Why Your ASD Partner Blames You For The Relationship Problems

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[ElizabethDartt-qdwm]

Sometimes being blamed for everything can break your heart. Its contrary to love, marriage and empathy.

[vegangoddess]

He tells me to stop blaming him while he is the one blaming me for blaming him. He will say stuff like: “stop blaming me”, stop being upset at me” or “stop picking a fight”. It is hard to have a normal grownup conversation like that. Feels very distractive and even toxic 😤

[pamelalawrence]

My husband is constantly Blame Shifting
Not taking responsibility for his actions
I personally can’t deal with it any longer

[fredhubbard]

If you are an NT and this happens to you--it's intimate partner abuse (IPA). It does not matter if the abuser is ASD, NPD, BPB, abuse is abuse because it doesn't matter whether the abuser means well, is unable to change. If you are in this type of abusive relationship, just get out. You are not responsible to protect an ASD partner just because they don't know what they are abusing you.

If you get buried in an avalanche, it doesn't matter whether the bad info came from an ASD or NT. No one needs to take this gaslighting. If you are blamed for everything... leave the relationship!!!!

[THELIONESS]

Spot on. Always gaslighting, degrading me, and undermining my choices. to the point where there was way too much tit for tat. He constantly compared me to his mother saying "we don't do it that way". Our home even looked just like his parent's house. He was manipulative that way. He was quirky when we dated and engaged but it got toxic after marriage. I feel I didn't understand him though suggested many times to seek help for his debilitating anxiety attacks. He made my life miserable and created a toxic environment that forced me to seek a divorce. He said to me many times "when we get divorced". That broke my heart because I was happy though had to walk pins and needles around him most of the time. We had good moments and I was no saint. I understand he suffered his entire life with adversity to certain food and touch. I was heartbroken for a long time after the divorce but it was a blessing in disguise. Live and learn.

[tmdavidson]

How does theory of mind explain their ability to behave like neurotypical persons until you are deeply committed to the relationship? How are they able to justify lying to you about who and what they are?

[vegangoddess]

Not only they will make you the problem, If you bring an issue they will translate it to you being miserable. You will try to explain to them that just because there is an issue it doesn’t mean being miserable. It’s very black/white thinking and it is hard to convince them otherwise. The issues you will bring to them means: you are complaining or being miserable. Why you even bringing it up to begin with. It’s confusing and exhausting.

[jimmybeee]

5 minutes ago I was just trying to tell my nt wife that a current conflict is all her fault. Thankfully we both know that it is not. Just me not looking forward to an upcoming social event with an adequate amount of glee.

[RodneyBrown]

In my relationship it’s always my fault as the neurotypical. Anytime problems come up she does her thing about the brain working differently and is never the reason for lack of communication. She only wants material to
Point out what she needs and wants, but does not care about my needs

[jazzcabbage]

I (ASD female) have caught me doing similar a lot. The only thing that allows me to deal with this is that I've decided just to trust my fiance when this occurs, if I don't, i'll get stuck in a loop. Sometimes he has to break me out of the loop with physical actions (sounds abusive, but I don't mean hitting) e.g he'll try to make me laugh or force me to laugh.

[lorenamares]

Excellent. I find that blaming others is a human instinct, yet I do see why and how this is more instinctively a recurring challenge for Asperger males in relationships. I have worked in the past with teen boys mainly, and can see how their brain might be wired differently.

[keekachino]

Wow. My aspie partner feels like I am defining him when I naturally engage theory of mind. He says I am telling him how he thinks and feels. From this video, I can understand how theory of mind could make him feel that way. Across from his protest I say, "I'm basing my thoughts and feelings off of the things you say, the way you say it, and what you do!". I've felt crazy. He is very sensitive to "assumption". This is one of his main reasons that I am "abusing" him.

[henryrocks]

I've always thought that my wife doesn't "Care" about an "action's" intention, only the outcome, and I had no idea it's been researched to such depth! Thank you, Mark. I'll show this to her to try and understand me better. She blames me for 90% or even 100% of our arguments.

[markhutten]

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[caramelfrappuccino]

Great content. Thank you. This is helping me understand my husband. I had no idea. He is undiagnosed.

[rumblejungle]

The example for a relative bias towards outcome-based thinking is representative. Just one way ASD individuals are not logical. Tired of how their thinking is euphemistically described as logical.

[rdormer]

Yup. It's always my fault. Even if it's something she said or did, well...she only said or did that because of something I said or did. It's *always* my fault.

[DeniseC]

My now ex said to me when he was annoyed that i hide behind my autism. My way of getting out of thing's.

[katyasaniwell]

Since my partner was visited by our spiritual friends from overseas, I was told there is something unhealed in me, because I can't just shrug of a complete temper tantrum happening 2-5 times per week you can hear 3 houses down our street every time he can't figure out something on the computer, can't find his car keys or has a mishap doing any kind of fiddly repair work. He screams at the thing that goes wrong half expecting that this would change the outcome. He can't find a a snippet wrong with this behaviour as he claims it's unhealthy to suppress one's emotions. We got thrown out of a shared living arrangement because of it, once and the wife of our neighbour refuses to come over to borrow sugar on her own. I sometimes feel like living with a 10 year old. We want to seperate, but are lacking the money for now, because I got chronically ill and can't work a normal job.

[foxiefair]

I’m listening to this to make sense of a situation with a roommate who claims to be autistic. I moved out but I still want to understand this if I can. I’m not even sure if she’s really autistic or if I’m really neurotypical myself, so it’s going to get interesting.