5 Boundaries you need in order to heal the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style | HealingFa.com

You might be wondering why you need boundaries to heal the fearful avoidant attachment style. But setting boundaries is such an important part of healing the fearful avoidant attachment style. In this video, I will talk about 5 boundaries you need in order to heal the Fearful Avoidant Attachment style.

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--- Contents --
00:00 Intro
00:25 Boundaries around people's expectations 
01:20 Nobody has a right to your time and energy
05:05 Honor and listen to your needs
07:04 Boundaries around intimacy 
08:09 Boundaries around consuming 
10:15 Outro

Video Title: 5 Boundaries you need in order to heal the Fearful Avoidant Attachment style

This video is about: 5 Boundaries you need in order to heal the Fearful Avoidant Attachment style, but It also covers the following topics:

Boundaries
Intimacy
Consuming

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✅ About Paulien Timmer - Healing the fearful-avoidant.

The way you feel right now is not the way you are. If you want more freedom, calm, love, and peace in your head, body, and life, it is possible. You are not too broken.
‌After spending 14 years healing the fearful avoidant attachment style, I am beyond passionate and dedicated to getting you to where I am now: living a life true to myself, waking up feeling rested and peaceful. Deeply in love with my husband and looking forward to the future. This is what life is supposed to be like, and it is my honor to help you get there.
‌
In the past 7 years, I have guided over 2000 people through my Dutch programs (I am from the Netherlands), to a secure attachment and happy relationship. Over the past year and a half, another 150 beautiful people have been through the English program Healed&Happy. I love seeing how lives can change within three months, and how NORMAL it can feel to have a secure attachment. I wish you so much joy, pleasure, and love.

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[Laura-kbsr]

The third boundary is a bit tricky because there's the integration with the other person's needs. Like if that friend drove an hour to see you and a half-hour in, you're done...fine, a secure and understanding friend will understand...that time. Yet that person set aside the evening and drove far to see you and now goes home to figure out a different plan for the evening. That might be fine occasionally, or frequently during an unusually rough time period for you--but it's not considerate of that person's value (and time and energy) in the long term. If that person has the boundary that they want more-or-less balanced friendships and want to be treated respectfully, there's a potential clash of boundaries. And if that friend leans anxious and doesn't set boundaries easily, it could easily veer into co-dependency. I'm not saying that's the recommendation, I think there's just caution. But the friend's healthy response could be: "This seems to be a pattern that I don't feel good with. How can we preempt the situation and better predict get-togethers that will more reliably work for us both?" Or if it keeps happening and it's not a super-close friendship (which can tolerate bigger short-term asymmetries), that friend might decide that the balance of emotional/time/energy investment is off (no one's fault, just how it is) and might start investing more heavily in other friendships.

[azuresea]

All or Nothing thinking must go! Being in a relationship doesn't have to feel like falling into a deep dark hole in the earth. With boundaries it can feel like wading into the sea with ease, safety and joy. Thank you, Pauliene.

[anzelaiv]

This was very helpful. Thank you. When I started to do the boundary work, I couldn't name a single general boundary that I should have by default, It was all-or-nothing thinking. I had harsh boundaries to push someone away, or almost no boundaries at all if I wanted someone in my life. The belief that my needs can be more important than someone's expectations was non-existen, t and it made me isolate from people. Even the smallest progress in that department made a huge difference.

[SONNYLCR]

Hey there and thank you so much!
Currently I’m in a long distance relationship with my gf who turned out to be FA.. In the beginning I was so confused and frustrated with her behaviour because I didn’t know about attachment styles at all. I am mostly secure attached with slight AP tendencies. My AP got triggered when she deactivated for the first few times because I didn’t understand what was happening and I felt I was going to lose her, which obviously made things just worse. Now after finding out about attachment styles i really learn so much on FA behaviour to be more considerate and supportive and it helps me to also keep my AP tendencies in check. I feel much more regulated even when she pulls away out of the blue, just letting her know that she should take her time and recharge and self regulate and that I’m here when she feels ready again. And you are by far the most lovely person to watch on this topic because you are not sugarcoating things but still present them in a manner that we, the partners of FAs, really want to be the best support we can be within our own boundaries. Thank you so much!

[Muse]

These have all been soooo important for my healing journey! I’m still working on them, but they have been critically helpful. Being around safe people who accept boundaries has been key as well, to see the stark contrast of those from my past. Thank you, Paulien! You were the first who helped me realize I wasn’t responsible for other people’s reactions. Seems obvious now that I’m more healed but it blew my mind at the time 😂

[Locuts]

It’s been an amazing journey for me after leaving my parents place some 10 years ago. I’ve lived on my own since and slowly worked on myself over the past years. So much of that work has been learning about my needs, boundaries and learning how to give to myself, how to parent myself, how to actually love myself. Because it’s become clear I didn’t understand how any of that worked before. It’s so weird to step back into connection with my parents now and notice how there were no boundaries in my household around anything and I never saw any of it.

[Lindsija]

Very helpful and will start to implement this in my own life ☺️

[hanacurekovic]

Whenever I feel like I need a few days away from my partner, it makes me think maybe I'm not interested in them anymore.. because wouldn't I want to see him often if I really liked him? I've realised that being with him (or with anyone) requires a level of masking from me, I can't 100% be myself, so it gets soooo tiring, and I need a few days to recharge. I wish I knew how to be myself around people :( I think there is a overlap between Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and neurodivergence (ADHD/Autism) and CPTSD.

[iridescent.peachgirl]

paulien💓 your videos are so validating, comforting, and reassuring. thank you, beautiful, and keep creating. we need it.💓

[daker]

It's not surprising, but helpful.

[jigyasaanand]

I knew about boundaries and it can be healing but having difficulties putting up

[daliacezar]

Pauline,
I am very happy to find your videos, absolutely helps me a lot, every video it fits with what I am going through, like you were myself.
I have a question please.
After decades of not knowing what is happening, now l tried to regulate my emotions for years l practice meditation!and I feel fine until I am around someone who express strong emotions and and instantly my body is going into crushing mode, I can’t function anymore just sleep for hours to return to balance. I don’t know what is happening, l am doing somatic exercises, meditation and still my body can’t handle any slightly stressing situation?
Thank you

[manixburn]

40 years old, mostly no idea, and no good at all.
My life is a mess, having nobody healthy around.
World is falling all around, everything is in order, it seems.

[aciddiver]

Seems i am the only one that cant get better.

[AnHourOfWolves]

When you say intimacy in the fourth boundary, do you mean physical or emotional intimacy, or both?

[surfreadjumpsleep]

Nobody has a right to your time or energy... isnt part of healing from FA having to do with how to best integrate with a partner? Of course nobody has a "right" to your time & energy, but is that the point? Isn't the point that there is a balance between two people's time & energy?