Developing compassion for oneself after narcissistic abuse

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Today I will discuss how narcissistic abuse can leave the survivor feeling at odds with him or herself and how to cultivate a compassionate attitude towards oneself. First, I discuss the early predicament faced by a child of a narcissistic parent where the child is seeking to find out who s/he is from someone intent on seeing the child as someone s/he is not. The ways the child devised to endure this predicament are worthy of curiosity and respect rather than what is the problem as the survivor begins his/her recovery. Next, I offer some tactics for cultivating this attitude of compassion towards the parts of the survivor that figured out how to survive. The thrust of these tactics is generating a sense of safety in the body's nervous system.

Here is the Recovery from narcissistic abuse playlist:

#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy

[youareonlyhope]

It is so healing to hear my experience described so accurately. Soothing to the sense of isolation and confusion I carried for so long. Look forward to these every Sunday, so much!

[rubberbiscuit]

For so many years I did not even know what it was like to feel safe. Thank you for your videos. You have a deep understanding of the children of narcissistic parents.

[jnl]

When you talk about the fear of nothingness, I don’t feel you’re doing it justice. It’s pure unadulterated terror that I will die if I choose the truth of myself. Alarm bells go off and my whole body warns me not to go there, that I will go crazy and become no one. I still don’t know how I can let myself experience it.

[martialmusic]

You are not just teaching, but you are doing therapy here at the very deepest level. Thank you.

[cathyhsu]

Your channel has given me hope to live on after years of suffering and immense pain. Thank you Jay.

[jonathanuniverse]

I recently convinced my family that my father is a covert narcissist who was abusive to me in every way imaginable (though this should have been obvious to all of them from the beginning). My mother recently left the narcissist after over 50 years of marriage (& being in what she describes as a "fog" for the duration). Yet, I am still seen as being "defective" even though I should have been vindicated. Part of my healing process is realizing that THEY are the defective ones and I am in fact a decent human being. The next step may be to go no contact with all of them. Thanks again for your extremely helpful videos, Jay Reid.

[edgreen]

It then becomes an introject and the family continues to view the adult child as a scapegoat.

[Katiegirlluv]

I was an only child with two very toxic parents. I desperately wanted a sense of home and normalcy. My parents fought my whole life and then I was also made responsible for my mother's trauma. I was called names and guilted for pursuing my own dreams.
When I met my future husband, I gravitated to him bc he felt safe. That was #1. Having a safe person to belong to. Even since being married she has caused havoc in our home. We finally are putting all the pieces together. Despite her insistence she loves me, she rarely shows it with her actions. She's a spiteful miserable woman who almost destroyed her daughters life. Now I have chronic illness and isolated from my whole family. So I am investing in my husband's side of family and our church and support groups! People who care, not tear you down.

[dotsyjmaher]

When I realized I was loved by adults other than my "mother" BUT she was SO crazy and at that time the "mother" was sacrosanct ...I kinda knew I would always be alone...because "others" COULD NOT help me even when they wanted to.
I secretly loved the final words of a popular children's song...
"The cheese stands alone"
I still feel like the cheese was NOT lonely...but VICTORIOUS 🤣
but still it is hard to live your young life in solitary confinement...

[matilda]

you know, that is very interesting. I've heard that notion (around 4 minutes) from other therapists on Youtube. I don't know if it's a generic marketing explanation or not. I'm not sure if that is the majority of childhood processes but I can tell you, even though it is very painful - there ARE children who correctly attribute the abusive behavior, squarely onto the perpetrators and NOT on themselves. By careful observation a child, actually many children are intelligent enough to know this, sense this. They may not be able to explain in words but they know very, very well. It may depend upon the child's intellectual level or personality type but I can assure you that there are children who don't blame themselves. They know they themselves are not abusive. They know their parent is not kind to them. It is so very painful but they don't deter from the knowledge that is plain to them. Children are not stupid. It may very well be beneficial to ask each survivor how they process the abuse rather than telling them that they accepted the projections. It may very well be (obviously we don't have the figures) that a majority accept themselves as worthless, but it is definitely not every child's experience. This is at the very heart of why they are indeed even survivors! Many are not. They die from parental mistreatment, within and then without. The essence of human existence is born out of love. Without it we die. And so with narcissistic treatment. Some are survivors. These ones do not accept projections to a significant extent.

[gheles]

perfectly put Jay, I'm so grateful for you and this free education from a wonderful therapist, your perspective is so deep and compasionated, thank you.

[deenaelieff]

Thank you, Jay💐 Your point of feeling 'nothingness' has helped me connect with what it was I was experiencing as a young adult. Peace to all.

[quantumfineartsandfossils]

WOW... All I can say is wow. Some people will watch something & they say "This is exactly my experience." & you feel that way too & can relate & or find ways to relate or empathize but not so much that you say "All of this is my documented experience." this is the first video I have ever watched that I am saying "All of this is exactly my documented experience.". Our species is so, interesting? Disturbing? Amazing? Etc?. Wow. Such a gifted Dr. &!!* Yes & then when you are forced to not exist or have any needs (criminal neglect & the records of criminal neglect that abusers forget that one day others can see) then you have no way of defending yourself (you never had any defenses you were never allowed any defenses since you were born any ways, laws dont apply to you, rights dont apply to you, you are even beneath a pet (taken to the vet)..) this is the nightmare fuel of these mental illnesses & all the crimes that result the world over.

[findingmyself]

And your whole life... You keep trying to convince them and yourself of what deep inside you actually know you are and feel...
It's exhausting... Like the true you is fighting to show itself ... To be authentic...
Thank you Jay

[wiser]

Describes my experiences perfectly, as all of your videos do! Even at age 75, this means so much to me and offers such a hopeful path for my remaining years. Thank you for the excellent work you are doing!❤️

[TheBlackSheepDiaries]

Always look forward to your videos Jay, nail on the head every time. I'm the nobody to no-one, except my son, when it comes to family. I tried everything to avoid it, I needed some sort of connection to them, even though it was terrible. Leaving was so hard, but I was forced out really after calling out some bad behavior as a grown adult. The narc will not tolerate this. I love that you encourage this attitude of learning how to deal with these situations, to adjust how we respond and feel, so that folks don't have to leave totally and walk the lonely road of estrangement. Excellent advice friend.

[ghuyakalika]

As scapegoated child I became rebellious and ran away at age 14. That gave my parents the right to completely destroy me when I was back home. I realised that I am still seen as Scapegoat by my entire family. I don't know how to deal with this. The person I trusted the most in life is my mother. Now I realise her scapegoating and abuse is actually far worse than the narcissistic parent. I am living with my parents at the moment because I have cancer and it feels so overwhelming to finally see the truth. I am totally dependent on the people who destroyed my life. They use it as a sword above my head all the time

[barbaraferrier]

Thanks so much Jay. I appreciate your perspective. It's like we were implanted with a Trojan Horse identity (by the parent's feelings of worthlessness) deep inside when we were small. It never made sense to be punished for the exact things my siblings were praised for. Punished for both success and failure - with a little crazy making intermittent reinforcement when dad was in a good mood. Of course we became 'human doings, ' in an attempt to get positive reinforcement. The positive outcome was becoming exceptionally competent with some perseverance. The trick is to soothe the inner scapegoat, when feelings of being stupid or worthless arise. Having needs and wants was never a sign of ineptitude or selfishness. It was a reasonable expectation. Your videos are good and very helpful.

[mysticat]

Thank you Dr. Reid so very much for this. Very helpful! 💕🤣

[carospereman]

I have not seen nor heard any other YTer as good as you on the subject of bad childhoods. Your content gets right to the core of what I experienced and am experiencing now. I honestly get triggered and cry a bit with every video you put out. But being mature and an adult, my self-care and compassion kick in, and I tell myself everything is good. Thank you again Jay for the time you put in to make these vids.