you are doing. Thankyou for having committed to your own healing and for sharing your gifts with the world.

Much love !♥️

[theoldaccountthatiusedtous]

I was in stage 2 for so long, and never explicitly recognized that I'd started to believe that my attachment style was going to be that way forever. I started getting serious about how I could make plans to live in the woods with two cats for company and see people once a week. It wasn't until today (three months into stage 3) that I realized... I'm not doomed to be the same forever. It only FELT that way because of how dang slow this process was.

[mitdenken]

I am very thankful for you sharing all of this Information, for encouraging us, for caring for people who are still struggling on their way to healthy relationships and self-compassion.

[wge]

I am in the conscious competence stage, it took me about 3 months to get here. I was just telling my husband that I wish I was faced with an emotional challenge so I could see how I'd react to it and be able to practice regulation. That's sometimes the tricky part - things are good when they're good but if you go too long without practicing a difficult situation, then sometimes you mishandle it when it arises.

Also great point about how getting out can take years. I have to remind myself that constantly when I think I'm healed. It took me years to shape my brain into the unconscious incompetence stage, it's going to take a VERY long time to shape it to a healthy state.

[angelrenee]

This is a wonderful video! I was triggered so bad the other day, and was o the verge of probably ruining my relationship. It took me all night, but I was able simply express how I was feeling, instead of lashing out. And it was well received. This video has given me hope for healing🙌🏾

[coldkittn]

Ugh. This video is exactly what I needed. I've been working on my attachment healing for 6 years now. Somethings have gotten easier and there's always new things coming up.

[charityhair]

Heidi, thank you for taking the time to share this information. You are quite possibly saving my life. I have been so confused about why, no matter what I ‘do’ or achieve, I am deeply unhappy and frustrated, because wholesome and true intimacy seems so elusive. I thought everyone else is getting it, and I am just broken or something. I try so hard to be brave and put myself out there, often only
to get abused, or misunderstood. Thank you for naming my pain. At least now I can start to understand that somehow it IS me causing this, so maybe through understanding myself, I can learn to do something different. Thank you.

[massis]

This is so encouraging. I have a fearful avoidant attachment, and I've come to a point where I've been able to afford continuous therapy. It's exhausting, but I've felt the progress. I'm not there yet, but definitely so much closer than I was 2 years ago when I started. Choosing to heal is the best decision one can make for themselves.

[bef]

I just found your channel. After 3 videos, I have learned more than I did in 2 years of therapy. I am finally ready to move into the Awareness Stage of my anxious attachment healing journey. Thank you

[KWMusic-]

Thank you for making all of these videos. Nobody has ever been able to explain so clearly to me what exactly is going wrong with my relationships/self-confidence and so many other areas of life. Your videos have woken me up to so many things that I've struggled with undersdtanding all of my life. Thank you so much.

[asmitathakur]

Incrediblely knowledgeable therapist!I hv heard several lectures and they hv been transformative to me

Every word reflects the efforts you have taken in gaining the deep knowledge on attache ment styles.
Thanks and keep the good work

[jenniferg]

Your hair looks so pretty. I am struggling after getting clarity. Now I see how my attachment has hurt my son, It's so tough to stand up when you're so tired from scrambling without attachment for my whole life. Now, I am blown away with my b.s. and my son suffered deeply. wtf. Not sure whether to go forward or crawl in to a hole. I appreciate your work. Changed my life. Hope I can get to stage 4 eventually. I will keep watching.

[Jessyvdwalle]

Such an enlightening video. I've been working on my attachment healing a little over two years now, and felt like I was in stage 3 or maybe even stage 4 for most aspects of my life. However I've been having some emotional days due to triggers in a romantic setting, which is a setting that hasn't really been present for most of those 2 years. This video really helped me realise it's not a setback, I can just be okay with the fact that it might take me some time to get to the same level of ease in dealing with these triggers as I am in other areas of my life. This was just what I needed to hear today, thank you! Perhaps I've found a self soothing method already with your videos ;)

[marcwemtrust]

For those who can not talk well: Sending this video to your friends, family or partner. Thank you so much Heidi, very helpful.

[CrowMagnum]

Key elements of each phase: ignorance => curiosity, awareness => non-judgement, learning => equanimity, mastery => compassion.

[thluyfn]

currently im mostly in a mixture of both the 2nd and 3rd stages. thanks for this video, it was comforting while i was feeling a bit anxious about the confusion. i am not quitting, never. not for a single day, hour, minute or second.