What Is Stonewalling? (It Can Break A Marriage)

Researcher John Gottman found that people do these things when they fight, which he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and they are very research-based. And what he found was, if any of these four things show up, if any of these four behaviors show up when a couple disagrees with each other, then their chances of divorce are astronomical. And, if a couple would stop doing these four things when they disagree, then their chance of divorce decreases by 85%.

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There is criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The one that we are going to be focusing on today is stonewalling in a relationship. I talked with a friend recently who told me about a disagreement that he and his wife were getting into about finances. The debate was that one wanted to put their finances towards one thing, and the other wanted to put finances towards another, a very common situation that marriages experience.

If someone has been stonewalling in a relationship and has been their M. over the past several months or years, that will be a rational fear that the other spouse has. So the end of the bargain that the stonewaller has to agree to is coming back and finishing that conversation. These are just some quick tips on how you can deal with stonewalling in a relationship. If you're the stonewalling person, remember there is a difference between stonewalling and needing to process.

You have to be able to talk about things and work them out. If you're the person being stonewalled, then realize that your spouse may be stonewalling you because they feel pushed. So what you can do is make it a safe place for conversation to happen and compromise to occur. You'll find that if you are married to a person who needs more time to process, and you give them that time to process, you'll come together to a much better conclusion and compromise than you would if you constantly tried to push the situation and push for an answer today.

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[MarriageHelper]

Is your spouse stonewalling you? Have you been stonewalling your spouse?
We would love to hear your stories if you can relate. ❤️

[tiffytoo]

Can we talk about how stone walking causes an emotional reaction or panic from a partner and the the stoner then blames the emotional reactor for more stuff and validates his emotional abuse and neglect of the relationship and his partner. (can be her as well of course)

[darianchinn]

My husband likes to shut down. Then I shut down. We don't talk and I build resentment towards him.

[keithrichard]

My ex wife in a nutshell.i was blamed for the break up of our 28 year marriage, but she did this for years.

[basiaramona]

My partner does it all the time. When a disagreement occurs, he goes out, he says this is his way to soothe himself but it really doesn't help to resolve issue😞
Thank you for the course.

[cookiebun]

What if they never follow through? They pretend like that conversation didn't happen

[mickboyce]

Looks like I was stonewalling. And I thought I was avoiding yelling and screaming matches.

[FriendshipCentreCounselling]

The damage done to the person on the receiving end of stonewalling is beyond measure. The pain becomes torture and it is psychological abuse.

[smyliejo]

When I stone wall it’s coming from a place of fear, I feel I physically can not speak and justify or explain my actions without judgement or criticism. If it gets thrown back in my face and I’m made to be the problem I don’t see a need to speak at all and at that point I literally can not speak. 4:08

[LadieBjj]

I do this because I am tired. The gaslighting makes me not want to talk no more. It’s exhausting!!!

[TomorrowisYesterday]

4:00 - No. That’s rarely the case. People don’t shut down and “stonewall” when conflict arises because they want to piss off the other person, they usually do it because they are conflict avoidant. They are afraid of being upset. They are making the other person upset. They are afraid of what might happen. Often this goes back to big T or little t trauma from childhood.

It’s pretty jaded and overly simplistic to say that everyone who stonewalls does that to piss the other person off. That’s just not the only reason, and I don’t even think it’s a common reason. It’s usually just a defense mechanism against anxiety. It’s as simple as that.

[LALKRSKB]

My wife would always point out my flaws would say I don’t own my mistakes and I don’t know how to communicate. I always felt there was something not right how it was always me. Then I learned about narcissistic behaviors, stonewalling, etc and how she did all that. Whenever I try and tell her about these things and what she’s doing and how it’s not ok it leads to her telling me she’s done and wants a divorce. It hurts but all I can do is laugh because I know now it wasn’t always me.

[wannda]

My spouse would do that all the time. Walks out on me when we are having a discussion and after that we wont resolve anything.

[jo-denelinton]

I stone wall my spouse, because he moves from 0-100 in seconds, the arguments then just goes on for hours with just him taking control of the heat arguments and constantly goes on and on and on, the worst part about it is the conflicts are often unresolved.

[inexperienced_mama]

I disagree that stonewalling is always a chosen way to hurt someone else. I don't think my husband intends to stonewall. I approach him gently, I sandwich good and bad into the conversation, and I give him time. Yet, he rarely communicates in a conflict. Is there a different issue here ?
He always appears extremely hurt by any conflict, yet does not contribute.

[padukonet]

You nailed it. It's nothing but powerplay.

[elizabeth]

These is the reality in our marriage : (
There’s is almost no conflict we can talk openly about cause my spouse feels attacked, I’ve tried all ways possible, I need to talk about the situations that cause conflicts or discomfort, and search together for a way to make things better but now I don’t even wanna try cause it only brings me deep sadness, anger and frustración. Don’t even want to talk about them anymore.. I also need peace ..
what to do?
Thanks so much for all you do trough your programes 🙂

[paddykriton]

Shutting down because you have previous trauma should not be demonised with words like stonewalling and the description in this video. Some people don't do this as a manipulative response but rather are overwhelmed completely and their brain can't process while being artacked

[rtklarsfeld]

Kimberly, been watching you for years. Value your advice! Your hair style looks great!

[aliciacoble]

My problem is my husband just does NOT deal, it's always excuses to avoid whatever it is...this has been going on for months WITH it increasing and nothing is getting solved ...to the point where he no longer says I love you, have sex, kiss, hug ....please help!!!!