Signs of a Toxic Friend | Buddhist Philosophy

But whether or not a friend is toxic can be challenging to determine, especially when we’re attached to this friend. For a significant part, whether someone’s behavior is desirable or not is pretty subjective. Also, people are rarely entirely bad; most (if not all) human beings have positive sides as well. So, how do we decide if a friend is actually an enemy in disguise? What are the signs of a toxic friend?

The Buddha may have some valuable answers to this question. The Sigalovada Sutta, a Buddhist text, teaches us the Buddha’s views on friendship. He rationally explains why we shouldn’t be hanging out with certain people and what kinds of people we should associate with if we consider our well-being.

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#toxicfriend #buddhism #fakefriend

00:00 - Intro
01:33 - Enemies disguised as friends
03:01 - The taker
04:29 - The talker
05:48 - The flatterer
07:16 - The reckless companion

[Backwoodsandblades]

Bravo. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." Well said.

[crowkangi]

I’ve been toxic. Self absorbed and entitled. Doing my best to change, grow and heal. I was kind of lost for many years.

[phantomfacefinal]

I used to say the best way to find a good friend is to be one. Then I realized not everyone is looking for a friend, regardless of how friendly they appear, they’re searching for someone to come up off of.

[evonne]

I spent my entire life attaching to toxic people thinking I could help them, and not realizing I was at the same time trying to prove my own self worth. Then my own behaviour became toxic when they would not change, it confused and angered me. They would lead me on and tell me how great I am for them, until I was all used up and resented them. I finally am free of this dynamic but had to lose pretty much everyone and everything first, driven into chronic fatigue and spent the last year and half living as a hermit detoxing the behaviour and reparenting myself. I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, a life without attachments and where I am immune to the toxicity. Best to anyone out there working thier way through this. Its so hard, but once you know whats really going on there is no choice but to move through it.

[DemetriPanici]

*"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature." - Marcus Aurelius*

[r.p.]

lack of empathy is a sure sign that the person is not your friend, because that person cannot be a friend to anyone. My major lesson so far.

[EXOdagrt]

In my personal life I came to an analogy regarding relationships (both friendly and romantic).
There exist three pillars.
One pillar in common, and you have an acquaintance.
Two pillars in common and you can have a friend.
If you have all three, you have the recipe for a long lasting relationship.

The first pillar is morality, a person who mostly agrees with your stances on the matters of the soul and being a good person.
Note : If this is the only pillar you have in common with someone, then most likely or not you could say "Yeah he's a swell guy but we don't have anything else in common"

The second pillar is mutual interests. Someone to discuss and share your hobbies with and enjoy them doing the same.
Note : If this is the only pillar you have in common with someone, then mostly likely you cold say "Yeah she's the only person I know who read Heinlein, but other than that we don't have much in common"

The third and final pillar is support. Someone who can help foster your growth and you in turn can help them, be it personal, career wise, or something other.
Note : If this is the only pillar you have in common with someone, then most likely that person is a business partner. You got a sweet deal and can enjoy the fruits of your labor and it doesn't go beyond that.

All three are needed in some capacity in order to build a lasting relationship that can weather many storms.

[xxChacaronXX]

"Friends" to avoid

1 - Enemies disguised as friends
2 - The taker
3 - The talker
4 - The flatterer
5 - The reckless companion

[roivosemraiva]

Having multiple toxic friends can be quite exhaustingly tiresome. I Rid myself of them during the Quarantine. Now, afterwards I realized they were not friends. Living quite differently now. And do have an awareness of toxicity in friendships; Even in marriages . Thank you for presenting such a report.

[arshigeforce]

Don't forget that you have to also consider this from your friend's eyes. you are also a friend to them. Don't just expect them to be the good one, you also should change you're self if you want to be a good friend for others, and if they can't see the value of you being a good friend then you can remove them from your life.

[TheDhammaHub]

As the Buddha said: There isn't a single thing as beneficial as noble friendship. Sadly, it works the other way around too. A bad friendship can be very harmful indeed

[AXMJJ]

Just say “no” to your friend every once in a while when they ask for something; if the response is negative towards you, there’s your answer.

[Tazytots]

One of my friends I knew throughout middle school and highschool had confided in me a few years after HS that they thought I was a toxic person and they needed to get away. To this day, I still do not understand why they said that, or what I was doing to prompt that reaction from them. Friends support eachother, criticize eachother when necessary, and keep eachother on the straight & narrow.

6 years later and I've come to the conclusion that they only said that because they wanted to surround themself with people who only ever agreed with their opinions.

Most people do not actually know what toxicity is. They just use it as a buzzword to justify their own echo chambers, goals, breaking up a friendships, attacking someone else's, or doing harm to one's self-esteem. Differing opinions, no matter how mundane, can get you labeled.

[darknes]

Until discovering your channel, I had been embodying all four of those toxic traits, believing them to be the only way people would ever want to be around me. I desired having friends, but didn’t know how to actually be their friend.

[suzyrokits]

…’We shouldn’t set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm’ — great takeaway!

[jamesstaggs]

We can also reinforce behavior if we stick with a toxic person. The less consequences someone suffers due to ill behavior the more likely they are to repeat that behavior.

[Engelhafen]

A toxic friend is very different than a friend that doesn’t meet our needs.

[Iranex]

I think its important to also remember that people are multifaceted and can be different types of friends to different people. Some people just act differently around others. A good friend to one person may be a toxic friend to someone else. This applies to yourself as well. I try to keep this in mind, because there are times I have not been a good friend and the least I can do for those people is to reflect and improve.

[allenwalker]

It took me a few years to realize that a "friend" at work was actually feeding my fires of envy and greed in the work place. His words sounded sympathetic like, "You deserve better." or "You're not being treated fairly." This might of been true but a wise friend might have pointed out that I was incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to have a job I loved, or that I was young and being very well compensated for my age. His poisonous words fell on the fertile ground of my envy.

[katherineg]

"We shouldn't set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm." Brilliant. How often we are told not to be selfish, to do for other people. You don't have to sacrifice yourself to help someone else do wrong, and that hurts them also.