Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs

In this video, I talk about how attachment trauma impacts our sense-of-self. Through family history, neglect, abandonment, abuse, and from relationships, our worth was devalued. Therefore, we internalize, believe this in our core messaging, and continue devaluing ourselves.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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☑️ Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz:

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Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[Mississippian]

No one else has ever said"I'm sorry you have to go through this." Ever.

[ViNtAgELovv]

"shaming yourself for feeling shame" YES.

[maryblanchard]

No one has ever said sorry or acknowledged how much it hurts. Thank you. Almost 60 and it still tears me up. My mom didn't want me and told me so. She was always disgusted and disappointed with me. I was the family scapegoat and have been bullied all my life. I want to stop the shame.

[melissamel]

This is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone tell us how to handle thoughts like this. they talk about it but they don’t tell us how to work it out. thank you

[hightidesmrforeverthemoon]

it's strange because i am never mad or upset at those who harmed me, i only feel mad at myself. i'll protect my abuser forever, but i don't protect myself lol i am so confused. you are very good at what you do, i always feel like you've studying my family history, and you are talking directly to me. thank you for making me feel less disgusting.

[farukkasum]

Ever since i found you.... i came to realize the root of all my problems. This atttachment trauma gave me depression, anxiety, extreme rumination, addictive behavior, ive been clean from pot for 4 years now and im walking a hard and tough roas. But not one therapist took me to the depths you did. Each video triggers extreme emotion, tears of relief because ive realized where everything is coming from. You are heaven sent
. Thank you

[danielalejandroguerreromor]

I have been sobbing for 30 minutes straight listening to this. I have struggled all my live with this felling. It Is a feeling that never let’s me be, it chokes me, I feel hot, my heart raises and I start to feel like the biggest piece of shit in this planet. No one has ever understand it, and for the first time I finally feel like somebody described my exact life to me. Thank you for this video, from the bottom of my heart you don’t know how much this means to me, it’s sometimes hard to even get out of my bed, but for the first time I fell somebody finally understands me

[LeeseKiwi]

Internalised early negative core beliefs are incredibly difficult to "undo or re-programme"
Self talk of a positive nature practices in a rebellious nature is what I have adopted - screw you, I do matter, I do have value and worth, I show myself the respect I did not get as a child. I choose to see the evidence of all that I am good.
When in a romantic relationship however I lose my balance and it all goes out the window! I regress and its scary! This is my greatest challenge - to remain in my rational mind, to allow myself to have relationships.

[suzannem]

Shame is triggered when I have relational needs so true!

[supertigik]

here's a great piece from Rumi:
The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

[PatisaNombakuseITAuditMentor]

So true, just because you feel it.. It doesn't mean it's true. Thank you

[greggrobinson]

Therapy for like 30-35 years, 5-6 shrinks, lots of groups, a life largely wasted as I spent most of it struggling to understand what was wrong with me, yet I never heard it all described to me so plainly and perfectly. But that's it, everything you said. I'm just amazed, and maybe even hopeful.

[JK-eswu]

I was treated as if there was something wrong with me.
And there was. I had Aspergers and nobody knew.
Even still, I could have done without the shame ...

[loisdahl]

I see now that my shame was the basis of my suicide attempts - really did feel that I didn’t deserve to live. Fortunately, I wasn’t successful. Thank you so much for these insights, truly life-saving!

[abstractbeautyandchaos]

I was adopted at birth, this is how I have felt for 53 years. I feel I have never measured up to the expectations of anyone. Everything you said is exactly what goes on in my head. Thank you for this video.

[wholeenchilada]

Thank you, Alan! This is really helpful. I used to think shame and humiliation were happening "TO" me because I was inherently worthless. But I've rounded a corner. It now looks more like I've SOUGHT OUT the experience of worthlessness in order to justify the false belief I developed in order to cope (very imperfectly, but it was the best I could do at the time) with early attachment trauma. I'm finally able to admit that I've been doing this to myself, albeit unknowingly, and that I have the ability to break this pattern and to live more fully and more happily. There really is hope. I would not have thought so, even a short while ago!

[johnbishop]

I have felt this shame and not good enough and feeling shame for being shamed and embarrassment to be a human being for 55 years. I have just discovered your videos and have read most of them . I only wish that I could sit and talk to you on a weekly basis because you have been the first person that I feel you understand how I could hav had such a long painful life and you seem to know me so very well. I will continue to listen to your videos and i’m Hoping to just have a few last years on this earth liking myself and loving myself. The video about me trying to be so good as a young boy so that my parents would not fight and treat each other by the silent treatment truly resonates with me. It is my strongest feeling about growing up and that is fear- fear of being in the way, being too much trouble so I used try to stay out or the way and be invisible. That feeling remains today.i’m 70 yrs old- very sad indeed.

[mystijkissler]

Haahaa, "Hello shame" I love your admitting a concept that is personal yet a very helpful tool for me.

[freebeing]

Toxic shame has been my longtime companion as far back as I can recall. I'm trying to deal with it now, but it's proving more difficult than I had expected.