How shame molds the narcissist

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[freestang]

When your parent was the baby of the family, and grew up getting a lot of attention and adoration. Then, *they* have a child who, without trying, became the new center of attention and adoration. An emotionally healthy parent would likely appreciate that their child is loved and adored by so many family members. But the narcissist parent becomes jealous and resentful of their own child. They take every opportunity to privately mock, belittle, and destroy their self esteem, while pretending to be the perfect parent in public.

[SSJ]

I think it's important to make a distinction between a child who rebels as a result of neglect, vs a child that rebels due to a predisposition to narcissism. My experience growing up was full of neglect. My mother "went on strike" from motherhood when I was only 13 years old (and I'm the oldest of three). I was relentlessly scapegoated. Thus, I rebeled. I acted out. But over time, thanks in a huge part to your videos, I learned about these patterns in my life and worked on becoming more self aware and respectful. Since setting very serious boundaries with all the toxic people in my life, my so called chronic rage issues that my n-parents loved to bring up during any argument basically disappeared. My road rage is basically gone. I'm less aggressive when driving, and much safer as well.

My behavior as a child was an issue. However, my parents utilized shame, mockery, and withholding of love to discipline me. That's not on me, and my actions as an adolescent are not either. That was 20 years ago. My actions today define who I am, and I am very proud of who I am.

[ktc]

dont invalidate their emotions, even if you think they are overreacting. missing the ice cream truck may seem ridiculous to an adult but to a kid it can be upsetting. i have a really really good memory and remember many things my Dad would say to me and my mom to just crush and put down our emotions. even though ive done the work to learn to tolerate him now that I'm an adult, those memories will never leave me. the nasty things he said, the tone, the chuckle, the no eye contact, the body can fight back now and my big mouth keeps him from most of those behaviors because he HATES the confrontation, it still hurts. The child you are treating badly is just a part of the adult that they will grow into, its never going to just disappear and they will never forget.

[bereal]

Our parents set us up for life, to bolster their egos, not to grow healthy adults and mine for one haven't and won't change. They don't care about how we feel just how we reflect on them. It's altered my whole life all the control and shame blame rages and passive aggression all tools of control. It sickens me that 56 years of my life have been so distorted and I've crashed and burned because of it. I don't even treat my dog like an accessory but our parents do. At 56 im just learning all this and I so hope Dr. Ramani does more of these videos because they really help me understand what and why things happened 🙋🙏

[yamlwoz]

My childhood. Beautifully summarised in 10 minutes, wow! Blame, shame, guilt and humiliation on a daily basis from the day I was born. I'm 65 now, but learned never to be alone with my mother because with witnesses she has to play her public game of being the sweetest woman on the planet. Ha! I've solved the problem. It took me a tragically long time unfortunately, and I was bullied horribly in almost every workplace of my 30 year career. I was too terrified to speak up. Trained to take anything and everything that anyone wanted to subject me to, and keep silent about it. Switched jobs every 4 years because I couldn't take it for another moment and spent my weekend and evenings in tears. Thanks to my biological birth tube's 'love'.

[sheenascott]

I absolutely love seeing Dr. Ramanis cat lol meow kitty 🐱

[victoriam]

Very happy to hear you will offer a healing program! Exactly what I most need after 31 years of using cognitive dissonance to excuse my ex-husband's atrocious behavior. Thanks to your videos and voracious self-reflection, i now understand what happened to me and why. My heart is bruised and bloody, yet i believe down to my toes that total healing is possible. Thanks a million, Dr. Ramani!! ♥️🥰🙏

[leahmedlin]

I remember trying to fill out my very first college application form. I was stressed out trying to navigate the website and needed help on filling out some of the personal info. I asked for help and got screamed at "If you can't figure out how to register for college, then you're too stupid to go." The amount of shame that I felt made me question why I was even trying at all. It devestated my self-esteem.

[mysticpeace]

In my experience, I would suggest never, ever to be sarcastic when raising children. It is extremely confusing to a young child, but when the child does realize the comment is not authentic it is crushing. I remember well and I was about 4 years old at the time. Nearly 50 years later, it still remains.

[pavanatanaya]

Addendum: Dont use sarcasm when correcting, , well, anybody
Sarcasm is aggression coming out sideways. Sarcasm destroyed my sense of being grounded, I laugh at humorists who use sarcasm and irony together, but as a form of human interaction, its toxic.

[polarbear]

The dread you feel inside that you may have messed up as a parent is gut wrenching. And yes at times I did get angry if they wouldn't tidy up or were rude. Because my children have been relatively uncommunicative for some years since my divorce I have spent so much time questioning why. It feels like a never ending grieving process. However, I am going to stand strong in commenting that I now realise that my ex and his narcissistic family members have had a huge influence on my children and I knew for sure that this was something I would be up against. As one friend said " They are too strong and you're never going to win." So true. Lots of coercive and covert control. They are like a cult full of money, position and the belief that they are superiorly correct. I can honestly say that I now see why people die of heartache. It is a living hell but thanks to you Dr Ramani (and may I mention Dr Carter, Laura, The Enlightened Target and Michele Lee Nieves - hope this is ok) I keep hoping that my beautiful adult children will one day reconnect fully with me. Best wishes to you and your team. xxx

[e.malloy]

The shame from childhood can make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse later! Thank you for saying it! I've been stuck in the cycle with two of them in my life until I've finally started to break the cycle. Thank you for mentioning that belittling and mocking from parents can cause this!!

You asked what can parents avoid? Whatever you do, DON'T tease your children in the hopes it will "make them tough" or "teach them a sense of humor". I had regular interactions with my mother where she would openly tease me in front of her friends (and mine as I got older) about my clothes or my feelings or just things that had happened to me. I would quietly grit my teeth and bear these experiences more times than I could count in my young life. The times I brought up that it hurt my feelings that she did this, she would brush me off or gaslight me to make it seem as though I was the one who was wrong for trying to speak up for myself or that I was "no fun" or "couldn't take a joke". It took me YEARS to figure out my Mother was the one who was so wrong and emotionally stunted and immature.

Treat your children like the little people they are! Take their feelings seriously, even if they seem disproportional to you as an adult. Allow yourself to be emotionally present for them and understand the difference between laughing with someone, and laughing at them, please.

[Cubestone]

I think another important reaction to shaming and humiliation as a child is withdrawal. In a family one child may become very rebellious while another might find withdrawal to be a place of safety and sanity. That child might not become narcissistic, but could later in life be abused. If strong enough they could become the person you described as the realist or genuine person who can duck most of the abuse and still maintain self-okay-ness. That's not to say that the abuse wouldn't exact a cost in stress.

[clarissanoble]

DrRamani. Please address more about the biological “ difficult” temperament. I have a mother, father & stepfather who are all vulnerable narcissists My grandparents ( mother side) were my saving grace & showed me what genuine love is My grandparents are now deceased & I cut ties with my father 15 years ago & my mother & stepfather 7 years ago This is such a crucial situation for me to understand in my life Thank you for all of your valuable information!

[dee]

I became more vulnerable in the outside world to narcissism but thank God I have discernment now to protect my well-being. 🙌🏻☀️

[TheQueensWish]

“A difficult temperament seems to be the tipping point.” Thanks Dr. Ramani.

[JolieHH]

I was treated badly when I was young. And that become the most powerful motivation to seek the true side of me and explore my life rather than stay with parents.

[PlumbTuckeredOut]

So amazing. I was adopted as a baby and my older non-biological brother was adopted, 2 years before me. We were obviously brought up by the same adoptive parents but he has become a raging narcissist and I became a very anxious shameful adult. Growing up I had no idea how my parents' constant criticism, shaming, and humiliation caused me to be as I was, albeit, to their constant orders to "Stop being so anxious! You're making a big deal out of nothing! Just stay away from them!" And I fully believed that my brother's bizarre antagonistic later criminal behavior was solely the result of his genes. My adoptive mother often said that psychology was a sham, a joke, an impossibility and here we are recognizing how her behaviors, her psychology caused such issues in our development. I am thrilled to find that even at 55 years of age, things can change and patterns can be broken with help and desire. I have not seen or heard from my brother in over 30 years but I am aware he is in the prison system. And I had to cut all ties with that "family" decades ago.

[alliwantintheworld]

As a teacher (and a person who has narcissism in the family 😢) shame is last thing I want in my classroom. I work really hard to keep it out, and help my students contribute to safe classroom where we can support each through mistakes and conflicts. Not shame each other.

[lauram]

My dad was an expert at shaming but being really funny about it which made him likable. It’s a healthy thing to laugh at oneself but as I child I didn’t know how to brush the jokes off. Both my biological parents used self-deprecating humor as a defense regularly. Just lots of pathological insecurity all around.