Negative Core Belief Schema & Toxic Shame: Part 1

In part one of this two-part mini-series, Lana Seiler (MSW, LCSW, Clinical Manager - Traumatic Stress Program at APN) dives into the idea of negative core belief schemas and toxic shame.

In this episode, Lana answers questions like:

What is a negative core belief schema?
Why do they develop?
What is the difference between shame and toxic shame?
How do negative core beliefs hold us down?
How can even well-intended parenting leave simple wounds with complex impact?
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[jerryrobertkoren]

Just starting to address shame. I'm 57 and 11 years sober...im almost overwhelmed by what's coming up.

[mariaj]

"You need that person and that person's a threat" wow, that really hit. Is this why I now only am attracted to threats and can't stay in healthy relationships? 😅

[AnthonyL]

1:30 "Shame is the only emotion powerful enough to disrupt proximity-seeking." WOAH.

[boldi]

Emotional neglect can also create toxic shame.

[yvasquez]

I remember when I was a child something happened at school and I wanted to talk to my dad about it….can’t remember what it was now but I remember he started yelling at me and telling me it was all my fault, whatever happened at school. The worse was my mother asking me afterwards why I kept bothering him with idiotic issues when I know he is busy. That is one example of many similar ones…So whatever happened, it was all my fault…everything. Looking back now I can see how screwed up that was and no wonder I grew up with a sense of shame of myself …i was constantly told I “should have known” whatever they thought I should have known, never explained it to me. Fast forward 40 years and I still feel in that way and even though I am aware of it, I can’t shake it off.

[nonelost]

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” never resonated with me. It always comes from the mouths of the proud, or at best the ignorantly humble. That’s like saying a wounded soldier on the battlefield is stronger than before he was wounded. Instead, it should be “what doesn’t kill you makes you wounded.“

[КалинаВ]

Such an important topic. I have the feeling that popular topics in psychology today are things like well-being, positive mindset, low self-esteem, while negative core beliefs and unhealthy shame are somewhat ignored. Thank you for making these videos and putting the info out there!

[Kandyrose]

Sometimes in opposition to non diagnosed there is "OVER diagnosed"... constantly being taken to doctors and therapists each with a different system, being treated differently, discrimination, being shamed

[pault]

What does this shame look like? I grew up with a mom high on the narcissist scale. I have a lot of perfectionistic tendencies. OCD tendencies (and no, I don't mean like cleaning like crazy, I mean lots of repetitive rituals). I have passions that want to share with others through social media, but a painful insecurity holds me back. I can't even stand to look at my posts when not liked by many, because it only seems to validate that im not an interesting person. I struggle to speak up in class as I always feel the things I say are just ridiculous or stupid. I overthink when interacting with people. Overall I'm highly critical of myself.

[noslenarual]

This is so helpful. In the past, I recognized the basic thread of this in my life, but not the layers of what being unsafe with a parent, layered with the demand for perfection and high performance, layered with relationships that perpetuate this have caused in my life. Thank you.

[NallahBrown]

6:28 adult hood "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
6:49 "if we experience things that are overwhelmingly stressful.. where we feel we aren't good enough for our parents.. it creates inherent vulnerability.. which we have to deal with later on in life."

[Zak_Edington]

I feel like a better word for “healthy shame” is “guilt”. I don’t really believe there is such thing as “healthy” shame. Shame is an identity belief. You actually believe you are something bad/something is wrong with who you are. Guilt is an action belief. You believe you did something bad and you feel bad for it. I don’t believe any amount of shame in any given context is healthy. Even if we did something terrible, it does not mean that we ARE terrible. I also feel it’s very important to differentiate the two. Because once someone now believes there is such thing as “healthy shame”, especially if they already have a negative view of themselves, their subconscious is now just going to have a field day labeling all of their shame as “healthy shame”, convincing them that they should feel that way because they deserve to. I just feel like this type of language and definition could potentially do more harm than good for people in the long run.

[eyebutterfly]

Thank you so much for putting this together. It’s so true that as adults we need a little stress to get better at things and to become stronger people but it’s not the same for children. Stressful situations and constantly experiencing emotional distress is so damaging for them.

[robynsettler]

You've just articulated something that I am struggling with, so well. I cried while listening to this.

[simonsays]

That's an interesting way to frame shame, that it keeps us from going back to the person that is harming us. I've never heard that before. I will need to sit with and ponder that for a while.

What has made sense to me is the exact opposite. That the child takes on the core negative beliefs because they are dependent on the parents and can't entertain the possibility that their caregivers will be unable to meet his/her needs. The child believes whatever is going on is not because there is something going on with the parents, but with him/her because the opposite would be too scary. So the shame keeps the child going back to the parents to preserve life.

[kahlodiego]

Needing help from the person who is a threat - it's given me nightmares.

[kathrynmariani]

You are an excellent presenter! Clear, relatable, informative, and uplifting 😊

[saltandlight]

What's interesting was dealing with this personally, working on it then realizing that many people you meet have dealt with or are dealing with it. Certain cultural beliefs i think make this a problem for many people.

[NallahBrown]

5:57 "the parent who has some of their own unaddressed sounding. . Extra pressure put on the child."

[JourneyIntoAnimism]

I struggle with this because I am too old to feel these child feelings and then it makes my shame worse.