The Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant Relationship Dynamic

I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)

Thank you for watching!

[anjakeller]

"I feel like I am at the same time not enough and too much." -every fearful avoidant ever

[jjohnston]

When FA feels rejected enough, they will shut down intensely and push the DA away hard...
This is so true, and is such an important piece that is often missing in discussions about the FA / DA dynamic.
It is usually presented that the DA makes the FA more anxious, which is true... but they can shut down even harder.

[dannydean]

I was just getting to ask my wife of 9 years for divorce. I finally see the big picture of who I am and who she is and who she is. I had seriously given up and this video most likely saved us. Thank you

[NickRyanBayon]

Dating a dismissive avoidant is terrible it ruins your sense of value, leaves you confused, hurt, and unneeded, and unimportant. You're made to communicate and try and get nothkng back, it feels one sided and pointless.

[DaveE]

Anger is the emotion experienced most when someone is hurt- then the other person feels threatened and shuts down and then people don’t connect.

[nicolaslockheimers]

That last part was gold! The DA needs assurance they're doing a good job vs. FA/APs who need emotional assurance that they are loved. Wow!

[jessicamessica]

This was my exact relationship. Im the fearful avoident. I dumped my dissmissive because I felt unloved. I miss them everyday its hard

[daever]

I always freak out when he dismisses things. I never bring them up again, because I know he doesn't even know he's doing anything wrong. He is very good at correcting when I bring things up to him, but I am so scared to because he will think I am too needy and he will not want to deal with my volatility. Not bringing things up drives me crazy inside! This is the hardest relationship ever, but when I am with him, I finally feel CALM inside. It makes no sense, but this video has helped me recognize how to hold up my end of the bargain. Thank you.

[strawberrysocial]

My blown. I’ve never had anyone explain it this well. Wow!!!

[reyr.]

Dealing with a Dismissive avoidant is exhausting. Healthy relationships require communication and connection, if I don't have that then I start to get frustrated. I'm Fearful Avoidant but at least I try to improve myself. DA's rarely change and refuse to acknowledge their own issues. They're the type to ghost you all on a sudden or breadcrumb their partner. Never dealing with a DA

[jermainerivers]

Wow. You just described me and my ex to a tee! It's almost comical how textbook we both are. Unfortunately, I didn't start learning this stuff til it was too late, and now we are broken up. Nevertheless, I'm still thankful for your videos and the information.

[tomobedlam]

Great video! However, after five years trying to get my dismissive avoidant to seek professional counseling it was met with total refusal. This would have been free counseling through my company as we get 15 free sessions a year. When the dismissive avoidant does not seek help, and totally shuts down, and does not even want to talk about their issues, it's time to leave. Especially, if they show absolutely no desire to fix themselves. They leave you in a state of turmoil, and do not reciprocate at all. I'm not spending any more time being understanding and trying to get them to open up. Life is too short to play this scenario after so many years. Never again!

[emilyanne]

This is profound. I am an FA and this describes so much of my past relationship except that I think I tend to deactivate and pull away when I feel dismissed rather than getting angry. It was very hard for me to even identify in the moment when I felt dismissed, and I think the resentment built up for too many years before we started trying to fix our dynamic. We were able to make slow progress for a few more years, but it was still very difficult and frankly the pain far outweighed the love. I think ultimately our emotional needs were incompatable. I think I had hoped that if I supported them enough emotionally that 1, they would feel safe enough with their own emotions to be able to handle mine and 2, I could show them how I wanted them to show up for me emotionally. Even in the end they could listen to me talk about emotions for just a few minutes but honestly it just wasn't enough for me, even though they had made progress. I think the part that you mentioned about how the DA wants approval based on external things whereas the FA wants emotional validation was spot on. I discovered from this relationship that the most important trait to me in a partner is emotional presence and an openness to emotions.

[greciarojas]

I think this is amazing! This also describes my former partner and I. He’s dismissive avoidant and because of this video I just learned I’m fearful avoidant. But I think you’re a bit more compassionate to dismissive avoidant people. He disappears a lot and goes into his cave for a long time and kept me at a distance and kept me out of the loop of things. And it was very painful. And when my needs were not met, he didn’t understand why I was upset or hurt. Can you add more to the dismissive partner in this dynamic, you go into a lot more detail of the fearful avoidant attachment style in this dynamic.

[DrHarshita_MD]

We FAs are doomed in relationships..😬☹️ being avoidant with AA and anxious with DAs 😭

[PerrySkyePhoenix]

So... what the DA needs is approval and emotional stability. What I need is reassurance that I'm loved and valued. This video describes the dynamic between these attachment styles so well. How do I tell him how I feel (without getting emotional) and at the same time reassure him that he's doing a good job? How do I talk about feelings without pushing him further away? I struggle with making a decision to keep trying, or give up. I do love him. There's also a significant age gap between us. I feel as if my needs will never be met in this situationship, but at the same time... I wonder what would happen if I was with a more open and demonstrative partner... would I then withdraw or run away? I have an avoidant side too, just not with him most of the time. Just like you described, when I feel rejected by him (which happens pretty often) I want to block his# or delete him from my contacts... or at the very least ignore his texts, like he does mine sometimes. It seems childish, but this is how I react when my childhood wounds are being activated. I feel abandoned and helpless... and I don't want to feel that way. I want to run away from those feelings and get away from the person who's triggered me.

[vintagehourglass]

i literally laughed out loud multiple times watching this because my partner and i are exactly as this video describes. every example is exactly relevant. so funny. very helpful!

[colorfullyme]

"externalizing like crazy as the fearful avoidant does" loool wig got snatched right off

[jain]

Okay, so I am officially a fearful avoidant. This video really clarified things because I was so confused whether I’m dismissive or fearful. I guess fearful avoidant has spectrum between anxious and dismissive and somewhere in between.
Definitely a fearful avoidant.

[AlexNarra]

Omg I found the myself so much in the fearful avoidant description, especially about the doubts of the relationship, it's like a constant background thought but I don't express it because I do notice the there's no objective reason to have it, it's probably the feeling trapped fear.