Overcoming Sexual Shame

Though we live in supposedly enlightened times, many of us are still burdened with intense feelings of shame around our own sexuality and desires. Overcoming this requires us to face up to the scale of the problem - and find ways of discussing our innermost feelings more nakedly.

FURTHER READING

“We have collectively grown highly attuned to the problems associated with a lack of shame around sex: with a decadent culture in which it seems that everything goes, where the atmosphere is often overly explicit and where some people get badly hurt by the unwanted and aggressive attentions of others.It could seem – therefore – a little odd, even indulgent, to bring up the problem of sexual shame, that is, to discuss the intense mental suffering generated by embarrassment about our desires and bodies, by a feeling of not being physically acceptable and by a self-disgust and terror at the idea of our sexual thoughts being found out and judged. These can seem like issues that no one could sincerely have worried about since the waning of the age of top hats or at least the revolutions of the 1960s. The dangers around sex appear to lie squarely at the other, shame-less end of the spectrum…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Josh Saunders

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[sonjapaunovic]

This whole channel is like a parent to me

[tebogomaupa_]

I cried when he said “we truly deserve to exist”

[seanpboyd]

My mother told me, while I was in HS, that "high school girls are evil". And never let me date. It's fucked with me for quite some time. Parents don't realize how much they can screw up their kids' lives.

[sofiaroiz]

I remember once asking my mother what the meaning of the word 'stud' was as a thirteen year old girl. I'd heard the word and wasn't sure what it meant. I was shot down in flames, told it was simply a horse and to never again ask her any questions of that nature. She said she'd never speak to me again if I did. A prime example right there of just how uptight and ashamed people can be regarding anything even remotely pertaining to sex.

[bananasean]

Sexual repression was so bad for me and my wife growing up do to both having overly religious parents that it was 10 months into dating before we did anything and 6 years later now being married we still find ourselves battling with overcoming shame and allowing ourselves to open up fully when we logically know there is nothing to be ashamed of.

[tituscassiusseverus]

I'm ashamed to breath, let alone talk to someone, imagine then how difficult it is to even comprehend the idea of talking honestly about sex.

[mariarossi]

This is such a huge issue in our society. I wish so many of us weren't so uptight about sex when it's the most natural thing in the world and the reason we all came into being.

[zb]

I came out to my parents multiple times. My mother first threatened to kill me, and the second time she told me that I was going to get aids and die. I was repeatedly told that I was confused and punished for my sexuality. I am now 32 and still healing from the trauma.

[hihowareyouthen]

Oof, this hit so close to home. I was publicly humiliated ("slut" shamed, and body shamed) at the age of 18, by the first person I ever shared my body with. Something froze inside me after that. I put on quite a bold "front" but my love life truly suffered in the aftermath. I hope I can find the strength to be vulnerable in the future.

[forresthughes]

My only sexual experiences have been either non consentual or degradatory, my partner was grossed out at the idea of touching me because I'm trans (even though he is as well). The pain of someone rejecting you at your most vulnerable is debilitating. It's taken me years, and I've healed considerably, but some days I feel like i'll never be able to trust someone with that again. I always pick myself up and feel better but its still difficult to imagine myself truly comfortable in that scenario. This video validated how I feel though, so thank you. And to anyone else out there struggling with claiming their sexuality, it's a mf battle but you deserve to heal. i believe in you. sending love

[carolynharris]

I am 26 and I am now beginning to become more accepting of my sexual urges. I am beginning to explore what I like and dislike sexually and it's all because I am beginning to love myself more. Not exploring my sexuality or not having sexual urges was my way of punishing myself. And that is why people who have issues with their sexuality should really confront their mental issues as a way to heal.

[AmrZainAhmed]

As a gay living in Muslim country, it's all embarrassming and feeling of shame. As one is getting elder is being forced to get married to someone that you don't feel at all. Being over 30s unmarried is another stigma that sticks to you. Sex itself has never been a problem, people are.

[taabishkhanself-improvemen]

Coming from a South Asian culture this is definitely a conversation that is not spoken about enough, thank you for putting forward this message.

Have a great day, love from a small channel💙

[gelfrecs]

Thank you for talking about sexual shame. I had forgotten that I still feel shame around my sexual feelings

[DeviljhusMaximus]

The comment about how bullies can destroy you through body-shaming at 1:55 said everything to me: My bully filmed me while showering 12 years ago. After more than a decade since that, suddenly I understand a lot, thank you so much. This channel is pure gold, I can't believe is free.

[ororomunroe]

I feel gross and disgusting for having these desires, I know it’s completely natural but I’m not use to initiating sexually and when I make the first move I feel disgusted with myself afterwards

[astraldragon]

My family thought the best way to keep me from getting pregnant at an early age was to completely obliterate my sexuality and make me hate my female body parts. I have vaginismus and I dont know anybody else who has it. I just know I'm a super sexual person with a bunch of sexual fantasies and i cant have intercourse because my body closes down to it involuntarily. It suckss I'm trying so hard to heal this but sometimes I'm just stuck

[Mercure_en_B]

if you're straight just imagine adding the crushing pressure of homophobia when you're a child to the balance

[chriscunningham]

Sexual intimacy is the pathway to attaining greater emotional connection with another person. The current emphasis on sex detracts from the deeper desire to feel connected, known and safe with another person. Too many people treat sex as a physical activity devoid of any emotional substance or deep feelings. Shame and feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and the yearning for deeper intimacy can be stirred by sex. Sexual performance and satisfying sex is not enough to foster a strong relationship. Most of us feel that our bodies and actions don't measure up to the idealised image manifested by the media and social pressure to perform in certain ways viewed as admirable and commendable. What we struggle with is intimacy and fostering closer relationships with safe and healthy people who love and care about us despite our imperfections and often far from stellar sexual prowess. When two people feel comfortable, close and safe then sex will be more pleasurable and satisfying. Build the intimacy first instead of rushing into sex as a potential opening to greater emotional intimacy or people might feel disappointed and frustrated by the relatively empty outcome of physical pleasure devoid of deep feeling, connection, caring and commitment.

[ChronicallyConfused]

Growing up I was constantly objectified, I often still am. I started to see myself as some kind of liveless body existing for the eyes of others. I grew up sexualising myself as a form of seeking validation. I got this validation, and it reinforced the thought that my worth was based on my body and how attractive others find it.

I now feel very ashamed of this, ashamed of my body and sexuality. I struggle to feel like it is all mine.