Recover your status after narcissistic abuse

In today’s video, I’m going to explain how the narcissist’s regarding you as lower status had absolutely nothing to do with the status you actually deserve in this world. Next, I’ll offer some examples of how a scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent is influenced to think of themselves as lower status than the narcissistic parent. And at the end, I want to offer a really important strategy to escape the trap of trying to prove your status to yourself after narcissistic abuse and assume the equal status to others that you’ve deserved all along.

A link to the paper on projective identification:

#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy

[fragrenscat]

iv looked at masses of books, watched masses of videos on trying to recover from NPD abuse but nobody comes anywhere close to jay reid. i am eternally grateful.

[Chahlie]

This is all so true, but I find that people who haven't experienced this themselves simply cannot understand that people could do this, especially parents/family.

[mamaJmama]

I am amazed that you have such a handle on narcissist abuse. Absolutely amazing. In my experience, if you have not gone through it yourself, the abuse is disbelieved and not understood. What a gift you have to give vocabulary for what is so difficult to articulate to another human. ❤

[cherylm]

You nailed it. Overcoming that trauma programing of being less than, not worthy, taking shit that has become part of our survival mechanism really takes a lot of inner work. It really helps if you have one significant relationship where you are treated with positive regard. Sometimes even normal everyday interactions on a regular basis with kind people can change how we view ourselves. 😇😇

[janettemartin]

JUST IN TIME! I have many people now trying to help me, myself get out of PURGATORY! They say, "You are the maker of your own Prison" and I am like, I WAS SHOVED SO FAR IN THAT HOLE it is REALLY HARD to dare to see the LIGHT!

[PL-tjsd]

I am grateful that you became intelligent enough to understand these matters and share them with many of us. It is healing and needed.

[annastone]

There is no one to appeal to, to validate the truth, in the corrupt family system.

Then you grow up and leave the system.. and enter into another almost identical system!

Ad infinitum..

There goes life..

[Iquey]

This is a good video! As someone who grew up with a narcicisstic parent you learn quite early they care about status a LOT. It used to confuse me how they would try to get me to brag about the vacations we went on to my classmates, but I didn't want to brag because I knew they would probably be bored with the topic if it's all about what I did. There always has to be people below and people above and not many equals in their view of the world. 🙄 How much more relaxing it is to grow up and out and away from that mindset. Sure not everyone is equally skilled or knowledgeable at everything, but people's inherent value as a human being ought to be relatively equal and not go below a certain threshold into dehumanization or constant baseless ridicule.

[sylviagibson]

Thanks Jay! I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and was the scapegoated child in a family dynamic that allowed for my mother's hatred to be focused on me. I still live in the same town as my elderly mom and things are mostly okay in our interactions these days, BUT with the holidays I'm experiencing a hard time as my mother's old flying monkeys and enablers from the past assemble around her. I've made great progress in recognizing my self-worth and detaching from the false narratives about what a terrible person supposedly I am (spread by mother for decades), but now that these people are around again, I feel myself being triggered. it seems that although I've changed, my family members are stuck in the old false narrative. My sister, who lives out of state, is here and it seems like she needs to continue to box me in as the scapegoat so that she can continue to have higher status as the golden child. I'm losing grip on my progress as all these people I've distanced myself from converge for the holidays. I feel ganged up on. Can you make a video about how to stay strong and centered in recovery during the holidays when all the old actors come together? Thanks!

[pavla]

Narcissistic parents love to see the crushed look on their scapegoat's face when an insult hits home . I got pretty good at not showing it and that enraged them even more . We learned at school that all people were created equal - except YOU according to shit parents .Thank you Jay for discussing this angle of parental abuse .

[jamielawrence]

WOW, this was really eye opening. Thank you. It really unraveled a lot of pain and shame I still held onto from an abusive relationship. I've struggled to correct his "opinion of me" as though it were "The Truth" even long after I have no contact with him and no relationship. I hadn't realized that I was trying to prove to myself and others, still, that I wasn't "as bad as he thought". Now I see that doing that was more of what was causing me continued pain, as it validated his view of me. To see I have power in being relieved from this is amazing. No longer wanting to fight with a ghost.

[patwilliams]

You have helped me understand my family's dynamics beyond anything I have found on any book shelf in any book store.. Thank You for your enlightenment and guidance, encouraging me, and making me aware that I don't have to accept this anymore, and that I don't and never did deserve this treatment. I tried to commit suicide multiple times as a teenager, not because I wanted to die, but I felt if I died everyone would be much happier. I was never told I was loved, and constantly reminded how ugly I was and how perfect and beautiful my older sister was. I was hit with whatever was close enough for her to get in her hands, until around the age of 16 when I had had enough and I hit her back. That's when the physical abuse stopped. Today she cannot remember hitting me, but remembers quite well the incident when I hit finally her back. I was the dark skinned child, and my sister was the blonde, blue eyed child she wanted. She told me had she not seen me be born she wouldn't have accepted me because a I had dark hair and darker skin then my older sister. My narcissistic mother is still at it, as I approach 67 years, and almost put me right back there again. I have been successfully employed with the same major airline for over 40 years never asking for, but giving her financial assistance. My sister, her Golden Child, is still put on a pedestal and tells me to just get over it....mom's not going to change, just like you said she would, attempting to keep me in my scapegoat spot for the family. I had no choice as a child, but I have a choice now. Thanks for giving me the knowledge and encouragement to learn how to demand healthy boundaries, and refuse them my company if those boundaries aren't met. I will heal and survive with or without them.

[SusanaXpeaceu]

PS and walking away and not caring what they think, even though it doesn't feel like the answer at the time, it feels really unfair and upsetting and stressful, I think it has made me stronger, less of a people pleaser. I can see that my 'core' KNOWS now, for certain, that I'm ok on my own, the worst happened, I was rejected by the tribe (my family) and yet I kept going, in some ways, things were calmer, it was actually ok. So, it has cured me of that people pleasing side of myself.

[druzilla]

Thank you so much Jay for making these videos, they're very helpful, inspiring and great for motivation to push through and keep going! I'm trying to reconnect with my inner child and show her compassion and tell her how proud I am of her strength to hold on and not give up, that I'm here for her. It's like getting to know who I truly am, I've been in hiding for so long, going along with being who I was told to be.

[bethmoore]

I just recently came to understand the degree to which I was my mother’s scapegoat, especially. She started slut-shaming me before I even knew what sex was. I didn’t realize it, but my father was grooming me right under her nose. When a man tells his daughter she’s more fun when she’s drunk, that should set off alarm bells in any mother’s mind. My mother, however, was jealous of me, & blamed me for his behavior. On many nights during my senior year, I was up half the night defending her, trying to keep him from killing her. During the day, she had little for me but verbal abuse, about how mean and selfish I was. I have 3 younger brothers, and they joined her.

Defending myself, correcting the lies, asking for respect — none of those things work, when family members decide to objectify me.

I don’t really need to tell my own story for them. I’ve never been able to do so, and my brother corrects me, every time I remember something about my life that doesn’t fit his Golden Child, noble and abused victim, narrative. Im
I’m not even allowed my own memories.

I want to write my memoirs, because my life has been very eventful, in some crazy ways. Like when a drunk Irishman in Boston got down on his knees, on Harvard Ave, and kissed my toes. There a long story attached to that, regarding my human rights activism.

Thank you for pointing out how counterproductive it is to defend myself, especially as the narrative is decades old. The eldest of my younger brothers has devoted his entire adult life to reading his family, especially me, for trash, to anyone who will listen. He has many flying monkeys, and they traffic in gossip, not facts.

So I can just walk away from this Southern gothic insanity, then? Hooray! And thank you!

[Ytvzoey]

Wow. You have just explained advice I have given people that I most certainly learned from my childhood. “Don’t defend yourself against an accusation that someone makes against you - all it does is feed the crazy - that’s what abusers want. Instead … do XYZ.” I had absolutely NO idea that I learned this as a result of being the scapegoat. I’m stunned at how accurate you are about describing this dynamic. I’ve never heard any book describe it so bang on.

[SusanaXpeaceu]

Listening to this for the second time. First of all congratulations on your paper! It sounds very relevant to us all here, and glad you've made it accessible to the masses!
You have tapped in to something that isn't mentioned much. Even though I know that this is their problem, their poor behaviour, it still really hurts that I am so *easily* and obviously cast in this low status role. It's happened in my own family and also at work. The woman left work luckily but I'm stuck with my family. They've all just ''written me out''. I am single and I think that that lowers my status in their eyes, even though some of the relatives who've given me the silent treatment would consider themselves feminist. It's so weird. I notice that my female relatives give a lot of respect to cousins who came from richer parents than my own. My own parents always got by and even now that all the cousins are adults and standing on their own two feet, I feel I have TWO generations of low status hanging over me! But this is only my family! In the rest of my life I'm a normal happy healthy attractive single woman with friendships and a secure job and a modest home. This low status placard is bizarre. Rationally I know this. Rationally. Just noticed that I fell in to the habit of defending myself there. Even if I were living on the streets they could still treat me like their equal because you should be able to count on that equal treatment from your own kin surely.

[chilloften]

I had just read a post…Quiet, not blind.
Haha. I love it.

[louisahallman]

I’m new here n have found such insight re my narc mother n now I understand just how I was her little abused escape up til today n I’m 62!

This woman has tormented me my entire life. My older narc sister, emotional n physically abusive growing up, was the scapegoat cuz she was rebellious but she escaped our narc mother n moved out

My poor dad got the worst abuse, emotional n physical, finally escaped at night n I was genuinely glad for him. I did not take it as abandonment

Then there was just the witch narc who I hated n still hate who I became her controlling iron grip scapegoat hostage n the only time I escaped was when I moved out

Now she’s 82 n EXPECTS ME to take care of her n I’m doing all I can not to. I’m a Christian so that guilt plagues me

I haven’t had a conversation w her in 2 months and these have been the best 2 months of my life

However I married a narc, had no idea what the word even meant for either one, so I’m getting a “temporary” breather from facing both

I like this therapist. He makes sense he’s calm n w what we all deal with it’s a welcome of fresh air. Thanks

[JuanGomez-vq]

This is so inspirational. It is the most intelligent description of narcissistic abuse that I have ever heard. “It can be a trap trying to prove to the abusers that they were wrong”. That is so true because what you resist will persist. You don’t get out of a war by getting into a war. It is so simple it is overlooked. Brilliant video Jay. Thank you for making this knowledge available.