overcoming malignant shame [cc]

A reflection on one of the most damaging kinds of manipulation used by abusers: shaming. Where real-life cases are cited, details may be altered to preserve anonymity.
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0:00 a common emotion
1:28 defining shame
1:51 shame vs guilt
3:00 psychological consequences
5:50 private shame
8:40 common sources of shame
14:15 retraining the brain
20:15 judging what's acceptable
21:34 public shame
22:27 tyranny of the majority
23:04 coming out
25:05 some shame-inducing groups
30:23 a faceless mob?
32:30 shaming by stealth
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opening quote:
The shame-bound individual is like a fox
that’s been trained to hunt itself to exhaustion
while the hounds sit back and enjoy the show.
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subtitles
Russian: Sergey Savelyev
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references and reading:
Feiring, C., Taska, L. and Lewis, M. (2002) Adjustment following sexual abuse discovery: The role of shame and attributional style. Developmental Psychology 38 (1), pp.79-92.
Harper, F. W. K. and Arias, I. (2004) The role of shame in predicting adult anger and depressive symptoms among victims of child psychological maltreatment. Journal of Family Violence 19 (6), pp.367–375
Joireman, J. (2004) Empathy and the self-absorption paradox II: self-rumination and self-reflection as mediators between shame, guilt, and empathy. Self and Identity, 3 (1), pp.225-238
Lewis, H.B. (1971) Shame and guilt in neurosis. New York: International Universities Press
Marschall, D., Sanftner, J. and Tangney, J. P. (1994) The State Shame and Guilt Scale. Fairfax: George Mason University.
Mill, J.S. (1859) On liberty.
Sznycer, D. et al (2018) Cross-cultural invariances in the architecture of shame. PNAS 115 (39) pp.9702-9707
Tangney, J.P. and Tracy, J.L. (2012) Self-conscious emotions. In Leary M. and Tangney, J.P. (eds.), Handbook of self and identity (2nd ed., pp.446-478). New York: Guilford Press
Tangney, J.P., Tracy, J.L. and Robins, R.W. (eds.) (2007) The self-conscious emotions: theory and research. New York: Guildford Press
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painting:
Titian (c.1559–1575) The death of Actaeon
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music © TheraminTrees
Full original music tracks used in videos are available to patreon supporters who pledge at the $1 per video level.

[lmnop]

"How perverse is it that our abusers throw us into survival mode, and we despise ourselves for trying to survive?" OOF I had to replay that cuz it hit hard.

[rmguest]

John Bradshaw once said, "Guilt is, 'I made a mistake'. Shame is, 'I am a mistake'."

[eumebpj]

11:20 “One of the most twisted kinds of shame’s instilled in targets of abuse is the shame of sticking up for yourself.” This hit home.

[isthisagoodyoutubehandle]

"Shaming is an abuse we're taught to inflict on ourselves." Wow... That really hit me. I have no idea how I never really realized that

[nerianasims]

"To feeling some forbidden emotion, maybe anger or distress." Or happiness. I was a pretty enthusiastic child, but that was quashed. Not just by my parents, but by certain teachers too. And other children, especially other girls. It took until my 30s to let myself show anything but mild contentment again, and still, in my 40s, I sometimes worry that something bad will happen if I'm too happy.

[midgetsow]

I'm surprised you didn't talk more about how victims of malignant shame often consider themselves so worthless that they reason themselves out of asking for help, because they don't feel worth other people's time, and/or that they don't deserve help because they are evil/worthless. My situation was doubly bad because, in addition to thinking I was never worth anyone else's time, I spent my whole life shaming myself into believing I didn't even need help because I'm to blame for all my problems because no "real" abuse like physical abuse happened to me.

[fhrjr]

I can attest from personal experience that parents who don't know what they're doing and could mean well can sabotage their children with malignant shame just as easily as abusive families.

[originalhazelgreene]

"Do people who provoke raw survival instincts deserve any place in your life?"
Wow. That's an amazingly easy way to see the dividing line between OK and Not OK, even where emotions cloud our perception. You really know how to teach us concepts with just a few powerful words!!

[marshfilm]

I told my parents recently that I check a lot of the boxes for autism... They said, "don't be so stupid, you're NOT autistic"... I agreed that I most likely was not autistic because the same traits are shared by children who have suffered prolonged emotional devaluation in their formative years. The look of fear in my mothers eyes was priceless.

[quirinoguy]

In a country where therapy is expensive and mental health barely an issue, this is the next best thing, thank you.

[megb]

The amount of children who are psychologically and physically harmed then are told to either stop being such an easy target or that they "made themselves cry" is heartbreaking. There's also cases of kids being punished for nonviolently standing up to bullies.

[frogery]

every little mistake i made in front of my father resulted in scolding. he never tried to teach me how to do something, only that i was doing it wrong and that i should stop. i've been afraid of trying new things my whole life because if i can't get it right the first time i'll feel like a failure, and because of that i feel like i've missed out on so much. thank you for reminding me that there is a way out of this.

[qojhmnt]

When I was 5, I told a family friend about some of the abuse I was experiencing from my mother. She told me I was wrong to judge my mother. As an adult, I told my older sister how our mother had shamed me. She said our mother was just doing the best she could and it was my responsibility to understand that. Where do you turn for comfort after this? I believe in taking responsibility for my life but I won't take responsibility for someone else's cruelty. This has been a saving thought for me. Thank you for this video.

[carmenl]

I've written this so many times in my diaries over the years: "If only I knew what is so fundamentally wrong with me, then I could change it." Now (at the age of 57), I am finally learning that it's toxic shame that was injected daily into me by my parents. Thank you!

[saphiquefemme]

I don’t care if the world shames me, I feel it more with family. It hurts so much knowing I can’t be my authentic self around my family. Thank you for making this informative video.

[TJtheBee]

"I think that little girl was very strong, because she made it here to tell this story."
Ha. Got me tearing up, man. What the heck? That hit close to home.

[niloinreverse]

As Trixie Mattel once said,
"Shame is a landfill emotion, "
If you lived alone in the woods, you would never be ashamed. But overtime, people throw things in your landfill and when you get older, you find that you've been carrying around so much baggage

[princonsuella_]

"Shame is like a fox trained to hunt itself" - The best description of shame I've ever heard.

[misleshtatrystika]

“Many targets feel deeply ashamed for allowing the abuse to happen.”

And suddenly there are tears to my eyes.

[moosekeeto]

"Do people who provoke raw survival instincts deserve any place in your life?" Perfect.