A Real Definition of Narcissistic Abuse

The term ‘narcissistic abuse’ has been, itself, heavily abused. Is has largely been a pop-psychology term that means different things depending on how and where it is used. It is often used to demonize individuals with pathological narcissism and NPD, who represent an at-risk population for depression, self-harm, and suicide.

In this episode, Dr. Ettensohn provides a new definition for narcissistic abuse - one that is *actually* specific to pathological narcissism and NPD. This new definition is based on the psychodynamics of the disorder itself, and describes an inter-generational chain of emotional mistreatment that creates narcissistic pathology in children, who then grow up to use people in the same way that they, themselves, were used.

[healnpd]

I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.

[LR-yumx]

If you did not experience the abuse and toxic family, one does not have an Idea what helll the victims go through

[MfConnor]

The saddest thing is when you witness a victim of NPD transform into the narcissistic abuser themselves.
I.e. dad abuses mom, then mom abuses kids...

[Nanobot]

This has been the most helpful video I have seen on NPD. It finally helped me identify why the feeling of ugliness or “not being good enough”— because there is no level of beauty or achievement that WOULD ever be good enough to fulfil the endless self-esteem void. I cannot thank you enough for this.

[deicheeves]

There's a fascinating study on the brains of people with npd. It shows less grey matter in the left anterior insula (one brain region responsible for empathy). Adding this to highlight npd is not a choice. It is even physiological in some cases. Additionally childhood neglect and/or abuse that forces a child into "fight or flight" for extended periods of time can do brain damage including shrinking the hippocampus (learning/memory) and enlarging the amygdala (base emotions like fear/rage)

[ethosoul]

I wonder if demonizing and dehumanizing the person with NPD is a way to eliminate feelings of compassion and empathy for them which makes it difficult for some to maintain boundaries and no contact. I can speak for myself that because I’m aware of how and why the person in my life has adapted to be who they are because of their childhood, and I’ve experienced glimpse of vulnerability I empathize… my heart hurts for their inner child… as a Mother myself I feel a sense of hurt because I do know that there is a suffering in him and it makes my own defenses soft and when I think about trying to make it work I recall how I mostly experienced all of the negative aspects of this disorder and was always chasing a moving goal post, was confused, anxious and internally disregulated myself… that was hellish. So in trying to be a good role model for my children who are older adolescents I embrace compassion and empathy from a safe distance to me that is unconditional Love… I still Love him and regard him as a human being having the human experience like the rest of us…. But I am not a martyr nor do I wish to be a tribute in vain.

[thegridrunner]

It is generational. My wife's grandmother had 13 children. She was a narcissist. I remember being present for a family meeting with all 13 of them talking about the harm their mother caused them.
My wife's mother is a narcissist. She raised my wife to believe emotions were weak and that women were weak.
My wife grew up serving her mother hand and foot. She also grew up to serve her oldest brother (her mother deferred to him as well).
The dynamic still exists between my wife and her mother. She spends just about every waking moment with her mom. I swear, if i hear:
"If I were you, I would ____" one more time. I'll be in prison but my wife might be free.
Grandmother-in-law
Mother-in-law
Brother-in-law
Wife
Youngest daughter
Someone has to break the cycle.
That was me...because each member mentioned above believes they have a proper perspective and the weak people around them keep screwing it up.
I spent 26 years with my wife believing I did screw her life up, that I did fail her, that I couldn't do anything right.
I cannot hate her for what she is, but I cannot save her. Believe me, I've been trying for years. I have nothing left. 😢

[artsiomnaidzich]

Thank you for your video. I am first time visitor to your channel, but already appreciate your content. Sam Vaknin states that at the core of cluster B personality disorders is Narcissistic personality style. This may be the reason why there is generalization towards calling everything NPD. I just went through a divorce with my ex-wife. It was such a mixed bag of feelings for me. On one end, I felt bad for her, and her inability to experience the world the way other people see it. I know that it is not her fault, that's all she knows. On the other hand, being lied to, cheated on, having my name smeared to my friends, having my reality not validated, getting all the blame assigned to me, being treated with contempt, being resented by her, her pretending to be a victim, and then being discarded after seven years of marriage has really shaken me to my core. I truly loved my x wife and really wanted to save our marriage. No one is perfect, I get that. When I tried to work on myself, and was asking my wife to work on herself, her version of working on herself was telling me what to do and what to change. Everything was too little too late, and not enough.

Those of you reading this comment, no matter what side you are on, what could be done for both cluster B and none cluster B people to bridge the reality gap while in relationship?

[themakuachronicles]

I release my narcissistic mother, with love and compassion, using the no contact discipline, and with the help and support I get from therapy, in hopes of creating a lifestyle that can improve my own feelings of low self-worth, and focus on my health, safety, and overall well-being.. rather than killing myself in order to please her in earning the right to exist in this world, after a lifetime of severe cyclical abuse, that almost led to my death. Thanks for posting.

[octoberdawn]

I started having boundaries with my ex. It actually triggered him to start escalating the psychological abuse more, and then he started taking it out of my daughter even more. We finally had to escape. I hadn't eaten in weeks and I was losing so much weight. I felt like I had a chronic stomach ulcer. My face would break out in bright red splotches on my cheek & left ear. Even when he was begging me to come back, he was still completely denying specific events, Like refusing to let me go to the hospital. But then when he finally let me go- he walked away ahead of me pouting while I thought I was going to pass out.. He screwed me out of so much of my inheritance money. I got some of it back. But only because I threatened to scream it from the hills. Ten years Of hell. I've been gone two and a half months and i'm just now finally feeling brave enough to rest. I've started having nervous ticks that even wake me up as i'm falling asleep. The slightest noise makes my heart race. It's so not fair what they can get away with.

[Wavicle]

I suffered covert narcissistic abuse from my soon-to-be-ex wife for nearly two decades. Your videos have been among the most helpful in my journey to find forgiveness for her within myself. I do not like many videos on this topics precisely because they tend to dehumanize the narcissist - the same way narcissists dehumanize others. It can be difficult to find compassion and empathy for someone who has treated you as an object whose purpose is to elevate, validate, and praise the facade of competence that they have constructed -- and then played victim and manipulated you with guilt when you failed to admire them during their periods of poor behavior. But it is necessary to find that so that we don't dehumanize them and become narcissistic ourselves.

[nishabhagat]

I just love ur videos and ur book. It has helped me immensely in understanding my ex narc partner compassionately. Currently he is not in my life and I sometimes feel sad for him for self denial. I told him about his NPD issue very empathetically but his defenses are too strong to admit. Only thing which can heal him is praying for him. Hopefully one day he will wake up from his sleep and lead a fulfilling life.
Thank u Marc for ur insightful videos

[heatherlynn]

I held onto a lifetime of narcissists with the idea that they had humanity inside there. I was bound, and determined to find it! They were just as bound and determined to prove me wrong! Which brings us back to the beginning of your explanation. It is a bizarre experience to live in a lifetime of fantasy worlds with a lifetime of Cluster B’s who never approved of my being born. Taking turns in the cycle. I felt invisible. I’m 55 and they still try to come back to finish me off. It would be a miracle to meet people out here who understand me. Alienation and Isolation after devaluation and discard like an engrained program until I finally understood that I held the keys to stop it! Which left me isolated and vulnerable to people who behave very much like predators.

[highdeserthoney]

Thank you for taking such an insightful approach to this disorder. I have been watching your videos and it is opening my eyes to so much. The long term effects of abuse and neglect in children are so damaging. So unfair. To all of us.

[Thenamelessnarcissist]

This is why when people ask me for advice for their loved ones who suffer from NPD, I only ever reply if they can actually name traits that aren't just "gaslighting" "Discard" "hoover" etc etc. These aren't behaviors that are specific to NPD at all. I can understand wanting to understand the pathology behind why they were hurt, but since we view narcissism though the lense of abuse it's the only reason of being hurt people can think of. And I think there's too much of a focus on it for the process of healing

Great vid on the topic. Best I've seen honestly. Which is unsurprising lmao

[KleeKaiPuppies]

Toxic is toxic. The result is the same. Call it whatever you want. It’s painful and you deserve better. Get away from anything toxic. Trying to label it is yet another rabbit hole. Much love to all you good souls❤

[MolecularMachine]

Your neutral and empathetic approach to discussing NPD has really helped me understand myself and my parents. My parents are so good at acting polite and reasonable while they dissolve my personality to make me serve their needs. That makes it hard to identify their behavior in the typical examples people tend to give of NPD. My parents are very, very smart people, and they use those big brains to make me and my sister disappear while maintaining their marble-and-gold image. Thank you for helping me see that even marble can be made into veneer.

[dopeblacktherapist]

I like Dr. Ramani, but I have to say your content deserves a lot more recognition. It takes some the stigma and pop cultureness out of a devastating disorder and instead infuses humanity, compassion, caution, and awareness. Well done and thank you! I subscribed! (LCPC from Maryland)

[SheilaDay-kq]

It appears they treat everyone the way their parents treated them. No one intervened to help them see themselves as human beings.

[deicheeves]

Cluster b milkshake sent me. Very glad she did. Here to rep for cluster bs